We are in Spring and it’s triggering my grief. It’s near to and on the surface as it’s 6 months now since my husband of 40 years took his last breaths.
A season change makes me feel I’m leaving him behind . Grief is not logical is it how you feel is very real and has to be faced.
I dread the season changes as time moves forward , I don’t want to move with it. 
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I felt the same at new year - it was a harsh threshold that represented leaving my partner in the past and the relentless passage of time.
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I actually felt angry at the daffodils. The thought that Janet wouldn’t see them flowering this spring. I thought their brightness would lift my spirits but they seemed grey and dull as my mood 
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Memories of us
The New Year felt like the season change a leaving behind any movement in time unwelcome unwanted without our life partner .
Petellonesomecowboy
The daffodils. I didn’t want to see new life springing up because he no longer could see it . There is a level of non logical guilt that I can see it and it then loses its joy.
So very sorry for the loss of your loved ones 
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I really feel this too. My husband of 30 years died 3 weeks ago and I cannot look at the changing garden or his allotment without being overcome with grief. I can’t process how the world can just move on without him here or understand why I have to remain in it. I used to love spring but now it will always be a sad time.
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Starbright
Three weeks is such a strange time zone to be in . I am 6 months ahead of you in my footsteps and 40 years of marriage. I very much understand your thinking about how we are still here and how can things around us like the change of seasons and other things still happen around our loss. It’s a surreal feeling I dint think logic comes into how we experience grief. It doesn’t for me .
So sorry for your loss Starbright. You have chosen a suitable name for your posts.
Thanks @wilderness and I am sorry you are on this horrible journey with me. Yesterday I cleared out a flowerbed but the thought that last years growth happened before all this and that we enjoyed those plants and flowers together not knowing what was around the corner was almost too much. I struggled to throw it away x
Starbright
Yes everything I touch which had a hand or footprint before all this heartache causes me such distress I want to keep it close .
I understand your tears .
@wilderness completely agree with you I have been dreading the Spring - my husband died unexpectedly on Christmas Eve - because he loved the spring he loved growing things he loved nature and now I can hardly bear to look at the garden. I hate it when the sun shines and I want it to to stay cloudy rainy and dark. Like you say, the new season marks the passage of time and it feels too much like the world is leaving him behind which I guess it is.
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Yes, I feel just the same. In some ways it’s worse than in the winter, as now I’m missing seeing him in the garden as well as in the house. 5 months, and the grief seems more acute; less wild and uncontrollable, but as if it’s settled into my bones. People keep saying I must be feeling better now (quote, ‘the Spring will be lifting your spirits’); they just don’t get how painful it is to see the physical, tangible signs that life is moving on without him.
Catrin1
That statement must have come from someone who has no comprehension of grief and loss of a life partner. I’m 6 months in and my bones ache to. It’s like the grief goes down under ground (into our bones), where in the beginning it’s on the surface of our skin . People may not see it but we feel our loss just the same , less visible to others but just as deeply felt by us .
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I’ve decided to plant loads of daffodils in Jan’s memory. Then next spring maybe they will look brighter and lift my spirits when I look out the window.
They’ll be there long after I’ve gone too.
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