Lost my dear companion and housemate of 20 years, 4 weeks ago. He was 45. I cared for Michael since his bowel cancer diagnosis and stoma operation in February this year. Now utterly lost without him. I was with him in hospital when he died. It was a horrendous end. All I could say to him for hours afterwards was, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Now I can’t get the images out of my head.
Last 4 weeks have been awful. I arranged his funeral and it went to plan and everyone tells me I did good. Am so glad it’s over.
Obviously, everything in my life is broken now. We got on so we’ll together and this year have been locked down together pretty much since March. Only going out for occasional appointments for scans etc. We have both said to each other, how much we enjoyed being locked down with each other, despite the increasingly difficult medical issues he was having, and the increasing amount of care I was providing.
I think I can learn to accept his passing eventually but I am struggling to accept his suffering at the end. It haunts me, and has made me terrified of death. I have told his family and friends that he went peacefully. I don’t want them to know what I know. So now I can’t share it, except here. And even here I can’t explain the details. They are too hard for me to even think about.
Also, I hate myself for having such self pity when it is Michael who has lost his life, but I’m now terrified of my future. Who will care for me when I get old and ill? I’m 57 and I have no children to care for me. I don’t really have close friends as I have an autistic kind of nature. I don’t have much in the way of savings but I do own the house. It all seems very scary. I never thought about it before now but now my world has changed and it all looks very bleak.