Set back when visiting home/grave

Hi everyone,

My dad passed away in November.He was 80 and had experienced several months of ill health, but his actual death was rather sudden and unexpected.

I have felt alot of difficult feelings of remorse/guilt etc since, relating to the fact I barely saw him in the last months of his life (I was worried about the covid risks of visiting him in hospital as I was heavily pregnant for most of the time he was there) and we had a somewhat awkward relationship since I was a teenager/adult so there was alot of things went unsaid.I also have felt bad because I didn’t take my 4yo daughter to his funeral, which I regretted alot afterwards.

Generally I haven’t been doing too badly the last month or two with managing the grief…it hit me properly in jan/Feb which was tough, but the recently things have eased, and this has made my family household much happier as a result of me being less stressed/upset.

The main issue I have, is that every time I either go to visit my mum at their home, or go to my dad’s grave, I feel like it sets me back, and I overthink everything again, and it plays on my mind and causes me to feel worse again.

It’s tricky as I don’t want to not visit my mum, or visit the grave, but I don’t want it to keep affecting me like it does each time either.
I get upset at my mum’s because there’s so many stark reminders everywhere, and she is in the process of sorting through his things.

Does anyone have any advice how I can manage this please? so that it’s not impacting on me too much mentally each time I go to these places.

Thankyou x

Dear @ALRC87

I understand where you are coming from having experienced this myself.

I would chat to your mum and tell her how you are feeling and how it is affecting you. She may well not be aware and would understand. My mum was not aware and did not realise how I felt after my dad died. I started off visiting my mum once a month until I felt comfortable with longer and frequent visits.

We chatted on the phone which kept us connected. Now days we have facetime, whatsapp etc which helps and keeps you connected face to face.

Give yourself time, you are still grieving, take it at your pace. You can visit the grave when you are ready and for support take someone with you. You and your mum could go together as support for one another.

Be gentle with yourself and take care.