Shattered soul beyond repair

I live in South African. I’ve been living on through being strong and on survival mode from loss, trauma and pain for all my life since my first experience with death when my dear mother passed away 10 Feb 2012​:sob::disappointed:, It felt like the whole weight of the world came crumbling down on me, it was like the sunset had set during the day and darkness had fallen. Her death was sudden we woke up that everything was okay she was fine then a few hours later she not feeling well it seemed as if, if she was to see a doctor she’d be fine and the next thing I know she was gasping out her last breath. As young I was I had to pick up the pieces of my broken life and move forward without her, having my grandmother as my source of strength, support and rock solid pillar. Yeah she couldn’t fill the void of my mother but her comfort and strength gave me a reason to know that I’m not alone, 2014 my father gets diagnosed with born marrow cancer. Me and him had no bond or relationship as father and daughter, he could barely show up for me at the most tragically time of my life after the devastating loss of my mother. I was angry at him, he was the reason why I despised men because of my daddy issues, but as soon I learned that he was not well I rushed to him right away and when he saw he felt so ashamed and guilty using his illness as an excuse to run away from the truth between him and me telling that he was dying, I told no he’s not this was a time God chose for us to restore and make up for all the missed experiences in each others lives as father and daughter because he had gone and chose he’s other little family and forgot about me who was in his life before he decided to go play a family to his wife and his kids. And having being given that chance to restore our bond and make up for lost times, it was as if I am forcing myself unto him and I stepped back and continued my life without him as I’ve been doing so since 2012, 2018 I receive a call from my father eldest daughter my evil stepsister asking me to urgently come to hospital as my dad is in a critical condition shut down most of his organs and he is in a coma. I drove to hospital when I got there to see him I was met by my evil stepsister, my fathers wife and daughter whom was another evil stepsister of mine at the hospital. I had my first ever heartfelt conversation with in that hospital room while was laying on his bed with his right open and the oxygen pipe in his mouth, being able to hear me however unable to respond to me. I told him I forgive him for all the pain he had caused onto me and that I pray God works his miraculous ways to give him another chance in life to fix all his and especially the relationship between and he’s right eye shedded a tear that Monday afternoon and on Tuesday evening April 2018 he passed away, I went on a downhill spiral and yet again my grandmother was there to help yet again pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

Later that year in December I had my graduation ceremony and my grandmother was there to celebrate with me my achievement, got a job and everything was going well. Later 2020 during the Covid-19 pandemic I then decided to seriously look around for a house for myself whilst studying my second major degree and working, the house was registered as mine in May 2021 and in June 2021 I graduated and obtained my degree, 12 July 2021 my male bestest friend was senselessly killed at his home. Once again my grandmother was the only person who opened her arms and heart for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on as well as comforting, one early morning in October 2021 I receive a call from one of my uncles to inform that my grandmother is not well her feet are swollen and she can’t walk, I rushed back home to be at her aid November her condition got worser I was falling apart asking God to be with and spare her for me as I am still in need of her in my life. She had to be admitted and I was there for hospital visits and she had ended up being on a diaper and ventilator 10 December she was discharged still not being okay but better than how she was before her admission and I would visit my grandmother everyday and call her every hour of the day when I am work, I last saw her on Monday 20 December and I gave her a call the entire day on Tuesday 22 November and I told her that I’ll be taking leave so I’ll be spending my December holidays with her I even told her what I’m going to buy for her and how I cannot anxiously wait to see her and be by her side I told her that I love her so much; later on that evening she passed away peacefully on her bed :sob::broken_heart::sob:. My whole life I had her by my side throughout my heart wrenching experiences and her loss for me was the lowest of all low blows for, my entire world was shattered empty and alone.

