Dad died in December.Seeing his suffering, both physical and mental during his short time between diagnosis and passing and knowing I won’t see him again and he’s gone, has broken my heart.I tried to go to work a month later but it was too soon. I find my job hard at the best of times. Now I have to return and face the fear because I need very much to be earning again. I’m so scared I won’t cope. Grief for Dad and having to return to the job full time are taking and will take me to the limit.I can’t return phased or part time- they don’t want that and I’m too scared to try because the first time I went back it was a hostile reaction when referred to. Has anyone experienced this fear of returning to a tough ( for me) job and coping with major grief at the same time?
If you have any advice on how I can cope between now and Monday without or to reduce the increasing fear, I would be grateful.
Thank you.
Oh no, so sorry to hear that they aren’t being supportive 
Your GP is there to support you and make sure you have what you need, so personally I’d be requesting a sick note that ticks the boxes saying reduced hours and light workload. If your GP is happy to issue you with a sick note then your employer doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
@sfcs I’m sorry for the loss of your dad it is still so raw and I understand that the thought of going back to work is causing you further distress. It sounds like your employer is not as supportive as they could be however, a GP can give you a fit note that specifies that you may need reduced hours or phased return etc, it might be worth while trying to speak with your GP tomorrow. My dad passed at the end of January, it all came about very suddenly and it is still very hard to accept. I thought I would feel better after the funeral however, I began to experience anxiety that was quite debilitating, when the time came around for me to think about work I just couldn’t cope with it. I have been very fortunate to have a great boss and colleagues who have been supportive. I contacted my GP who prescribed medication for the physical symptoms of my anxiety and they do help. I started back to work last week after 4 weeks off, I was full of anxiety and the day was filled with condolences which was a little overwhelming, no one was expecting great things from me, I worked at my own pace and tried my best to settle back in. To be honest it did help me to keep my mind occupied and the company of others was a distraction. Mondays are very quiet in the office and a huge wave of emotion washed over me and I broke down in tears at my desk, I locked myself in a bathroom cubicle and sobbed, I didn’t think I would be able to stop. I emailed my boss who instructed me to get my coat on and meet her for a walk. We walked and talked and I felt better for it. Grief is exhausting, work is exhausting, just keeping going is exhausting but it is good to get back to work and have a focus on something other than the grief. There’s not a day has passed I don’t feel anxiety or that stab of pain for the loss infact, some days I feel I’m on the edge of falling apart completely like I’m close to crisis point. Unfortunately, I only get statutory sick so I had to return to work. If I could afford to, I would have myself booked into a hotel for a week uninterrupted, with total silence, blackout blinds and just shut away the world until the feelings pass, but what other options do we have but to keep pushing forward. There’s something in feeling fear but doing it anyway, we often make these things worse in our heads than it actually is in reality and when doing it. Do try to speak to your GP, don’t let your management make you feel guilty for grieving, allow yourself time to adjust at work and at home. Thinking of you and I hope you can overcome the fear of starting to work. It will all be okay x
Thank you very much. I’m so glad that your employer has been fair and supportive. I know we can’t escape the grief but it helps if there’s a supportive employer allowing you to build your strength. From what I can gather an employed doesn’t have to offer a recommended phase backThe response last time converted major grief into clinical depression. I Casper it wouldn’t have taken much to tip me but was upset that I was discarded when I had worked so hard for them before, so much beyond the hours I’m contracted to do and paid for when in the final months before mum went into the home and Dad was desperate.
I think you’re right that it might be a case of facing the fear or at least I fervently hope facing it won’t be as bad as the anxiety now.
This is the first major grief I’ve known. The pain of losing Dad is something no one could ever have prepared me for.
The stomach churning/ waves make it hard to eat. Not eating makes me feel even worse.
I know I too will be trying to make it to lunchtime without crying and then to home time.
I hope your meds help you. Even if they make the emotions, the grief attacks less intrusive on professional behaviour. Even if the pain and thoughts of Dad are in my head I just hope to be able to do the job and cry out of clients’ sight.Nor do I want to have a negative effect on my colleagues. We work under pressure, they are so kind but can’t afford the time to comfort me.
I hope your next week is a tiny bit leas painful/ more manageable and that the waves of physical nausea and grief are a little less painful.
