Shame. Anger. And shame again

My wife passed away over 7 weeks ago from a very aggressive form of Sarcoma Cancer. We were a very touchy feely couple and night times are the worse! No one to talk to, no one to cuddle up with on the sofa and no one to do the nothing with.
Every day is getting harder and harder to bear. The emptiness is too overwhelming. And the night times are worse than the daytime.
I so miss the physical company that yesterday, I thought it might be an idea to join an online dating website for widows and widowers. Now. I sorely wish I hadn’t. I feel SO ashamed that I feel I have betrayed her my late wife’s memory and love. I cried this morning at my wife’s grave feeling these feelings of shame and I sincerely hope she can forgive me!
My grief is now at an all time low! On one hand, I need to be touched once again and want to enjoy the physical side but on the other, the shame is too powerful.
I would like to feel love again, to make love again and to be loved again, but as a middle aged, slightly over weight man who wears glasses, what hope is there? If I was a young female, if I wanted to feel these again, I wouldn’t have any trouble! I’m hurt and angry that I feel like this!
I like to think of myself as partially educated and know that sex and death are very closely linked (affirmation of life), but all of these feelings of anger, shame and the affirmation of life are all so mixed and confused.
I am SO incredibly sorry for causing any possible offence, as I really don’t want to offend.

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Hi Chris
Everything you’ve said is completely understandable and normal, there’s no shame at all.
Your wife would want you to live a happy life.
She will always be in your heart watching over you and approve.
She can’t be replaced, you have to live for you now, the best you can.

I met my Valerie on a ‘dating’ site.
We were both at a low point in life, 16 years ago.

It was the BEST thing we both did, it lead to 16 years of pure happiness.
Valerie often said it was organised by our deceased mothers in heaven.

Good luck.

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I don’t think your feelings are unusual. When you loose your soulmate, you loose the closeness and intimacy as well and it hurts. I think it’s like with any decision, just don’t make any big decisions too soon. They say that for things like moving house etc. It is so hard because we know that our soulmates would want us to be happy - that’s what they spent their lives doing for us ( and us for them) but we also still feel total love for them whether they are here or not. Our minds are a mess. Give your mind time to clear a little and then take each step one at a time.

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