Mid 2022 I came across two of my cousin’s best friend who also happened to be my late best friends friend the were a group of friends whom I’ve always known since 2017 but because of having my guard up from the fear of opening up to men or even being in a relationship I turned him down when he was making his moves on me by telling him that I’m not the type of girl he would want to date, because I will break his heart and he was such a sweet, kind, humble guy that he respected my rejection of me and him being an item, however we would still bump into each other on a regular basis and we would have small conversations about general stuff and it would end there even deep down he still had the thought of us pursuing a relationship together, back to 2022 we bump into each other in a club and he was with one of my cousins, and I was with my gay friends so before the end of the night one of my gay friends who opted for us to go with his car decided to leave us strand at the club and my house keys in his car switching off his phone, but Mr Prince charming decided he was going to be my knight and shining arm that night in making sure that wherever the night leads us he make one thing sure that I get home safe and sound. From there on after I fell in love with him as he has been from day one when he saw me and then after we were inseparable he was my best friend, brother, companion, clown, soldier, soul mate, twin flame, my home, safe place and ride or die , sharing so much in common him having never been in a fully committed relationship because of his mommy issues and we decided that we had nothing to lose so when on and took a risk that turned out to be a love story from two imperfectly perfect humans being but loved each other perfectly regardless of their flaws and shortcomings we introduced ourselves to each other’s family members as we were both sure of each other and what got going on together, I had yet to meet his mother personally since she lived in a different city from him and we had only spoken on a video call only for the most beautiful love to be short lived :broken_heart:. The morning 4 Nov’ 2023 on his birthday we had planned on going to the funeral of my uncle’s late son, however he had told me that he won’t be accompanying me as he has to attend the funeral of his childhood friend who was being buried the same day. Which I didn’t have an issue with told him before I’ll be in touch with him on the phone during the course of the day, because it’s his birthday day and had a whole surprised planned for him that day; so as soon as I got done at my cousins funeral I gave him a call to check out where his at and what his up he told me he was chilling with his boys and he kill sometime with while I get myself ready, because he knows how make up can have me taking forever to get ready. 2hours later I receive a call from his phone me thinking it was him telling me he was on his way, only to hear his friends historical voice informing me about the most devastating news that has been fatally shot and he is asking for me to come and be by his side. I rushed drove with his cousin to the facility he was driven to by one of his friends and an ambulance has been called while walking towards where he was laying I saw no bullet wounds on his chest, it was his legs and arm that I was able to see only until I got closer to him that I saw the bullet wounds on the left side of his face my heart sunk into my stomach and distraught as I was I had to pull myself together for him to not see me broken and hopeless I spoke to him and asked him to fight for his life not only for him and I but for his kids (he had kids, however not with me) in response all he kept on shouting was that he loves me so so much I assured that I am here and I will not leave his side ever. All I deeply asking from him is to fight stay alive the rest we will figure it out together. Ambulance came stood there for some time as the paramedics said they were trying to stabilise him before driving to the nearest hospital and when the paramedics got drive off to the hospital I was driving right behind it having. As soon as I got to the hospital I opened up a folder for him and took a seat and waited for the doctor to come to me with positive feedback as I had all the high faith and hope in me that he will pull through. 45mins later doctor called my name and said I should follow him as he walked in at one of the hospitals consultation rooms being followed by a female and male nurse. Closed the door and introduced himself as well as his two nurse colleagues and asked who was and I told him I’m the partner of the critically injured patient that was brought into the emergency ward 30-45 mins ago. All can remember him saying to me was “when you’re came here he sustained multiple gunshots wounds on the left side of his face and after that he continued on saying we tried everything we could”, the moment I heard him say that I lost my mind and senses everything went blank, blurry and black :sob::sob::sob::sob: it felt as someone came stabbed me in my chest and ripped out my heart right out my chest :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: my knees went numb and it was as if I was being swallowed by earth into this dark hole.

I’m broken beyond repairs, not absolutely nothing makes sense for, there’s no me without him, I’ve lost my everything and I’m destroyed therefore I see no recovery from this pain and I don’t want hear that all my significant and precious soul that I lost are in a better place then why I am not with them right now. I’ve been strong for most my life put on a brave face that I can’t even begin to know what being strong look and feels like. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean and no one is there to save me. :sob::broken_heart::sob: I don’t even want to hear that everything happens for a reason because I refuse to believe that. How could life be so unfair and cruel :pleading_face::cry: my heart is bleeding and I’m just tired from it all. This time there’s no way I can be able to mend the pieces of my shattered world with this one.

What have I done in life to deserve such heartache, sorrow, sadness and pain :sob::broken_heart::sob: I am far from being okay and I doubt I will ever be okay

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Hello @MissTerry411,

I’m Seaneen, and I’m part of the Online Community team. I’d like to thank you for so bravely reaching out and sharing your story with us. That is so much loss to endure and I can hear the pain you are in. I want to reassure you that you are not alone.

