Rita

This is my first post. My husband of 40 years died in an accident at the end of November. We didn’t have any children and all my family live abroad. For the first 4 weeks I was incredibly busy arranging the funeral, answering the phone and emails. Now it has gone much quieter. I can’t stop crying. My elderly mother must never know how I feel. She worries about me and rings every day. So for her I pretend I’m fine. But I’m not. I walk with one friend at a time once a day, but once in the house I feel I’m in a deep hole.

Hello Rita
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband
Everything you say is just as it is for me
My husband died in April 2020
Like yourself for the first weeks I was busy sorting the funeral and all the paperwork etc Then afterwards I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness andloneliness
I have a son and grandson bubble who I don’t see very often as they live a distance away My mother is very elderly and we speak on the phone but I wouldn’t want to upset her My friend and I text each other but all the restrictions make the situation so much worse
I talk to my husband all the time I have his photographs on display I write down my feelings and memories in a journal from time to time I find this helps me and I read the posts on this site
Although nothing can change the situation knowing that others can relate to how I’m feeling is
comforting to me
Thinking of you
Take care
Christine x

Dear Christine,
I am very sorry about your loss. Thank you for replying to my post. I know that I’m far from being alone to go through the loss of a loved one. What saddens me is that some people I feel close to, including some family members, hardly ever contact me now, whereas at the beginning they were always ringing. Maybe they think I’m ok and getting on with life as I’m good at pretending I’m ok. Maybe they feel awkward and don’t know what to say/write. Maybe I should tell them how I miss their contact. But then I worry that I’ll just break down taking to them. I think people don’t want to be confronted with sadness. I’m lucky that I have some lovely friends who I see on a regular basis. I’ve also now become a volunteer Marshall at the local Covid-vaccination Centre. That’s taking my mind off things for a few hours. Are you still working? Or doing any voluntary work? I’m thinking of you! Rita

Dear Rita
Thanks for your reply
Again everything you say I can relate to
It’s the same situation with family for me I rarely get contacted by some My husbands family especially don’t contact me very much at all There were Just a couple of calls after his funeral and the odd text is sent now and again Like yourself I just say I’m ok to anyone who asks I did break down in tears over Xmas at my sons house and I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t want to confront others all the time with my sadness It’s difficult isn’t it ?
I suppose this site lets us get things off our chest
I find it reassuring to know that others share my feelings and that I’m not going mad which i sometimes think I am At the end of the day though our loss is still there and I think we all have to find our own way of trying to live with this
I m retired I took early retirement in 2013 after my husband was made redundant the year before He was 62 then (he was 6 years older ) and we had plans for the future especially as my grandson had just been born in2011 These did not happen however as he became very unwell with cancer and then copd and after battling through it all for several years caught covid and died very suddenly
I would love to do some voluntary work However I think I would be too anxious to be doing what you are doing now but you’re right doing something helps to takeyour mind off it all and what you’re doing is essential Thank goodness there are volunteers like yourself I’m sure your husband would be proud of you
Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re getting on Rita
Take care
Christine x

Hi everyone. I too hardly hear from my husband’s family. We had a falling out a couple of years before he died because they sold my mum in laws house without even telling my husband. When my husband was stricken with cancer his sister got in touch and they healed the rift. My husband was so bitter over what had gone on but he forgave them and his sister visited him often. She was the one with him when I passed as I had nipped home for a quick rest. I was so angry with him that after blinking us for two years, she was the one who was with him in his final moments. Since then I have never heard from his sister or brother at all. It is so sad that people just remove themselves from your life when someone passes. Thankfully I had wonderful friends and so have lived on through them but I still feel a level of resentment that my husband passed away without me there to say goodbye, and the people who caused him so much unhappiness were at his bedside.

Sorry for typos in my post.

Hi angie jo

Sorry to hear about you loss I can understand your feelings about your sister in law being with your husband at the end after all that had happened before Then afterwards no contact at all with yourself it’s so disappointing isn’t it ?I don’t know why some relatives are like this but thankfully you have your true friends and that’s the most important thing I would just focus on them and their support for you I’ve realised that life doesn’t always work out how you plan and neither does how you imagine it will be when a loved one dies You just think you’ll be there at the very end but sadly it’s not always so My husband had to die shut away in a room on his own because of covid It’s not what we would have chosen but I’m sure our husbands knew they were loved
Take care Thinking of you
Christine x

Thank you Christine. I am so sorry for what happened in your situation… No, you never know what is going to happen and your life can end in an instant.xx

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