Scared to grieve

Hey everyone, so this is my first time on here. So please be gentle. I lost my husband 3 years ago this March. He really was the love of my life. My childhood sweetheart. I’m 43 now and we had been together since I was 15 yrs old. He was taken very suddenly. In just 3 weeks he had gone from being well to being told he had a pulled muscle, to being rushed to hospital,where he was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer to coming home and growing his wings at home with our family by his side. I never allowed myself to fall apart. I couldn’t I’m now a lone parent with young children who had just lost their daddy,they were my priority.there was always something to keep me busy. Distraction was my key. If I have something to focus on I don’t have to focus on what literally breaks my heart. So I just keep pushing it to the back of my mind. Then in July this year in exactly the same situation and that horrid disease in the same time frame took my dad also. I cared for them both at home and provided all their end of life care.they were my two main men :heart: Anyway now all that grief that I don’t want to focus on keeps creeping up. I know I can’t ignore my grief forever but I’m so scared of being so broken .how it will affect my children. Grief is such a strange emotion fine one minute then it smacks you in the do you grieve cause I’m not sure I have or want to xx


Firstly so sorry for your losses. I too lost my dad and husband who were the great loves and anchors in my life.
Grief affects everyone differently, there is no set pattern, timeline or anything else. You will grieve in your own way, you may already be doing that. I found I couldn’t sit too deeply with my grief for fear of completely losing it so I allowed it in slowly. It was kind of my grief dance between grieve - distraction, repeat, repeat. There is a saying what you resist will persist but we can go at our own pace and feel what we feel and cope with our every day lives that do distract us to allow some brief respite. With all what you have gone through and having to take care of your children’s needs, be kind to yourself and accept as much support as you can


Sorry for your losses.

I also nursed my partner through end of life at home and it’s brutal and horrific - having to do it twice in 3 years is unimaginable

I’m no psychologist, but you will have to allow yourself to grieve and come to terms with it at some point or it will manifest itself in other forms

Unfortunately you have to deal with the practicalities of real life at same time - something left out of the text books - and the temptation to ignore and bury the grief to cope is the elementary solution, especially when you have people depending on you

Impossibly difficult and traumatic :disappointed:


First, I’m so sorry. Your circumstances must be incredibly challenging and difficult. I cannot imagine the exhaustion.

I lost my husband of 22 years on November 28, eight weeks this coming Sunday, January 28, 2024. It’s been a rough eight weeks.

Just days after Bob’s passing, one of his adult children began commenting about getting out of the house more, keeping busy, etc., her way of coping. She feels it would be best for me, and I realize she cares. For me, instead, I feel the need to expose myself to all the memories, and resulting pain, by remaining close to home, as overwhelming as it is to do. My guess is it’s my way of emotionally and spiritually “flooding,” not to rush the grieving process, but my way of coping and learning from the loss. One thing I’m finding out is there’s no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to grief. It is a very unique personal journey.

Yesterday afternoon while sitting in the chair, I suddenly started shaking and trembling uncontrollably. It started small in my core and lower back, then spread more forcefully to the back of my thighs, arms, neck, and upper back and shoulders, even at one point, chattering my teeth. I also felt extremely cold. I turned up the heat to 72. I talked with my daughter on the phone for a while. Gratefully, her sweet comfort helped me cope and reason about my body’s reaction. The phenomenon is apparently a common physical response to grief (the anxiety) and overwhelming stress associated with grief. The body (or specifically the brain and glands) directs and releases an excess of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol into the bloodstream, like it does in “fight-or-flight” mode when a person’s survival is under threat. The body/bloom stream is then flooded with an acute, intense overabundance of these hormones, and the shaking is the body’s direct physical response to that rush. It’s not pleasant. But I realize unfortunately is part of my healing process.

Your circumstances are extremely difficult. As a mother, I completely relate to your naturally wanting and needing to protect your children from the pain and tremendous loss of their father.

Perhaps joining a bereavement/grief support group would be helpful. A safe, supportive environment away from home where you can grieve openly with others who truly understand.

My heart breaks for you, your children and your other family members during this awful time. :heart: