Been some time since I posted but feel the need just to share my feelings here as I cannot with my family. David suffered a massive bleed on the brain and sadly passed away ten days later nineteen months ago. We had been married for 53 years, together three years before that and were childhood sweethearts who grew up together. I have found life very difficult, never having lived on my own before suddenly I was faced with having everything to do. For a long time all I could do was make sure our much loved dog was fed, walked and looked after. I didn’t bother much about myself. I have got better at dealing with things and carry David with me at all times. However yesterday was my birthday, the second since my life after. I had a good day considering the lockdown restrictions, my family and friends very loving and supportive. Today I have been totally in pieces. I have cried all day, felt so down, had such a tight chest as bad as I was all those months ago. Have felt today I just cannot go on and can’t see any point really in being here. Just wanted to put my feelings in writing tonight. Thank you.
Sending you a huge hug. I lost my husband 21 months ago and we were also childhood sweethearts. No two days are the same and it really does feel like a rollercoaster. You are so right about people not understanding that have not lost a spouse. I think people sometime think I’m fine - it’s nearly two years I must be better! If only they understood how hard it really is. Look after yourself x
@hainey and @Heather
You have both done amazingly coping so far. Sending you both good wishes and my hope that you find continued strength. XX
Thank you x
Thank you Heather for listening. Hopefully today will be better. Take care, and I send you a big hug.
Wong, thank you.
Here’s hoping. Take care and sending you a huge hug for today too xx
Heather, thank you. After a very restless night I took our dog over the fields this morning and saw the deer. I haven’t seen them for a while so in my mind it was a sign David was close. Rightly or wrongly!!! I have felt so much calmer today. It is strange how I can cope with the “big” dates and still go to pieces after it is over.
Thank you for your support and care.
Hainey I’ve just read your post…I’m so sorry you’ve lost your soulmate…like you I have a dog…our dog hes all I live for…dogs make you get up and have to go for a walk…in the last 13 months since I lost my darling husband I’ve missed 3days of not walking mainly due to weather…I think you are doing well… you probably dont…stay safe sending you a hug…something we all need xx
I was the same last night!! It’s lovely that you had a sign today. I do believe in that - I had a Robin flying at the window the other day but hovering like a humming bird I couldn’t believe it and am sure it was a sign as Pete used to live to feed the Robins. Little things do give comfort. I cannot wait for the better weather so we can spend more time outside. Take care and hope you have a better night tonight xx
Hi there. I really don’t know where I would have been if it hadn’t been for Zara. So, so many mornings I could just have stayed in bed but a Labrador looking for its breakfast needs to dealt with. Zara is getting older now too so can’t ramble and hill walk like we used to but hey, we walk along the river or round the fields and it is fine. Really needed that prod to get on with it sometimes. Sending you a big hug, stay safe.
Heather, hope you have managed to sleep a little, I slept the exhausted sleep last night, don’t know if I feel better or not!!! I do believe sometimes we need to look for, and accept, little signs, they make life easier somehow,. The little robin fluttering at your window was I am sure, your soulmate saying “hey I am still around”. Take care, and feel the warmth of the hug I am sending you.
Hi …yes my dog is everything…he was as my husband and I got him 4years ago…I no I would be in an even darker place without him…so a year on my heart is broken but I cant break my dogs hes already lost his daddy 
. Sending love to you and everyone one on here…stay safe and keep walking xx
Hello, I didn’t sleep well again but gave so much going over in my mind. I lost my dad 7 months ago and my job 4 months ago so it’s not surprising it’s hard to switch things off. I’m glad you got a bit of sleep and I know it’s hard not to feel exhausted all of the time. I miss seeing friends during this lockdown as they did help to pass a few hours. I hope you are looking after yourself and take care Heather xx
Sorry that we are united by these horrible feelings and emotions… For me it is 3.5 months since my husband died suddenly. I don’t quite feel real a lot of the time but things are changing. I realise now I spent almost all my time for the last months (when not reading/writing here) staring into space. I spend hours crying from the pit of my gut “how can it be how can it be”. I feel astonished still fairly often but it is less than the initial shock which went on for around 2 months. I think I mostly know it when I wake up now too.
In the last two weeks my own personality has peeked through now and again and I am remembering our life was also my life. At first I just wanted my house to burn down (preferably with me in it) as I couldn’t imagine living here without him. Now I cherish the house so much I find it hard to leave it (i left once a week the last two weeks when family come to get me, i work from home). I am kinda glad of covid sheltering me from having to leave right now.
I used to love to plan things, lists every day and for all the many house/garden projects ongoing… i’d even made a list the day he died (one item was to get him to make a dr appt about the funny pain he’d had on our long healthy walk the day before). Now I live hour to hour just glad if I’ve not pooed my pants (something that never would have happened to me previously but I just couldn’t be bothered getting up and thought it wouldn’t happen, like so many other misjudgements…).
I surprised myself making it this far already. Cannot imagine how you have done this too and for longer but as my infernal growing toenails keep telling me time keeps going no matter if we feel it ended…
Hope you all have some hours of peace and please keep posting if you feel like it. Take care fellow heartbroken people xx
My dog has been my saviour these past 10 months, since I lost my sister. He’s, listened as I’ve poured my heart out and made sure I’d to get outside instead of just sitting at home. He kept me going when I felt like giving up.
I am not a great expression person, but reading this, I would like to extend my virtual hug, a wish for the future, and would wish with all my heart that your tomorrow gets more of what you want it to be. Again HUGS
Heather, you have had two huge life changing events in a short space of time and the fact that we cannot have actual face to face interactions with friends is not helping us. Rest when you feel you need to and do a little when you feel stronger. Take care of yourself and I hope you find a job soon.
FleurDeLis so sorry that you have had to be in this position. Losing a partner is like falling into a big black hole and it takes a lot of ups and downs to try and claw your way into a chink of daylight. I wish you strength to keep climbing and you find some peace in your memories.
Hi Paula51. So sorry to hear you have lost your sister. Please accept a virtual hug from me. Yes I agree having a dog can give you a much needed presence to talk to and cry with. They give comfort and love and ask little in return. Take care.