Running from the pain

I came across this article about dealing with pain, and it struck a chord as I know I keep myself busy to try to out run the pain of losing my dad. I can see myself doing it but can’t seem to stop myself.
Can anyone relate? And what do you do to have the courage to stop the busy-ness and face the pain/ sadness?

Hello Houston. Sorry you are feeling so bad, I understand. I haven’t read this article but I will. I have been doing what you for the past 25 months and it’s awful isn’t it. I’ve begun to think that’s it’s one thing to experience grief but it’s quite another to confront it. I can’t bear to sit alone with my thoughts but you get weaker with all the"running". The grief will wait patiently for us though, for however long it takes, until we manage to face it unfortunately. I’m really sorry I can’t find anything positive to offer you but I just wanted you to know that someone else knows what you mean through personal experience. You aren’t going crazy because possibly there are maybe times when it feels this way. Its a bit like living in a limbo state as well, like a stalemate, I feel. I wish I knew the answer as I would willingly share it. I really hope the next few days are peaceful ones for you, as much as they can be. Take care Houston, keep talking if it helps.

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Ah, but the bear got me and ripped by heart out…

Hi Houston

Thanks for posting that link. It really struck a chord with me. I lost my hero, my dad in May 17 then my mum in May this year. I have been on a complete roller coaster of an emotional ride and I’ve learnt so much about life and myself.

I think I have faced grief head on rather than avoiding it and I think, overall, it is helping. The things I find particularly help are writing my emotions down (here or in a notebook) talking to anyone who will listen and just allowing the emotions to roll. Plus reading everything and everything about grief.

Don’t be scared to just sit and think about your dad. I believe we all have so many tears to get rid of before we heal and we just have to face the bear to get them out.

I’m rambling now…sorry.

I hope your bear is kind to you. I’m sure your dad would be proud of you for reaching out for help.

Ann xx

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Thank you Ann
I’m sorry about the loss of both your parents in a relatively short amount of time. I admire your courage and strength to face your grief head on.
When I do allow myself to face and feel the grief it’s usually around 3am, and sometimes it’s not as bad as I’ve imagined it to be. I do think about writing in a journal but not taken the leap scared of what I may find. Knowing what could help and actually doing it are two different things.
Thank you for your ramblings,
Houston x

My heart goes out to you Crazy Kate, I feel the same way.
What has surprised me is the intensity of the emotions internally and physically- it can be overwhelming
Be gentle with yourself. -I wish I would take my own advice more.
Houston x

Tina19 you’ve pretty put down the way I’m feeling into words.
Logically I know it would be better for me to stop the busy-ness, it’s another to have the courage to go through the grief. I guess it’s a journey we need to choose to go through, even though we didn’t choose to lose our loved one, and trust everything will be ok.
Thank you.
You take care as well

I hope today is kind to you Houston. I note what time you sent the reply so I’m thinking you maybe feeling troubled and unable to sleep. It’s not good is it. I fell that by delaying my grief I’m bringing on dreadful anxiety symptoms but there’s no common sense and logic in grief is there? Sending warm wishes. x

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*feel, goodness me I’m making such a lot of errors and I haven’t even been drinking. Besides, I’d make a miserable drinker I think.

Thank you Tina19, It’s been a lovely quite day after the hustle and bustle of the last couple of days. I get sleep in spurts at the moment and being on line is a way to keep running. I definitely feel that delaying facing my feelings brings on being anxious. I guess it’s a great lesson how to be your own friend - kindness to myself is harder than showing it to others.
How have you been today?

Hello Houston, So sorry for your loss. I saw this thread and it immediately caught my attention regarding my need to always keep busy, even prior to my younger sisters death in May. I run, run, even moreso now until I exhaust myself trying to out-run the grief, but it always catches up with me. I work 14-16 hours a day, do volunteer work twice a month, and cared for my Mum until she died of lung cancer in 2012. Then when my younger sister was also diagnosed with cancer in 2017, I lovingly helped her through it, and it was an honor to do so. Now I am alone without a focus or a purpose. I dread idle time. My colleagues relish their days off, but not me. I would work 24/7 just to avoid this crushing pain, and just maybe tire myself enough to get some sleep. To your question, No I do not have the courage to slow down, for fear the grief will engulf and suffocate me. Thank you for understanding. Sister2

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Hello Houston, I’m glad you had a better day just recently. Thanks for asking how I’ve been. I’ve been better. The anxiety won’t quieten down and it’s hard keeping the negative emotions under control. Your sentiments are so true, it is harder to be kind to ourselves. Keep going as best you can.

Are you still feeling a little calmer? Hope so.

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Hello Sister2, It’s so dreadfully exhausting all this running away from the pain. All we want is a bit of inner calmness and serenity to keep us going, it’s not a lot to ask for is it yet it seems impossible to achieve. Sending you sincere kindness and hopes for some respite. If I knew of an answer I’d willingly share for us all.

I’m really sorry about the loss of your mum and your sister. It must be hard for you especially as both of them died in a short span of time.
Like you I tend to find something to do when it would be good for me to sit still. I’m starting small… a minute every hour during the day, some days are better than others but it’s a start and requires a lot of effort.
I hope you find the peace inside of you. X

I finally got a couple of nights sleep and it’s made a difference. Are you getting any sleep?

I’m not sure what would help with feeling anxiois. As well as as the 1 minute break every hour that I mentioned in my last message, I’ve bought a gratitude book on recording 3 things that I’m thankful every day for a year. For although my dad is not here there is still good things in life - I’m hoping that making an effort to focus on these will make a difference in how I see and feel about things. It all may sound good but it’s finding the effort to make it happen.

I hope you find peace within.

Hi All

Houston, you sound like you are doing the right things. I love the idea of 1 minute an hour stopping. The more we think about the things we are scared to think about, the less scary they will seem.

I’ve been reading a lot and that’s helping. I’ve developed a real interest in reading about stoicism and that’s helping me too along with yoga. I guess the common thread to what is helping me is trying to live in the moment. Not looking too far back or in front.

I was also paranoid I would forget things about my wonderful parents so I’ve a note book set aside for any memories as they pip by.

There is no right or wrong to grieving but to me, the fact we are all here sharing our thoughts is a big step forward and you are probably not running away from your emotions as much as you think you are. You wouldn’t be here if that was the case.

Sending you all love
Ann xx

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Thank you for your message and your kindness.

I love your idea of having a note book nearby to write down memories.

You’re right; sharing our grief and thoughts here is part of trying to make sense of what has happened in losing our loved ones and facing our grief. I hadn’t thought about it in that way.

Love to all x

Thank you Tina. Yes so exhausting always running from thew pain that never lessens. I wish you kindness and hope as well. Xxx Sister2

Thank you Houston, The idle time brings up so many painful memories and flashbacks, But the running is not healthy for body or mind either. What does one do to possibly find relief? I am reading all of your suggestions, and I am grateful for the input. Peace to you as well. Sister2 X

I know your entry was a long time ago but I connected very much with it and the replies. I have saved the article you referred to. I have been running away from desperate pain to try to survive after losing my Mum many years ago and it has been very debilitating, anxiety ++ and oh so tiring. I have got so used to it inside me its like normal. Recently I have been opening up more or trying to (and I am getting help)but then push it away again trying to deal with present day. Gosh its hard to give in to it and be open and vulnerable. Very frustrating. I get very annoyed with myself in not giving up to it. Managing and controlling things is what I have got use to and it is not the character I really am. It is still so hard to face the enormous pain of losing my darling Mum, and to realise it happened a long time ago.
I am just trying to open up more by saying these things, hope you don’t mind. I am a bit unusual with the loss being years ago.