Secret grief

Don’t know if this is going to be helpful or I’m going to get judged but struggling with grief and can’t talk to anyone
I’ve been having an online ‘affair’ for over ten years albeit we have managed to meet a handful of times in these years . I first met him 30 years ago in Scotland where we both lived at that time. Nothing really happened at that point unless you count an occasional meeting in our safe place for a kiss and cuddle but I ended it as I was married and he was seeing someone. Forward 20 years and he sent me a friend request on social media. From that time on we talked most days and these were the most poignant times of my life. Getting my early morning ‘good morning’ and again a wee discussion at night if we could as by that time he had children and was with another partner I was married with a grown up. I was in Scotland and he was living in England so logistics were never on our side.
We did fall out once in that time about 7 years ago for around a year which was so difficult so I ended up back in touch and rest was history… last year he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that could not be cured, we were both devastated but continued talking as much as we could. I always told him I’d be there to the end with him. By July I saw a change in him ( by then we were video calling on a Monday afternoon which was the highlight of our week). His daily chats diminished, phoned calls stopped and he dipped in and out with messenger texts every so often. I admit I got annoyed at him for this but he told me he didn’t want to hurt anyone and as he was in/out of hospital his partner had his phone so know I would never text him first. I was just glad I was still receiving messages but just not as frequent. I hadn’t heard from him for a few weeks then went away on vacation for 17 days but always checked my messages probably every few hours as was desperate to hear from him but nothing. He would see my pictures on social media but was aware to never like these a point we made right from the beginning. Not knowing how he was or what was happening, I trolled social media countless times a day to see if he was active but never was. At the end of September he got back In touch and again I was angry at him for not messaging me and worrying me. We arranged a video call for the following day. It was so lovely to see him and hear his beautiful voice but the news wasn’t good . His cancer had spread and he needed non NHS treatment which went into thousands it was the worst conversation we had ever had but his usual was to change the subject and talk about ‘normal things’ I noticed in the call he couldn’t look at me again he described his hard it was as he was never alone. Coming from a big family someone was there all the time. Anyway we finished the conversation with ‘ missing you do much’ I said ditto. A few hours later I got a message saying ‘ lovely talking to you today’ which I answered back and told him I was missing him he retorted back missing you too. That was the last I heard. I was scared to get in touch again incase the partner had his phone so as always waited for him to message me, it never came. Imagine my despair reading an online newspaper he had passed away at the weekend, It took my breath away I couldn’t breathe. Although In shock, lost and heartbroken I’m so angry he didn’t say goodbye to me or got someone to tell me how bad it was. No one as far as I’m aware knew about me and I only told one of my closest frend’s. He was supposed to love me as I did him albeit a deep friendship more than anything. He knew my status from the very beginning I would never leave my husband and latterly he was unhappy in his relationship but we were always there for one another and I can’t begin to describe the way I’m feeling of never hearing that voice again or winding me up as he usually did. I’m distraught. I’ve taken time off work this week to grieve alone when no one here but the feeling of not grieving like those who loved him and can grieve together is unbearable. I’m so angry he couldn’t say goodbye and why . Ten years we spent chatting … why? I keep expecting someone to message me with answers but until now nothing and I know I’m clutching as have no right but im grieving too and with only one friend to confide in it’s so bloody difficult . Before anyone asks…of course I wouldn’t get in touch with any family members that would. Be the worst. I’m really struggling and god I miss him so much, can’t think ahead of life without him

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Hello @Nurselady2,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please do know that you can share freely on the community, and we are here for you. It sounds so painful to grieve in private, but you are not alone.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I can see you’ve posted on this thread and @Dublingirl has reached out. I really hope that you find the community to be a support to you, and can access some further support, should you need to.

Take good care,
Seaneen

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Aw … such a sad story :frowning: so sorry for your loss . Is there any way you can find out where his ashes are because then you could go in private and pay your respects to him … there should be somewhere where he lives where you can find out ? It will be on public record somewhere in a crematorium :frowning: He wouldnt have been ignoring you, he wouldve been too poorly to reach out to you. I know because my husband was so poorly and he lived with me but didnt get much conversation in those last weeks :frowning: Good luck and its so sad to lose someone who means so much isnt it :frowning: i know … xx

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I’m so sorry for your pain & loss. I think that even if we’re surrounded by people sharing the same bereavement our experience is different, & we can’t always help each other…need to find our own support as well. The things you say sound so like normal grieving processes, & the anger is understandable. From what you say, I’m sure he would have said goodbye to you if he could have. There’s so much in life we just don’t have control over. Maybe you can go to the places you used to be with him in the past & connect with him there when you feel able. Much love…talking helps & you can do that safely here x

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Will definitely be a burial which he told me
Will be down in England was looking to see if any funeral dates have been posted where he lives but nothing as yet but if course I wouldn’t be there anyway but wanted to know when it was to feel like I was there to say what I wanted to say
It’s an awful empty feeling grieving alone when all his side have each other
Can see he was certainly distancing from me so feeling worse he didn’t when he could have to at least say goodbye after all that time as can see just a week before died he had commented on a few peoples social media sites. I’m so angry and upset that he didn’t take how I would be being in all this without any closure I’m not a marriage breaker quite the opposite. A professional woman with morals but can’t help feeling all those years were just a sham I’m so hurt by it all xx

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He could have said goodbye obviously chose what I can see was the easy way out by saying nothing which hurts me the most xx

Maybe you can learn to forgive him in time, but it’s so raw just now. What you described didn’t seem like a sham though…it sounded like you were a very important part of his life. I’m sorry, I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I wish you comfort, & we’re here for you. Xx

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So sorry for your loss. I was thinking, you said he was never alone. Maybe commenting on social media could be done while others were close by, but writing to you was impossible because his family was always there? It’s hard to know for sure, but from what you describe I don’t think he would’ve left you without closure on purpose. :heart:

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It’s all helpful njay. I really want to believe he couldn’t but in this present time I don’t. I just feel it was an easier option to abandon me which is hard for me to process after all those years x

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Thank you Ulma xx

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No neither do i … i think he just got too poorly and couldn’t contact you … i know how poorly my husband was in that last week … he hardly did anything … honestly :frowning: he was too busy fighting for his life ;( i absolutely promise you that … i think its just your grief talking xx

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But remember I said he hadn’t spoken since end September. I saw a pic taken on New Year’s Day and although he looked unwell not unwell enough to send a text . I’m hoping my theories are all wrong Deb but I will probably never get the answers I’m looking for thank you xx

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Another day wishing it was over like the last 6 days of torture
The heartbreak doesn’t come from the heart but from the stomach that I’m feeling every moment of every hour
The not knowing what he was going through since we last spoke is killing me slowly
I’m now wondering why I just didn’t text him, why did I leave the last 3 months without any contact so now it’s me that’s feeling guilty … know why… my silly anger and stubbornness
I keep thinking of how his poor mum and dad are coping wishing I could reach out to people I don’t even know but feel I do
10 years of my life loving someone but still so angry there wasn’t a goodbye to converse any meaning of our time so very sad

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I think you should try get sine bereavment counselling you know. It will help xx

It’s not for me Debs… I’m sure in my own time life will get brighter again but for now I’m just happy to release myself on here x

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Ok that’s fair enough … im glad it helps you talking on her though xx

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