My name is Jan, this is my first time posting on this forum. I am posting primarily to ask a question about people’s and experts’ experience with bereavement. Firstly, I want to lay out my experience with loss as it’s important context for me to ask this question.
Two and a half years ago, in January of 2023 I lost my Aunt, very suddenly and very tragically as she basically died alone, and with no family around. I had been very, very close to her; I spent a large chunk of my childhood with her. The following day we travelled back to my home country to be there in time for the funeral. The day after we got there, we received a phone call saying that my Father had just died also. My father had been an alcoholic and was in very poor health but I had no idea that he was on the verge of death and the news came as a surprise also. I say, “as a surprise” and not, “as a shock” for a reason - My emotional response to this information was extremely strange: I was saddened, of course, but I couldn’t work up the emotions that I would expect to have after losing two of my closest family members. To this day, when thinking of all the memories I had with my Aunt and my Father, I feel very much numb and strange, it almost feels as though I’ve lost some of the memories I had of them.
Now here’s my problem: a month after this event, I got very, very sick. My most prevalent symptoms in order of how they manifested themselves are:
Extremely low quality of sleep
Extreme exhaustion
IBS-like symptoms (constipation, pain, cramps, bloating, rapid weight loss of ~6kg, increased appetite, muscle wasting and unnatural muscle weakness, etc. etc.)
Very severe neurological-like symptoms (headaches, vision loss, confusion, brain fog, memory problems, balance problems, speech problems, inability to focus)
An innumerable amount of miscellaneous symptoms which seem very random but altogether they make me feel horrible (intolerance to cold and heat, excessive sweating, shortness of breath, mucous, dry, burning eyes and many more.)
Those are just the problems that I can think of off the top of my head but there are, it feels like, thousands of different weird and unusual things happening to my mind and body which have taken away my ability to lead a normal life over the past few years and have made me feel so awful that most of my free time is spent laying in bed and suffering. Of course, I went to see my doctor, and then I ended up seeing many different doctors and having many different tests and examinations and almost all of them come back saying that I’m perfectly healthy and that there is nothing wrong with me.
Some of the medical professionals I saw mentioned that there is a good chance my symptoms came about as a result of “bereavement” from the loss of my family. And that is my question: is it possible that I could have such serious health problems just as a result of emotional distress? I want to stress that my symptoms are very extreme and I feel as though I am borderline disabled as I can’t do a lot of the things I used to because of them. I can’t find much information about this online so that’s why I’m asking here, I’m hoping that someone may have some input on this based on their experience. I just find it hard to believe that I could have this powerful of a reaction to something that happened over two years ago.
Please let me know what you think. Thank you to everyone who read this long post and thank you in advance to anyone who answers this. Any and all help is much appreciated.
I think I can relate. My father was an alcoholic and caused us great grief and disappointment when alive. He failed us badly when my mum died after a horrible battle with cancer. We lost our home as my mum was in her last days. I gave up work at 17 to be with my mum, but the strain of that, and dealing with a selfish boyfriend, caused me to have a serious nervous breakdown.
I recovered and went on to marry and have 3 beautiful children which made my life happy again.
Then my sister died at 44, leaving behind 2 young children. That really hurt me.
I carried on after that, then I realized I had to divorce my husband of 35 years for cheating on me.
At the same time my daughter shared she’d been sexually abused from about 3 years old by my brother in law and his wife.
I was absolutely shattered by this. Utterly heartbroken. This was worse than all the deaths put together.
And since then, I’ve been fighting depression and diabetes, head tremors and a benign tumor on my brain and other illnesses.
Until I read your post, I never connected these issues with my grief and loss.
But your post has opened my eyes.
So all this, to say , you’re not alone. The body does indeed keep the score.
I’m so glad you’ve shared your story, as it’s helped make sense of mine.
For me, it’s knowing God and relying on Him. Crying out to him continually for help and strength as I’m at the end of my tether. End of being able to deal with this alone and still love my kids and grandkids and keep on putting one foot in front of the other
He has brought me through and shown me “beauty for ashes. That He works everything together for my good”.
Otherwise I would have ended my life a long time ago.
Thankfully I never, and lived to have experienced the joys of motherhood and grannyhood Also to see my daughter totally healed and married and satisfied with the birth of her baby daughter. A good career. Rewards for all the grief we have endured.
Hope this helps and encourages you.
Don’t let the Devil take you out.
Trust in God and do good, and He will keep you “keeping on”. He will carry you when you can’t take another step.
I know what I’m about to type doesn’t do it justice but, you’ve been through a lot. I’m glad that you could find some solidarity in my experience, it also helps me to know that I’m not alone. I too find comfort in God and prayer has helped me more than any Earthly doctor could.
Hi John,
Thanks for your reply and you’ve said it so well. God is indeed our Healer and does what no earthly doctor can ever do. His help is truly supernatural.
What a glorious hope we have in Him.
Thank you Jesus.
God’s continued blessings on you and all whom you love.
As for me, I relate very much to that truth that’s shared in the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. There truly is the 4th man in the fire with us. God is so faithful. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. X
I lost my husband over 3 months ago and I’ve gone into complete breakdown, all I can think about is death, I’m scared I’m going to suddenly die and I’m scared I don’t like being in my own and can’t go outside for the fear of something happening to me, I have anxiety all the time
Shelley, that must be unbelievably difficult. I do hope that you can find some way to deal with these emotions and I know that, eventually, you’ll be able to overcome them if you don’t give in. This seems like a good place to be for someone who’s grieving like you. Know that there are many who feel just like you do, I wish you all the best.