I’m giving your thread a gentle bump - I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support :blue_heart:

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@MissTerry411 sorry for your losses and horrific experience.
I lived in South Africa for many years before emigrating to UK, so do have perspective on the gratuitous gun violence that plagues South Africa, also having lost friends of family to hijacking incidents.

There are no words that will provide comfort or make this any easier.
I would recommend trauma counseling to deal with the inevitable PTSD you will experience from what you have witnessed.

Stay strong.

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I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to take a moment to express my heartfelt gratitude for your comforting words during the all the significant losses I’ve suffered💔. Your words of comfort kindness means the world to me during this challenging time😔.

Your thoughtful words has provided me with much-needed solace and reassurance. I truly appreciate the genuine care you’re showing to me.

Please know that your support has made me know that there are still some great souls out here in this world as some friends have turned into strangers and strangers have turned into friends.

Thank you again for being such a wonderful person, may stay you blessed .

Additionally I have started going to therapy sessions as I’ve been diagnosed major depression and anxiety. I’ve just been falling about every single day and I do hope that some day will be able to look back on this heart wrenching pain and say I made through something that had shattered me in a million pieces, as well as being a person that can bring love, light and hope to another person who may be going through a devastating experience in their life. Though nothing looks good in my life, seems like I’m sailing alone in a sea with heavy waves but every day I keep pushing forward against the waves even though I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.

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I wanted to take a moment to express my deepest gratitude for your unwavering support and comfort during one of the most challenging times of my life.

Your presence and kindness is a source of solace and strength for me as I navigate through the depths of grief and PTSD. Your compassionate words, understanding, and willingness to listen has provided me with a glimmer of hope and reassurance during moments of darkness.

Knowing that I have your support and empathy by my side has made an immeasurable difference in my healing journey. Your genuine care and empathy has made me feel less alone and more understood, and for that, I am truly grateful.

While the road ahead may still be challenging, having people like you in my corner gives me the courage to face each day with a little more strength and resilience.

I am deeply grateful this platform and the comfort you’ve providing me with. Please know that your kindness has not gone unnoticed, and I will always cherish the support I’m given.

With heartfelt appreciation,

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Dear @MissTerry411. I have read your post and I have no words for the pain you have been through ans are going through. Just want to let you know I’m thinking of you :heart:

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Trauma counselling will help with anxiety and PTSD.

Unfortunately there’s no easy fix or playbook for grief.
You have to find what works best for you to navigate this path best you can.
It’s still early days for you and there is a bumpy road ahead.

Stay strong and keep on keeping on, day at a time - best any of us can do

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Thank you so much for your comforting text. It means a lot to me during this tough time :pleading_face::broken_heart:

@MemoriesOfUs it’s all still raw and I’ve been trying very hard to run away from the pain, however it’s been so hard that it constantly reminds that it is here and I can’t run away from it no matter what I try, for my mental health and wellbeing I have decided to go to therapy.

As well as validating the waves of pain, grief and suffering without trying to escape them or wanting to rush the process of my journey; teaching myself how to be more kinder towards myself and shutting myself out from people that are not good for my time and energy, cause everyone just don’t understand that strong people break too and I am human after :sob::broken_heart::pleading_face: and life has been throwing off course time after time and this point I don’t even know what being strong means anymore​:disappointed:.

Therefore I think going forward it will best if I choose people who are more of my tribe you, but more than anything thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, words of comfort and generosity I truly appreciate it :white_heart:.

I am concerned for you It’s complex, you have experienced trauma of a kind most of us on here haven’t due to the involvement of gun violence, and that’s by no means to minimise the trauma of the manner of departure of many, many who share on here. I have heard of organisations set up specifically to support people who have lost someone to gun violence but unfortunately I can’t recall names I’m sorry Maybe if your interested have a look on the internet I believe your trauma is so intertwined with your grief it’s not a case of ‘treating’ both separately and you would benefit from specialist support but I am not an expert so please do what you decide is best for you I am though very sorry you have been through such turmoil and wish you well

There’s ‘Gun Free South Africa’ - have a look online
If you haven’t already
I just wanted to help on reading your experience
I hope you have found support