I’m just wondering if it’s just me or have others found out hidden secrets on the death of a husband. I’m finding it really difficult dealing with the grief but also not being able to ask him why.

I can’t talk to family or friends as I don’t want their high opinion of him to change.

Do I contact her and ask her what their relationship was? Do I ask her if she wants any of his possessions or a keepsake?

Looking back I can see now that he was quite controlling, the house is filled with his stuff, not mine even though we were together for 30+ years.

My life was looking after and caring for him, doing what he wanted and the revelations have knocked me sideways.


Dear @Jillyb1

Thank you for sharing such a personal post. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

This is a difficult one to answer as only you can make the right decision. The question you need to ask yourself is what will it achieve by asking what their relationship was? Will you, by asking the question feel at peace or feel worse for knowing more about their relationship.

If you do decide to contact the person concerned you then could ask if they would like any possessions or a keepsake.

Unfortunately, only you can make these difficult decisions.

I am sorry I cannot help you further but please continue to reach out here as someone in this Community may have experienced a similar situation.

Please take care of yourself.




I’ve not be on this situation but my thoughts are:

Why has she contacted you?

What does it say about her that she has contacted you?

If you talk to her how will you know what she’s saying is true?

She could be a liar to stir up trouble?

She could have been infatuated with him & was spurned?

Look back on your life with him, has he cheated before? If not trust in that & ignore her.


Dear @Flower_garden and @Peppers,

Thank you so much for responding. I go over things in my mind each and every night.

My only positive is that he stayed here with me rather than the alternative.

I need time to prioritise and think about the way forward; I cannot properly grieve as there are too many external influences. I just need somewhere to vent. A visit to the park to have a scream I think.

Thank you for being here. There will be no right or wrong decision but whatever I decide I will have to live with the consequences!!!

Small steps. xx


Hi Jillyb1

23 years ago my dad had a sudden heart attack aged 53 and died immediately.

Within a day my mum had started getting phone calls from a woman who said she had been with my dad for over a year. My mum and dad had been together for 30 years and my mum had no idea about this.

I told my mum the woman must be a local crank and mum ignored her but then she turned up at my dad’s funeral and made a complete show of herself.

My mum was unable to grieve for dad and instead she hated him for years as he wasn’t around to tell her the truth. The woman never contacted my mum again although she had managed to drop a few photos through our letterbox to ‘prove’ she was telling the truth.

Many years later my mum admitted how much she regretted allowing this secret to affect her grief and her love for my dad. My mum died suddenly almost 3 years ago on their 50th wedding anniversary.

Don’t let whatever you have found out ruin the rest of your life. Remember what you and your husband had and treasure your memories



Dear Cheryl @C1971, thank you so much for your honesty and sharing your mums experience.
It’s very early days for me, my husband passed away in April, I don’t want to let this sully my own memories, I have now sought some counselling which I’m hoping will help.
Thank you once again
Jill x


All the best on your journey.


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