We have a long way to go. We just have to keep moving through the days until one day we will notice that it’s become a little easier. Eat, work, sleep, be with kind friends and family members who care.
I have seen time and again on websites that exercise can provide some relief.
Hope I get through my week and that yours is a better one.
Thank you very much.Realising what I badly needed meant little or nothing, it would only worry me more to seek permission and a medical note backing me up might cause annoyance and make my position even worse and the anxiety worse.
I just want the freedom to pay my bills and grieve when I’m alone or with close friends who care.
Oh sfcs,
My heart goes out to you. It really does. There is no way you are strong enough o go back to work but of course i understand that you have bills to pay etc.
May I ask what job you do?
Maybe others in the same type of job can help with suggestions.
Sending hugs
Deborah x
Thank you very much. I have left.The cruelty I have encountered since Dad died and I needed time off, which I gladly took unpaid, has shocked and frightened me. I now have clinical anxiety and depression from which I haven’t suffered for years, as well as major grief for my Dad. I know from advice I should take legal action but have no strength or fight and am afraid of what such proceedings would do to me.
I would not have thought anything so cruel could happen after seeing Dad suffer and die and the pain of remembering him those last weeks and that I will not see him again.The very people I have worked so hard for have now broken me.
I am glad my Dad can’t see this. I miss him but at least he won’t know.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I just want this pain ever since Dad died to leave me. I hurt before he died but it has intensified since so much. Then treated cruelly by work. Just wish I could fallasleep and not wake up . X
I found being at work helps me, my line manager is really supportive. I just want to get out of the house and be with people. I get really depressed being at home on my own, it gives me too much time to think about my mum dying in January. I hope things get better for you xx
Hi sfcs,
Just read your post and want to say the way you are feeling is normal. Most people on her including myself have felt the way you do right now. Its easy for me to say that now but 15mths ago I was in a very dark place. Luckily I didn’t have work to go to so I can appreciate its even worse for you.
The anxiety and depression you are having now is expected because grief does all this to a person.
I agree. You are not strong enough to take legal action and it would put you through so much more anxiety.
I am trying to look at the positives for you. Firstly you have taken the 100% decision to leave your job. It didnt sound the right place for you at all. Some people are lucky to have supportive managers and workplaces and others are not. Some people really dont understand the grief process until they go through it so can come across very cruel to someone who is grieving. Secondly you now have just yourself to think about so switch off from what happened at work and focus on yourself.
Try to set yourself tiny targets for each morning then afternoon. Simple things like having a shower, making some food, going for a short walk even in your garden. For me one of my targets was making a cup of tea. Sounds daft but that’s all I could manage in the early days.
Just try to get through a morning then an afternoon and every night plan something small to do for the next day. Just do anything to get yourself through an hour or so.
Dont worry about people who dont worry about you. That’s what my lovely mum used to say to me and those words are quite powerful when you think about them.
Keep posting on here as it is really helpful to share your feelings.
In the beginning I used to make a point of posting every evening when I felt the loneliest. It really helped knowing someone would reply and then I started writing to several people . In no time at all I had a network of people who posted daily and we helped each other. It became one of my targets to write every morning and evening and I gained so much love and support and friendship from others.
Sending a big hug to you
Deborah x
Well done for leaving their nastiness behind. I assume that you can sign up for benefits straight away. Then again, does anyone here know whether you’d be entitled to statutory sick pay, with a GP note? There are some people with really great knowledge about these things, here.
Hi Burgled,
Lovely words to sfcs,
x
Dear Deborah, thank you so much for your message, it resonates so much with my mind frame at the moment and with such empathy it’s made me cry.
You are right that I was working unwittingly in the wrong place. While I o worked all hours , way beyond my contracted hours and without the reasonable adjustments being made they had promised
they were fine with me. After Dad died they changed so much when I asked for a phase back .I have left a place that was so wrong for me.
I can only manage, just as you know yourself, a few small goals now per day. Even washing up is one. I miss Dad but am so glad he can’t see what has happened even though he would have done anything to stay in this life.
He died thinking the depression I’d had years ago had gone for good and that I had a secure job, though he worried about how much I worked.
I am glad that you are in a better place than 15 months ago and I hope it gradually continues to be more bearable.
It is not even three months since he died but seems so long since I saw him.
Thank you so much, I will put a message on tomorrow if that is ok?
