Hi, I’m Tony!
After 37 years married and almost 41 years together I’ve lost my baby, my love my wonderful wife, my companion, my everything. We may say that at times I took her for granted, I thought we would reach an older age together, her birthday is 28 November 56 and these numbers appear everywhere I look, our marriage date 04-12-87 seems to be all over no matter where I point my eyes. We were just a few months apart from 68. I don’t know what to do, time is just here filled with memories and pain, at times I feel a physical, real pain in my heart. It started a couple of days after her death while walking through a path we walked together at our campsite, it doesn’t matter where I travel or walk, because everywhere I go We’ve done it before together. Heidi is everywhere, the memories are all over the apartment, streets, roads, places we visited. FRIENDS? Where are they? Her funeral was on the 28th of February this year, she collapsed at home on our couch. I tried to revive her, followed instructions while paramedics arrived but her last look was towards me with her gorgeous eyes as she was asking Tony save me!! Bring me back!! Now when I sit on the couch where she sat every day and listen to audiobooks while I watched TV and where we at times slept together I feel the loneliness.
It’s been almost three months and I’ve ran to churches and priests to confess my sins and beg for forgiveness for all the bad things I’ve done and harsh times I caused, I feel guilty somehow
The priest I’ve spoken to told me that I fulfilled my contract (till death should you part) I normally get jobs overseas and have left her alone until vacation availability 3-6 months
But this year she insisted that I stay home, and I did, she did the impossible to provide me a happy day every day, she preferred spending a day at our campsite or doing something else that would keep me from worries, the Sunday prior to her death I had told her about a job in Poland but she looked at me and said ( no baby stay here with me) I said ok! I will never forget the night prior, every time she passed by my bed she looked at me, threw me a kiss and told me she loved me. I feel pressure from others to get rid or separate myself from her belongings but I can’t find the courage, I’ve taken some of her clothing and shoes and packed them but stored them, as I touched her underwear and socks and opened her drawers I bursted into tears and cry just as I’m doing now as I type. I miss her so much
Hi, Tony.
First thing i am sorry for your loss. My wife had cancer but collapsed one night after her first chemotherapy. Like you i had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. Then when we got to hospital, i had to tell them to turn off the machines which were keeping her alive, her heart had stopped at least a couple of times and with the cancer. So they did not know what state she would be in,even if they could keep her heart going. So the guilt, i carry is hard even though i have been told they is nothing i could have done. I think we all carry some guilt. This grief is yours you alone are on this path, so please walk it how you feel, don’t be bullied into doing things you are not ready to do. This is a bloody hard thing. I am on week 14 and in counselling. So i you need to shout or cry do it. If you need to talk use this website, we are on the same journey. Take care
Thank you so much Nightwish,
I am sorry too for your loss and pain, we, as everyone else say are on a hard road ahead
But I know our loved ones are watching over us
I just ask them to please help us find peace and the road on which we can walk and live again, because right now I am walking on shaky ground, lost and tormented, I feel glad to communicate with all of you, I can breathe a little
I wish all a better day ahead.
Hi Nightwish1
I too had to make that awful decision about turning off the machines. It haunts you afterwards, like if you had more faith she would have been ok. I know it was the right decision, but hate myself for having taken it. It has been 4 months today (6th January) since i lost her. That was singularly the hardest decision i have ever had to make.
How do you move on from it, except very slowly. The guilt i have felt is incredible. I have found it hard to get past. I wonder if she knew just how much i loved her, just how much she meant to me, and, did she love me in the same way?
These questions don’t enter other people’s heads, but i think them all the time. It is totally horrible. Grief can be terrible.
You are right, we all carry our own sort of grief, and good luck for anyone going through it. Carry it anyway you can that doesn’t tear you apart, and ve kind to yourselves.
Thank you Jrthorn. To know i am not alone in this . I am sorry for you’re loss snd that you to had to make that decision.
My biggest fear is that if we do meet again (and i hope we do) ,is that Sue won’t forgive me. The only thing is that i got to hold her hand and play her favourite song, when they turned off the machines.
The hospital staff did something nice they put a knitted heart in her hand and one in mine, then they swapped them over. So i have the last thing she held( they had to close her hand). Which i kiss every night. Sue was cremated with mine. Sorry gone on a ramble.
It’s like you said we have been told not to feel guilty, but how can you not ?
When Jacquie died they did a print of her thumb and my thumb on a wooden heart and a key ring. It was nice.
I buried my wife (Catholic) with everything and more than she wanted. A bottle of Chanel, a Leeds Utd mascot, a pair of platinum earings, photos of her children and grandkids, as well as her wedding ring, some blessed rosary beads and a blanket from her grandkids.
She wanted Leeds Leeds Leeds (marching on together) played at her funeral, which she got.
Even after doing all this, i still carry a lot of guilt because of that decision. It’s like a living hell, going through that talk with the doctor over and over in my mind. How can it not.
Best of luck with your journey my friend. I hope we both get through this ok.
Good luck to you as well. From a claret, originally from Skipton so a Burnley fan for 50 odd years. Sue and I used to be season ticket holders at the turf. Before houses which need money.
I don’t think people will understand the guilt we feel. We both know we did not want are loved one’s in pain, but the pain it has left in us.
My Jacquie’s mum came from Burnley, and was a Burnley fan. Jacquie was a lifelong Leeds fan, but lived in the south of England, so you and i have both had a smile on our faces in the last week or so.
It was great when Leeds got promoted, when Burnley beat Sheff U, but after cheering i immediately burst into tears because she was not there to celebrate with. What a horrible situation.
Yes, i often see posts about people who had no chance to say goodbye, but wonder whether our situation is any less painful. At least they don’t hold the guilt of that final decision that we had to make. I don’t really know. Either way it’s hard and painful. At the end of the day, we have all ended up in the same horrible place.