@Dylis My Dad died in March last year & due to a mix up over paperwork (hospital shambles) his funeral wasn’t until the following month. I, like you saw my loved one in the chapel of rest, probably later than I should have. Bodies deteriorate despite conditions & I was left with the image for weeks & months afterwards. These memories fade somewhat & I can now see Dad in my mind of how he used to be. It’s 15 months on now & the good memories have returned to replace the dying ones. I’m sure many others on this site share this feeling. Best wishes to you. X
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That’s really helpful Cee, to hear of someone else experiencing what I did. Also helpful to know that it fades. I’ve been beating myself up for going, feeling like I did this to myself. I feel too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it because I feel I should have known better than to believe mom could look ‘beautiful’ after over 5 weeks. I feel stupid and angry at myself for seeing mom that way and for changing my recollection of her. Thank you for sharing x
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I recently went to see my ex husband (my soul mate) at the chapel of rest, I asked before hand if a closed visit may be better, the lady at the funeral home said she’d seen him that day (5 weeks after his passing) and that she’d be happy to see him if he was her family member, and so I did, he had blemishes (I was warned of) but his skin was so soft (albeit cold) he had signs of slight shrinkage, around his nose especially … which I noticed straight away, but I was glad I got to kiss him that last time, and place matching bracelets on him and myself and one for our child at home,
I did notice what looked like traces of glue on his eyelids and lips, which I found upsetting, I think more care should have been taken there even if it wasn’t glue my assumption was that it was,
We must try to remember the spirit has left the body and the body is the vessel that carries us on this earth, it doesn’t stop the aftershock of a chapel visit I know that, and I can still see the image now, but I had so many things left unsaid I hoped he was there in the room in spirit to hear me even though I sobbed my way through it all,
The hardest part was walking away for the last time I didn’t want to leave
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Hi Lito
I too put my Mums pic on my screen saver , I see my Mum every every day Beautiful as always
Great idea
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It will be 6 weeks from when my mum passed away on 24/5 till 3/7 when it will be her funeral… I’m in a right state as to whether I should go and see her. I’m frightened I’ll be left with an image that will destroy me… I was with her when she passed away… reading this makes me want to decide no?
If you don’t feel that you need to, then don’t. You say you were with her when she passed, so you have that memory. Please don’t feel that you should torture yourself. Go with your gut feeling.
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Going to the chapel isn’t for everyone, I felt I had to because despite me being there with my loved one when he passed as his family were present too and I couldn’t say what I needed to. Also I’ve been denied the privilege of doing a reading at the service so I prepared one and read that to him also.
If you’ve said goodbye then a visit may not be for you, there will be visible changes and it could upset you, only you know what’s best, as I’ve previously said remember our body is only our vessel, our spirit lives on xx
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I never went to see my mum, I wanted to remember her as she was. Personal preference I guess.
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I can’t tell you what to do of course as the choice is very personal. But for me it was the worst possible decision I could have made and I regret it. I had no time to think about it and made a rash decision. I’m sorry you’re tormented about whether to go or not. For me now, I would never do it again. If you feel you still have things to say to your loved one, you can say them anyway. Six weeks in I would personally advise against it. Sending you every possible good wish. Xx
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I think you definitely made the right choice x
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After reading all of everyone’s experiences I really am having regrets. My husband suddenly passed 23rd December whilst we had just arrived in spain to celebrate Christmas. Myself and son seem this and tried to bring him back. We were there Christmas day new-year and when told he ws on way home we got our flights too After 4 weeks ( and advised not too ) my son wanted to see his dad to make sure he got home safely He went and said he ws happy and they’d done his hair nice I for a split second wanted to go and see him for last time ( we we’re together since 15 for 40 yrs) but then thought that would be a special moment my son could always think he would be last person to see his Dad Selfishly I wish id went and gave him a kiss Goodnight This nightmare is so hard Miss him so much Forever Not getting any easier this nightmare
I’m sorry you have regrets, I’m a firm believer of whatever decision you made at that time was the right one at that moment.
grief is such a rollercoaster of emotions, I think regrets of all kinds are natural because we know we can no longer undo anything, please don’t be hard on yourself (says me who beats myself up daily with regrets)
Sending love
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Thankyou so much Cazza81 I know we all have regrets and lis of thoughts about doing things differently. Just when you have to deal with this awful nightmare from nowhere its so hard.Every day doesn’t get any easier it is just a reminder of the terrible that has happened. I know we’re all in this horrendous journey but it helps to talk with one’s who know what we are having to try and cope with every dayand night Thankyou x Take Care xxx
So sorry you feel so bad and regret is a horrible feeling. But your reasons for not going were compassionate and kind to your son and for you, you won’t have to remember him looking different so I wish for you that your regrets fade. It’s a very difficult decision to make and we’re all making these choices under a great burden of sadness and longing so no one knows what to do for the best. I’m sure you made the right choice for you x
I’m so sorry reading these experiences I hope in time that the beautiful memories take over. It’s such a difficult choice and can truly mess with your head. The last time I saw mum she was in her bed surrounded by the people she loved and she looked like she was sleeping and I made the choice not to go see her again but it surrounded in guilt as like many we had to wait for the funeral I felt selfish and guilty for not going seeing her but one year on ( to the day ) I know I made the right decision. I’d say to anyone facing this is to follow your heart 
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Such a personal choice & our needs are very different to help heal. Follow your heart. Just remember it’s ok not to go see your Mum and know that if it’s going to help with healing she wouldn’t want you to be in more pain. Sending
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I very much agree with this. It is your healing that is important now x
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I think it’s lovely you kept him close and were able to have that final physical closeness, to care for his body.
I wasn’t there when my Mum was taken from her house and we had a limbo period over new year when I then couldn’t see her immediately. I finally saw her about a week and a half later. The temporary funeral director’s she was in had very cleverly put a piece of lace over her face. So I could see it was her but any changes were blurred. I briefly took it away and quickly placed it back as the physical changes were enough to make me uncomfortable. I kissed her and stroked her hair.
I had a final visit in ‘her’ funeral home several weeks later. I was a bit frightened but the staff member there was wonderful. She explained there would be no odour, and they’d used a piece of silk to cover my mum’s face. She was very gentle and comforting but kept it factual too.
I think the UK and a lot of the west isn’t great at talking or dealing with the reality of death. I found seeing her immensely helpful. Everyone is different, though.
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Yes the funeral home offered to cover mom’s face after I ran out but I didn’t want them to do that, so I covered my own face and went back in. We just aren’t prepared to see the dead and we’re not used to it. And when it’s someone you love it’s very hard and needs to be carefully thought through.