Thank you again x
Thank you very much- am going to ask if I qualify for any benefits while I recover and start to build up a living. I am hoping to have bereavement counselling altho the waiting list is a few months.
I wish I believed in an afterlife where Dad would be in a beautiful garden waiting for mum. I wish I could have a sign. But I just don’t believe in it. I hope I am wrong, that he is at peace.
Thank you for your words, I know what happened at work is for the best. Keep well and take care xx
Hi sfcs
Wow I can feel you are a little stronger so well done.
There will always be jobs that are not right for someone and this sadly has happened to you. Could be the job itself, could be the people, could be anything. But none of that matters now ok because you have left. End of. Forget the place and move on. Remember don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you.
You have just written something lovely That your dad thought your depression had gone. Make that your goal over the next few months and years. To improve on that and hopefully recover fully from depression. Don’t be afraid to seek help from your GP. Everyone needs a bit of help from time to time. Especially with also going through grief.
The washing up is a great goal. You will notice you getting stronger from the goals you set daily. You will gradually do more and more.
Looking back I was the same as you I couldn’t function at all. Getting out of bed was a goal for me , going downstairs because I didn’t even want to do that and I don’t think I dressed for weeks except to plan mums funeral and meet certain people to do that.
You need to work out how you are going to get money while you get stronger to do any work. Try to do this asap so you dont worry about it.
In time you will find a job that you love so don’t worry about that now. Just get yourself stronger so you can face the world and survive all this.
Maybe you could do a course of some kind.
What job was it that you left
Hope today is a little easier for you
Hugs
Deborah x
Dear Deborah,
Thank you so very much for your reply and for taking the time to write it.
I am so sorry that you went through this with your Mum whom you clearly adored.
All I can say is that she raised a wonderful, kind, empathetic and emotionally intelligent daughter. I imagine you inherited these qualities from her and that you made her proud that you are you you are, quite apart from anything else you achieved in life while she was here.
I wish your experience hadn’t been so similar- re getting out of bed, dressing and everything else you must have battled with as I am now.
I truly hope that you are now in a place where you can function again, enjoy an hour, a few hours or a day while still grieving.
To you and to anyone else who sees this, please do not think that I can’t try to help or can’t be told of your bad days or struggles just because I am in the early stages.I will always listen and try to help anyway I can and with gratitude.
I really liked my colleagues, two of whom are friends and always will be.
The job is stressful but I love aspects of it and was promised reasonable adjustments to help with the other parts.They weren’t honoured, so like an idiot I just got on with it, working all hours to keep up.I dare not say what type of work it is for fear that someone on here will realise to whom I’m referring and accuse me of breaching confidentiality or something.
I do intend to take a break for at least two more months but to take easy work like a coffee shop job when strong enough.
Then Iwill look at working part time for an employer who honours the reasonable adjustments. I’m also going to refresh on an enjoyable sideline I worked on until 2016 when mum was becoming ill with dementia and Dad needed help.That work wasn’t stressful, was worthwhile and enjoyable too.Mum used to say “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” -I won’t from now on.
I still so wish I believed Dad was “ up there” waiting happily for mum whom he adored.The greatest gift I could have would be for something to make me believe it.
You are so right Deborah about not worrying or thinking of those who do not worry for you.
I do know that Dad would not want me to be feeling like this.He’d want me to rebuild and move forwards. We can all think of that and honour what we know our parents’ wishes would be for us now, were they still here.We don’t have to believe in an afterlife to know what they would want for us.
I know I can never forget Dad’s last gift and invaluable lesson.Seeing his pain at knowing he couldn’t be in this world much longer taught me in a searingly painful but vivid and indelible way, that life is precious, finite and beautiful.Will never forget his anguished expression at seeing his last sunset a week before he died. Never.
He would want, all our departed beloved parents would want us to keep that lesson close to our hearts and minds and live a life enriched by virtue of witnessing their pain in this way.
So we will/are all to move forwards, be it now or as soon as we are able, and learn to experience happiness-albeit while missing and loving them for the rest of our days.
Thank you Deborah, I am so grateful. It’s like speaking to a dear friend who knows me well x
Hi sfcs,
Taking a few months off is a wonderful idea. It will give you a chance to de-stress ,rethink and chill.
You need time to rest.
