I try, really, I do. I think I am, by nature, an optimist, or at least I want to be. Everyone is different, but I feel less desperate when I have company because then I can’t slide into a deep black hole so easily. I have been very fortunate this weekend to have a few visitors who not only kept me and my daughter company, but also very kindly did a few jobs for me. My nephew fitted a grab rail for me which makes caring for my daughter so much safer and easier. My son trimmed all the overgrown hedges and kept his sister entertained while I did some other jobs. I invited a friend and recent widow for lunch. I expected my daughter to be happy with all the visitors, but she was a right little misery. Attention seeking and demanding throughout. She goes through these spells all the time, but usually just with me.
It’s okay, I am used to it and so are my friends and family, it is not an issue, just disappointing. When everyone had gone home and it was just the two of us, she continued to demand attention and wanted her tea. I defrosted some tea cakes, we had a large lunch earlier. I loaded them into the toaster and everything suddenly went off. Toaster, television, freezer, everything. Being an absolute numpty I just didn’t know what to do. The stairlift was beeping, lights were flashing. Panic set in and I had visions of us both having to sleep downstairs because the stairlift wouldn’t work. Everything in the freezer would thaw………. It was actually me that was in meltdown.
I phoned my other nephew, the electrician! He told me to go to the fuse board and see which switch was in a different position to all the others, then to slowly switch it. I did that and everything came back on!
I was so relieved.
It took me an hour to work out how to set the clock on the oven, but hey-no. I did it eventually and was able to feed my daughter after all. The toaster is destined for the bin, I don’t trust it anymore.
Sky television and the internet took a while to return and I had to turn off a few things and turn them back on again. My husband would have just sorted it, but it was a bit of a nightmare for me.
After the drama was over and my daughter was tucked up in bed I sat down and wrote in my journal which is actually just a daily letter to my husband. When I had finished it occurred to me that I really should start being more grateful for what I actually still have rather than constantly focusing on what I have lost.
I don’t suppose my optimism will last long, but it’s lovely to find out that it is still surviving underneath all the misery and gloom, just waiting for the chance to surface.
However, this new -found cheeriness didn’t prevent me from a few choice words in my message to my husband about the toaster he chose!
Xx
Hey willow - good for you for finding a solution - all these things are difficult to deal with for the first time. And it can be scary when your plunged into darkness.
Keep writing it down and keep finding that optimism that you have.
I managed to do some work in the garden today but it was such a hot day I found a couple of ants nest where they had started flying and swarming.
No worries I thought - I remember this happening before so found some ant powder and used it, as one was next to my outside wall.
Well tonight I sat down to watch tv and one flew onto me - I had checked earlier and there were none coming in, but by evening there were hundreds.
Me and my daughter got as many as we could and I’ll get more powder tomorrow to try kill the nest.
I think I probably forced them inside by trying to treat them outside.
Really wished my husband was here to help out - we would have done it together but just hurts that I have to do it myself now.
There isn’t really any other way is there - we just need to get on with it - but I hate the little buggers.
Sometimes feels like someone has it in for me up there - but I’m sure I’m just over sensitive to things I wouldn’t have got upset about before.
I knoq exactly how you feel…what were wasy jobs when they were here have now suddenly become a big mountain to climb. Its so tough aome days. I had to resd my gas and elecrix meter today. Needed a torch. Couldnt find one . Panicking like mad . Never panicked like that when he was here 
sorted eventually using my phone xx
Hi Roni, I hate those flying ants and I get lots of them. The powder is ok, but if you get the gel they apparently take it back to their nests and it eradicates the whole lot of them. It usually comes with a pair of flat plastic traps. You squeeze a bit of gel in them and that stops anything else from getting it.
Good luck. Xx
Just a plug for the ants, I can say that as they don’t cause me a problem, over the years I have watched them swarm over the fields next door and then the birds move in and it is just one big feeding spectacle and then they are gone!
If anyone is interested, the flying ants are made up of virgin queens and males from different nests, they mate in flight and establish new nests, ants are considered as ecosystem engineers, isn’t nature wonderful!
I don’t like killing anything. If they are outside in my garden I live and let live. I don’t use insecticides in my garden or chemicals of any kind. Nature has its own solutions. However, if they invade my house and are likely to bite or cause problems I deal with them. If possible I catch and release them, but that is not always possible.
We had a bat flying around the bedroom which we caught eventually and released. We tried opening all the windows in the hope that it would find its way out. Eventually it settled on the curtain. Picked it up with a sock over the hand and let it go. It had the ugliest little face I have ever seen!
Omg you are braver than me i hate anything that flys or Crawls .Gra dealt with all that kinda thing. Dies it help Willow to keep a journal? Something i haven’t thought of doing. I talk to his picture. Xxx
Thanks willow.
Heading off out to take dog to the vet and then will swing by the DIY store.
Normally as long as they aren’t coming in the house I would just leave them be - nature is a wondrous thing and I know each has their own part to play - but when they were dropping on my head last night and my daughter was getting upset I decided that they need to stay outside in their territory.
I have a big garden so there is plenty room for them out there 
Hi @Willow112,
I hope journaling is helping you and can totally understand the rude words.
Because we are grieving all our emotions are on edge and situations that we would have previously dealt with now cause anxiety & panic. It’s perfectly normal 
I have found writing down at least one positive thing from the previous day first thing in the morning has helped me.
On bad days this was got up, had a shower and cleaned teeth and went back to bed but there was a positive in that I had done self care!
Take care and hope today is a better day.
Sorry @roni52 replied to the wrong person, should have meant @jevncute
I found keeping a journal was really quite helpful, particularly in the earlier weeks, when everything is swimming around your head at the same time it helps to write it down and put some sort of order to it, I tend not to do it so much now (nearly 5 months) but sometimes on a particularly bad day I will try and sort my thoughts by writing it down, it can be quite distressing to go back and read it but it does show that you have moved forward and you are coping better.
It’s more like a book of letters to him. I tell him about my day, how I am feeling. It keeps him a part of my life. Sometimes I tell him off for leaving me. I apologise for not doing things right, for scratching the car. Even though I know that he would not be annoyed, he would put his arms round me and tell me that I am doing a good job, I still feel inadequate most of the time. Most of my scribbling is telling him how much I love and miss him.
To answer your question, Jo, yes it helps me. I write it every evening. I should have got a bigger book!
Xx
I am going to gove it a try I need some thing. I am struggling every day the tears fall fast. I have never experienced a lonilness a dread a pain so intense. Its so much harder than when I lost my first husband but then I had my mum dad and my son was home. Now i am all alone. Xxx
Yes, I have reached the same conclusion. First time around I was 20 years younger, I was used to my husband being at work all day. I had family around and my daughter could walk.
When I met my second husband he took early retirement to help care for my daughter. We spent every day together. I am not used to being alone. My parents and sister died, my other sister has dementia. I can’t lift the wheelchair. I live at the end of a country lane. If I have to go out it means driving and I don’t like driving. I used to drive all over the country but I seem to have lost confidence. I took a few refresher driving lessons which has helped a little.
Try the journal. It helps get it out of my system a little bit. If it doesn’t help, there’s nothing lost. Xx
Ty willow i will likewise all we needed was each other . Family would pop frombtime to time but not regularly but it didnt matter we had esch other
It must be hard living so far out with your daughter bless her.if you ever feel up to we can always swap phone numbers for a chat. Xxx
I have done journalling. Its really good. I should start doing it again. Having a tough time atm. It might help xx
Aww bless you Debs heres hoping se ding you Hugs Jo xx
I have also had days when I never made it further than the bathroom. But I did feel I had achieved something