I feel indescribably ashamed as I told my sister in law where to get off’ in no uncertain terms on the telephone last night and put the phone down on her. I was a couple of glasses on wine in and recognise a pattern of behaviour in that I want to speak to someone/anyone, well not anyone, but a craving for communication at night. I have no focus for the telly and just sit on the lounge rug. When my beloved died twelve weeks ago I called The Samaritans the following night to have some human contact to talk. She is a very loving person and was so close to her dear brother. Somewhere through the communication she expressed for me to not pussy foot around’ and in my inebriated state I verbally lashed out with an expletive. Out of character but inexcusable. I provoked her further by saying I would call The Samaritans’ instead. I feel I have wickedly hurt her as when we did manage to speak again for an hour later she reminded me she had lost a friend to suicide. I have been extremely selfish and realise alcohol is not the answer but it has become a crutch although my husband and I always liked a drink together so it isn’t unknown territory. I can’t excuse grief and loneliness for him for my appalling behaviour. I have let him down, his sister in her own personal grief and myself down. I can’t assuage my guilt but neede to share. I have messaged her today to express my sorrow and ask for her forgiveness but so far it hasn’t generated a response. I don’t expect I should be asking to feel better by any response from her as I don’t deserve it. If there is a draught space’ it is a mirror to have a long hard look at myself and my grief, loss and aggression and disfunctional coping mechanisms.
Hello, your being very hard on yourself, you made a mistake and you’ve apologised, your sister in law may equate her grief to losing a brother to your grief, not understanding that the grief is different.
You understand that alcohol was at play so maybe don’t talk to anyone then or try and limit the alcohol?
It will sort itself out, I’ve learnt that I can’t share my feelings openly with others like I did my husband, he cared so listened, others have their own life’s and we are on the fringe if that & not a main player so to speak.
Many thanks Flower_Garden. How wretched I feel and a year since my husband and I found out his cancer had spread and was terminal. You are right, we can’t share with others in the same way as we could to our beloved one. The joy, the silliness, the spontaneity the honesty, and tears and anger and everything in between. I will try and filter" in future while giving my liver a rest
It takes time, I think we’re in shock at first, we were told it was terminal but I really felt we’d beat it & I think that’s why I was so shocked when he died, people ask why didn’t I prepare myself, how are you meant to do that?
Everything changes, people you knew disappear, your not part of a couple so no longer get some invites, but we have to do new things, make new friends & it is exhausting but what choice do we have?
I tried cruising alone but I felt more alone so this year a new bathroom instead 
Firstly sorry for your loss secondly people grieve in their own way but drinking isn’t the answer I’m afraid I’m not telling you what to do etc but I lost my fiancé to drinking 17 months ago he had a burst ulcer It has totally messed my head up because the weekend before we were out together as he was DJing what he loved doing and 3 days after gone give your sister in law time to grieve we all say things we shouldn’t I’ve been a right nightmare since my fiancé passed away but if people understand you they will know what your going through don’t be hard on yourself but remember others are grieving their lost too give them time maybe write her a letter explaining and not a text when drinking etc doesn’t help trust me I’ve been their and then deal with your grieving also talk to your doctor etc or a counsellor their is no time on grieving xx hope this helps and good luck
@Pooka1968
Try not to feel ashamed, you don’t need that on top. And yes you can blame grief and unexpected loneliness for it. Think of how hard it is when you are in physical pain, it makes us grumpy and snappy… it’s because a big part of our brain is dealing with the constant pain messages so there is a lot less left to deal with the normal niceties. We’re all experiencing a mental version of that. Tears aren’t the only expression of grief, anger and tetchiness get in the mix too.
I snapped badly at a friend who came to stay for the funeral. I felt bad as it made her cry, but we made up and I think it gave her a glimpse into depths that platitudes don’t reach.
You’ve apologised, it will pass.
My version of alcohol is chocolate, just as bad for me (like a whole chocolate orange in one sitting, def not good) but maybe doesn’t numb the inhibitions quite the same! I’m trying to replace it with grapes after it bit back with a lost filling.
Dear @Pooka1968
I agree with all the others … Please don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s grief, and we don’t always have control over how we react. I know I’ve become more selfish.
Mostly can’t be bothered with other people… I just want to be in my own bubble with my husband and our 2 little dogs.
I’m sure I’ve upset people by rejecting invitations etc.
And I hate that about the ‘new me’, because it’s the total opposite of how I used to be , when I put everyone else first, and never thought about myself .
You and your sister in law both sound like good people, so I’m sure it will work out.
Love hugs and strength
Thank you for all your understanding, validating replies. I never realised such grief and loss could sit amidst both tears and uncharacteristic anger. I am self aware enough to know also, that alcohol is a poor mix for a lack of self control, disinhibition and inappropriate actions or comments and I am better than this and my beloved would expect better from me.