Scariness

[Bonnie2020]

Hi, please forgive
Me, 1st time on here. It has taken me almost 4 years to realise that I need advice and maybe support from people who understand.

I have family however I now feel they think I should be ‘moving on’, not want to talk about my husband.

My husband died in April 2019 6 weeks after being told he had terminal cancer. In that few months of tests and after diagnosis, we had strangely a wonderful time, doing things he wanted to do, seeing people he loved, ending in a large family break in our fave place in Cornwall, at which we had to
Come home a day early as he felt unwell, drove him straight to hospital as advised, ( he even made me stop for coffee on way home!!). We were told by doctor a night of oxygen and some antibiotics and I could take him home in morning. Had phone call early to say he wasn’t well and he wanted me. We then had 2 days where all the family were there and he passed away 48 hours after going in.

I thought I was coping. But I miss him so badly. We had been together 33 years.

Probably am feeling more upset now as he was always my rock, we had been through a lot together. In the last year
My youngest son moved out, so just the dog and me now, however I admit, (don’t quote me haha) that I actually love living on my own. Go out the house is tidy come back still the same!! I would have my husband like a shot, we had so many plans for when they moved out….

Also I was diagnosed with breast cancer last June, during the pre op was found I have a serious heart problem, which had to be dealt with before breast as was told my risk of dying on operating table under anaesthetic was a lot higher than was good. So had heart issue dealt with in September however breast cannot be dealt with until March as have to allow heart to settle. It scares me. I know slow growing small tumour, however of course scary. And I look for my husband, to talk too, he used to make me smile when I was upset, just to be held.

I don’t feel my Mother understands, very much doesn’t want me to talk about him, feels should be going out more, maybe find a companion, and the best one ‘how do you think I would feel if your dad died, we have been together 60 years’

My 3 sons have been a great support, however even they feel and have given me
Permission to go
On dates!!!

I have a small circle of close girlfriends, however they are all married, I have no one I know closely that has lost a partner.

Sorry have rambled, but missing him is a physical ache, tears have been coming so easily, and sleep and appetite is not good. Why after almost 4 years am I feeling so low? Is it because of the happenings in last year?

Thank you if you have read to the end of this….

[Jeanine1]

Hi
When we are at our most vulnerable we miss the people we love.
I can relate l was with my husband 40 years he is part of me and is who l am.
I know your family think they are helping but only you will know if you want to move on. But if like me you know no one can take his place then that’s okay to.
Lean on your family when you are feeling scared, I would feel scared if it was me and try and be kind to yourself xxxxx

[Solost]

Hi @Bonnie2020, you have torn at my heartstrings. I have just checked in here and read your moving post. First of all, you have absolutely no need to apologise, you can say what you want here, pour your heart out, no one will judge you, we’re all in the same boat, going through the same pain as you. We can relate and empathize with every single word you say. I see from your profile that we are exactly the same age, I lost my darling husband two years ago, suddenly due to a heart attack, he was only 57. I still can’t come to terms with this unexpected, premature loss, I’m still stuck in denial, I still talk to him and ask him where he is,missing him more and more each dayof my life. He is constantly on my mind, I struggle on for my son and daughter who still live with me, luckily.
I’m also so sorry you have had these health problems during the past year, it’s natural that you feel more vulnerable without your soulmate beside you. He is with you anyway, even if you can’t see him. He will help you get through this, ensuring you receive all the treatment you need, he won’t let anything happen to you that he wouldn’t want.
Feel free to come on here whenever you want, Ive been here since May and I have definitely found comfort in sharing my thoughts with others who can understand us. As you have already experienced, friends/relatives who haven’t lost a life partner cannot possibly comprehend our heartbreak.
Take care of yourself, wishing you well.

[Bonnie2020]

Thank you, yes like you I have no interest in finding anyone else.

[Bonnie2020]

Thank you, I know have found it hard accepting he went to the doctor with a sore throat that would not go away for us to be told 2 months later cancer was in 6 places, but not his throat strangely.

And yes I think a lot of it is not having that one person you know you can say how scared you are too, try to be strong and reassure my boys and my parents, all the time shouting inside who is supporting me?

I guess we get through these things and learn to cope, but I feel so lost at moment.

[KarenF]

Hi @Bonnie2020
No wonder you feel so alone with what you are going through. Our partners in life are the most precious support in any situation and it hurts so people much that they are not with us when we most need them.
As Solost said, we are at least a community who understand your loss, even if we don’t have the added fear of the health problems you are facing. I hope you will feel supported here and feel relaxed enough with us to share how you feel.

Sending love and hope that your health will return when you can have your treatment. xxx