My dad died a week ago. He had heart problems and lung cancer. Im still numb and in shock but the thing that is haunting me is how much he suffered that last day. He was screaming for help because of the pain, saying he was frightened and couldnt breathe. He even called for his mum who died years ago. We begged the hospital to sedate him as he was so distressed, and later that day he passed peacefully holding my hand. Seeing my dad like that has broken me and i cant stop experiencing the horror of it. Im trying to be strong for my mom and siblings but im struggling to cope. Please help me.
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I am so very sorry to hear about your losing your Dad, and especially in such a dreadful way. I lost my Mum a month ago also from lung cancer and she was in so much pain her last night, trying to talk but finding it so hard to, angry and just so distressed from the pain. She was always such a positive, loving person, and so seeing Mum like that in her last hours was very alarming. At the very end she passed away quietly in her sleep. I really do feel for you and my thoughts go out to you. Four weeks on it is still so painful remembering Mum her last night, but very slowly I am able to also remember when she wasn’t like that and not in such profound distress, not that that diminishes at all what happened in her last hours. Talking about her with family and friends is helping too, and this forum is also helping just knowing that there are others who have experienced similar experiences. Please take good care of yourself, all my very best wishes.
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Hi @AndyHope I’m so sorry to read about what you’ve gone through. I’m 5 months on from losing my dad and his last days were very distressing too. It’s hard to get the images out of your mind, but in time you’ll find they’ll recede and be replaced by memories of the good times (although that brings with it another level of pain - it’s just part of the long journey we’re all on here, sadly). Someone said to me that most deaths aren’t a peaceful slipping away like on TV, they’re often as messy and difficult as birth. I found that helped me process it a little better. You’ll find plenty of advice and support on here, it’s helped me a lot in some very bad moments. Take care and just get through each day, each hour, in the way that works best for you. Jack x
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I lost my dad 6 days ago. He also had heart and lung problems. He was in bed for a year at home before he passed so although i expected it. It still hit me like a brick. My grief is overwhelming at times so i do know how you feel as its very early days for the both of us so we can support eachother through this. There is also lots of support available on here. Your not alone and please dont feel like you have to be strong all the time for everyone else. Sending my best wishes to you and your family as we endure this journey
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Thankyou so much for your kind words. Im trying to take it a day at a time but nights are the worst as im not sleeping well and i just keep reliving it. It feels like im stuck in a nightmare and i cant find a way out. My mum is struggling so much and wants me with her all the time. I do have a younger brother and sister but its me she leans on. Im suposed to be back at work next week but i dont know how im going to cope with that and looking after mum and sorting the funeral. Im going to the doctors on Thursday for a note but i feel guilty about missing work too. Its all too much.
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Hi, sorry you are on this brutal grief journey. What you’ve experienced is traumatic so please don’t hurry back to work or place any expectations upon yourself. There’s so much to do in the early stages but literally take each hour as it comes. Let everyone around you do their share, even though you might feel it’s your responsibility to do it all. Sending you strength to get through this tough stage. Best wishes xx
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You’re at the very, very raw stage and it’s horrific. I took 7 weeks off work because I was so exhausted I couldn’t function properly, I just wanted to sleep all the time. Don’t feel guilty about work, you have to look after yourself. Work will manage without you. Just go hour by hour, don’t look too far ahead, and do whatever you need to do. You’ll get through it - it’s agony, but we do somehow find a way.
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@AndyHope The initial stage of death is horrible & watching someone die is even worse. I walked in on my Dad’s last moments & couldn’t function for weeks. I kept replaying it in my mind. He died in hospital & I promised to get him home. I take comfort from things I’ve learned on here that the hearing is the last sense to go & I hope he knew I’d been there. My only advice to you is take things moment by moment. It’s 12 weeks today since he died & coming here has helped. I hope you’ll take comfort in the fact your Dad passed holding your hand. X
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Thankyou for your messages. I went to the doctors today and he has signed me off until 19th June, referred me for counselling and given me something to help me sleep too. It feels so much better knowing im not alone xx
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@AndyHope . It really is a most horrifying and distressing experience to see our parents demise, like that or at all. I wish there was some way we could prepare for it, but ibviously there isnt.
Its been a very short time since that, for you and it will subside gradually. My mum died 5 months ago, and I watched her fighting for her life, was sedated then passed, with me by her side. I was in a terrible state for some time, reliving it. I still do but not as frequently or intensely.
I just wanted to share that what youre experiencing isnt unusual and is horrific. Its best for you to ask for and receive any kind of help offered and people who care wont mind you going through it with them.
Mazza x
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I’m sorry for your loss- My dad passed 4 weeks ago in hospital after a traumatic 6 week stay. He didn’t have cancer but had to have an emergency tracheotomy as he had severe pneumonia etc and it was very distressing for him and the family. He passed peacefully but we weren’t with him as we didn’t expect him to pass that day. I was the last person to visit him the day before and it was quite distressing for both of us so I understand how you feel. He would have known you were there for him and would have felt comfort in your company and I believe that is the important part. We aren’t able to help with the medical side, we can only be there for them. I wish on my last visit I had done so many things differently but I didn’t, but I take solace in the fact he knew I was there and that was the best I could do. It is hard to accept this and there are days when I find it so difficult but I keep in mind that he was peaceful at the end of my visit and went peacefully the next morning x
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