Im so sorry for your losses Jan, and in such a short period of time Grief most certainly is a whole body experience - certainly poor sleep, exhaustion, digestive issues, brain fog, inability to concentrate are all symptoms i’m aware of. But im not aware of muscle weakness, speech problems, balance issues etc being linked to grief - i think if you have concerns, please push your GP for a second opinion. It sounds like this is seriously impacting your quality of life, and whilst some issues may be grief related, its all too easy for them to dismiss it all under the umbrella of grief. (In the same way if something is down to “aging” youre just supposed to get on with it!).
You mention that when you think about your Aunt or Father you feel numb. Do you think you have allowed your grief to flow? Emotions are literally energy in motion (“e-motion”) - they need to pass through our bodies and if they are suppressed or ignored, this builds up in the body and will make itself known in other ways such as physical symptoms. Our mind and body are connected - you can’t separate one from the other. Have you considered talking to a counsellor who specialises in grief and loss? Your GP may also be able to arrange access to this for you. It may not alleviate all symptoms but it might help with some, and then that might make it clearer which other symtoms still persist and therefore need further investigation
There is a book called The Grieving Body by Mary Frances O Connor that might be an interesting read - ive not read it personally but have listened to interviews with the author. Books: The Grieving Body — Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD
I don’t think my GP is interested in giving me any more second opinions, they’ve basically told me that they don’t know what’s wrong with me and that I should just try talking therapy. As for allowing my grief to flow, it’s something I’ve tried but I just can’t seem to build up any strong emotion no matter how much I think about my loss. I simply feel numb. I’m going to get in touch with a charity who offer talking therapies to people going through bereavement. I think it’s a bit of a long shot and I don’t think it’s going to allow me to open up but I’m willing to try almost anything at this point.
I think I’ve heard about this book somewhere before, I’m going to check it out. Thanks for the kind words and the advice.
Im sorry your GP isnt more supportive it sometimes feels like if you dont fit into a neat category you are moved to the “too difficult” pile.
Feeling numb can be a normal response to grief - its the brains self protection mechanism. And just to note, everyones grief is so different, you dont have to be crying all the time to be grieving!!
Im very interested in how the mind and body interact, and if its something that interests you, there are other somatic therapies around that utilise more physical movement or breath to release “stuck” emotions, rather than solely talking about it. Also depending on your views about these things, reiki healing is another way of removing blockages and restoring balance. It wasnt something id experienced until after I lost my Mum, but I find it very beneficial. So there are other more holistic options you can also try to complement any talking therapy. Even walking, yoga, tai chi - physical movement is supposed to help get things “flowing” again
I had a very disconnected range of physical symptoms following the sudden death of our daughter. I found some info on Marie Curie page and discovered that stress can impact on your vagus nerve. If you google this, AI shows
" Stress, particularly chronic stress, negatively affects the vagus response and leading to a state of prolonged hyperarousal. This imbalance results in inflammation, impaired digestion, increased heart rate, mood disturbances like anxiety and depression, and physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, and dizziness."
For me personally this seems to come in waves - a few weeks after related high stress points - eg clearing her property. I think adrenalin gets me through the worst part, then the other physical symptoms suddenly appear - eg flu like symptoms, nausea etc. I think it is different for different people, and I’m not sure how it is diagnosed or treated.
Might be worth considering?
I haven’t posted on this before, but I felt I just had to say something about this post because what you were saying about your symptoms sounds very much to me as if your thyroid gland has been activated and you might have something called graves disease. Easy to treat and easy to diagnose.
Bodies react so differently to grief.
Thank you. At one point I thought I might have something wrong with my thyroid also because the symptoms seem to be a close match but I’ve had my thyroid tested and, from what I’ve been told, there is nothing wrong with it.
There were times where I would read about various diseases and their symptoms online but it’s dangerous because there are very many conditions that cause symptoms which are a scary-close match to what I have, including some very rare and obscure conditions.
I John sorry for your loss
I am going through the exact same situation I loss 4 realities last years 2024 two where very close and 3 this year 2025 My brother loss affected me the most I cannot think about him without crying my eyes out my health have deteriorated significantly I am always in my bed. I do not have the strength to do anything
Thank you for leaving this message. I hope you can find some solace in the fact that there are others who are feeling the same way. I think I actually feel some improvement in how I’m feeling from talking about this to people, including on the forum. Maybe sharing your experience can help you also. I’ll pray for you, keep well and stay strong.
Grief most certainly is a whole body experience - certainly poor sleep, exhaustion, digestive issues, brain fog, inability to concentrate are all symptoms i’m aware of. But im not aware of muscle weakness, speech problems, balance issues etc being linked to grief - i think if you have concerns, please push your GP for a second opinion. It sounds like this is seriously impacting your quality of life, and whilst some issues may be grief related, its all too easy for them to dismiss it all under the umbrella of grief. (In the same way if something is down to “aging” youre just supposed to get on with it!).
it sometimes feels like if you dont fit into a neat category you are moved to the “too difficult” pile.