Don’t do anything except look after yourself. You have a lot of wellbeing to catch up on so have lots of ME time.
Keep setting your small goals for each day. Avoid people who upset you. Avoid any situation that triggers anything upsetting. For example if you went anywhere like a shop with your dad then find a different shop to go to. It’s all about protecting yourself until you feel you can go back into that situation again. You will get strong enough one day to do the things you once did but not right now.
My mum and I used to go to M and S together. Now I go to one in a different town so it doesn’t have the same memories. You have to plan things differently now to protect yourself. Not always easy but try to think ahead.
Yes I adored my mum and still do. She taught me such a lot and I will always be so grateful to her.
In time you will find a job that suits you. Part time sounds great. Best of both worlds.
Is there anything that you could do by working from home?
That maybe an idea.
Or could you set up a small business of some kind ? You would then be your own boss.
Sending love x
Deborah x
Dear Deborah, thank you so much for your reply. I’m already learning to avoid “triggers” - for example I cannot go to Dad’s favourite fish and chip shop. It was his last meal Thursday 21/12/23. He died 2days later. The thought of going in there when he isn’t there to buy any for, that he won’t be having any with me,is too much. I tried eating in his favourite pub- it’s huge so I decided to sit in a section we’d never been in. I was in tears being hugged by a kind employee who came round from the bar and hugged me when I tried to order.She remembered him, said how recently he’d been in and that hurt even more.
We meet the most lovely people through this don’t we, or at least I hope tgat is your experience…Despite what happened at work, my view of humankind, which was overall very positive, has increased even more since Dad became ill and after he died.
So yes, I’m now preempting triggers as much as possible. I used to shop for some of his food at M and S. I haven’t been inside a branch or food hall of theirs since as he liked to buy their clothes , their food and enjoyed eating in their cafes.
You can’t avoid all triggers I know, but those I can I do.
I hope you can still enjoy going to the different branch of m and s to meet a friend or look around and buy something.
After graduating many years ago I still tutored French even tho I went into a different profession. I enjoyed explaining, seeing pupils’ confidence improve, and it helped me keep using the language.Their grades were nearly always much higher or really high. I stopped in 2016 when mum was becoming increasingly ill pre- diagnosis.So I’m going to revise and brush up massively and try to teach online GCSE as my “ sideline.” I taught English as a foreign language in the days the TEFL courses qualifications weren’t obligatory.Loved that too. So if the more difficult job is too much even part time, I hope and pray I can build up tutoring and take the TEFL course. I hear you can teach tgat to students all over the world online.I can be working on the rusty French now but am not strong enough for an intensive 4-5 week full time course yet. I know you are so right about looking after oneself.
I imagine you might also have struggled to eat as well as so many other symptoms. I had difficulty from the day Dad was diagnosed. He didn’t know- I told him I loved soup, yoghurt. He was too poorly to realise I had that little problem. I’m glad as it would have saddened him.
So you’re right, I need to build up the basics, food, walks, short swimming sessions(,I started while we were in Portugal last year- he was pleased)
We’re you able to watch TV Deborah? I can’t watch anything. I’ve no idea why.
I am so grateful for your help, really I am.
I so hope your pain has lessened to be manageable and not acute.
I don’t know if you found writing letters to your Mum helped. It sometimes helps me to write to Dad in my diary.
Are you still with the same great employers? Am I right that they were great about this? Excuse me, my memory has been so bad since Dad died. It isn’t that I’m not interested in others, I just can’t remember things nearly as well since this happened.
If you are still working I hope you enjoy it and that it causes you no stress. No job is worth that.
I hope you have rebuilt your physical and emotional strength, although the latter is by no means the same as not grieving.I know that everyone misses and feels pain for the rest of their life but that it becomes less dominating and one can be happy and happy to be alive again in time.
Thank you so much again Deborah, have a good day tomorrow and bless you for helping me x
Hi, I have been reading the posts between you and Deborah and I suggest you re-read them too. You are a wonderfully emotionally mature person yourself and all you need to do is believe in yourself and I’m sure you will be fine
Totally agree Louise,
If you believe in yourself you can do anything in life.
Deborah x
Thank you so much Louiseb. I wouldn’t have thought that of me. Thank you
I do think I will get back to functioning and will have a better life as a result of all this. I’m still on rocky terrain but it will be easier one day.
Thank you 