It’s 16 weeks today that I lost my husband of 27 years.
I start a new job tomorrow and I am so scared. I’ve not worked for the past 16 months, so we could spend all our time together, prior to that I worked part-time for 5 years from home; my husband was able to take early retirement four and a half years ago so we were in the same space - our house - together.
I purposely chose to return to employment where I had to go out to work, I thought it would be the best way to make inroads with moving forward, I figured it wouldn’t be the best thing for me to work from home now and be in the house 24/7 on my own. But today it has hit me hard - how much I don’t want to move forward, I don’t want to leave our house, every step I make forward I’m scared I’m moving further away from him, who we were, what we had - I don’t want to move forward on my own.
I know I will get through the 8 hours of work, I have to, I’ve become very good at masking around people outside of family and close friends, but tomorrow has really hit home how real this godforsaken situation is. I know my husband would be proud, he was always my biggest supporter; but knowing he won’t be there to see me off in the morning, wish me luck, tell me everything will be okay, and then when I get back listen to my my day is just killing me.
Hello CaS16, so sorry for what you are going through, I understand, I lost my husband 11 weeks ago. Moving forward in any situation without our spouse is heart wrenching. I hardly want to leave home either, I just want to be home, I feel closer to him here. , its where we shared everything together, from planning home renovations, meals, watching our kids grow up, now our grandchildren, its all just a memory now. Sad lonely days . I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow at work, I will be praying for you , God bless you
Sorry for your loss. At 16 weeks your grief is still very early. Even with going back to work you’re still at the one day at a time stage. Don’t worry about moving forward, you’ll know when you’re ready for that and you’ll take your love for your husband with you. I’m eight months into losing my partner of 40 years. He’ll always be with me whether I stay where I am or I decide to move forward. It is very lonely coming back to an empty house and I miss being able to ask him for advice or just be in his presence. Do you have friends and family to help you through this?
Don’t be rushed by other people either, some people seem to think there’s a time limit on grief, there’s not, grief hangs around for a very long time. Even when your feeling a bit lighter it creeps up on you and pounces again. Wishing you good luck in your return to work. Take care.
@Lightmary68 thank you for your kind words and I’m sorry to hear of your loss too x
It is still very early stages for both of us, it is just so hard being without the one person who has been by your side through thick and thin isn’t it. I’ve always believed myself to be a strong and capable person - until now - I have never felt so small and alone.
@Norma1 thank you for your understanding and kind words
I do have family and friends, so I’m not on my own, even though it feels like I’m the only person in the world - a world which I feel like I’m watching through opaque perspex.
I start therapy/counselling on Tuesday evening, so I’m hoping this will help me find the strength and path I need to to follow to find my way through all of this.
Hi Cas, So sorry for your loss. It is just so stressful to start a new job on top of the grief and loss. You will make your husband proud and you will be fine after a few days. Wishing you all the best
Well put @Norma1 . I just felt Penny was with me all the time, at home, out walking the dogs, having my hair cut etc etc. It’s been 4 years now, and I still feel the same. It got stronger and stronger as the raw grief eased, and I feel happier and happier as I think of her. I just chat to her whenever the thought takes me, often out loud, sometimes silently. Sometimes I get a bit emotional , but it eases quickly, and I can smile at some of the memories of good times as they pop up . It’s early days for you, but hang in there.
@Anita_66 thank you x It was so hard to leave the house this morning, but I did it ( and stayed for the whole day!) It was lovely to get back home again though, straight after walking through the door - said hello to my husband, had a shower and put my PJ’s on - back in my comfort zone.
Ah, the comfort zone! I started straight away by going to my own comfort zone, tucked up in bed, surrounded by my two dogs cuddling up to me. I started going to bed at about 7pm , not to sleep, but to watch tv, listen to the radio, read a book et etc. I still do that, in fact the dogs seem to be able to read the clock and stand at the bottom of the stairs, wimpering if I’m late. Not the same bed though, we shared a water bed, and soon after she died it sprung a major leak, and I had to buy a new normal one.
@tykey when my husband moved to downstairs living ( about 10 weeks before he passed) we had to get rid of the settee to get the hospital bed in ( we live in a Victorian workers cottage) and I slept on large cushions on the floor next to him - we both lived and slept in the front room even when he still had some mobility. I realised after a few weeks that I was actually morning the upstairs of our house, mainly our bedroom; it was our hunker down space, laying in bed on dark evenings or wet winter days watching films etc. and then for the 6 months before downstairs living as his mobility reduced.
I had to put a front room back in from scratch basically when he passed, and had to wait 12 weeks for the new settee, which meant most days were spent back in our bedroom. Nothing has changed in there, and won’t for a long time to come; once again my safe place where we hunker down together
. I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow at work, I will be praying for you 
, God bless you
time to rest now. God bless you 