She cant be gone

I lost my sweet wife of 47 years to aggressive small cell lung cancer on 4/28/20 only 9 days after diagnosis. She died on our anniversary. I am totally heartbroken and truly do not care anymore. She was 65. She had suffered many health issues for the last 10 years and i had become her caretaker a job i was happy to do. Most days consisted of us watching tv together on the couch holding hands. We are retired and she had a hard time walking. Over the last couple of months she had started having breathing issues then a couple of weeks before passing she started coughing up blood. I wanted her to go to the hospital but she did not want to go as she was afraid that we may not get to see each other again due to the damned virus. I watched for 4 days as her breathing got to the point she had to sleep sitting up on the couch. We tried to fool ourselves into thinking she had bronchitis or pneumonia but deep down i think we both suspected it was worse. I finally begged her to let me call 911 on 4/19. She was scanned that day and told the next morning she had terminal lung cancer. I could not be with her when she was told this which upset me greatly. After they called me and told me i called her in ICU and she told me she was dying. My heart broke into a thousand pieces hearing her say that. They wanted to do a biopsy as we were willing to try treatment if possible to extend her life. Upon having the biopsy we were told by the pulmanologist that she had the worst case of lung cancer she had ever seen. She also had to be put on a ventilator due to trauma from the biopsy. They were able to remove the ventilator the next day (4/24). All 5 days i could only communicate over the phone. She would tell me she could not breathe and was hurting badly in her back and ribs. After removing the ventilator her breathing got bad again and we had to tell them if we wanted her vented again. We said no way knowing what that meant. She was tired of fighting and of being sick for 10 years. I know she only did it because she did not want to leave me. Now she was ready to go and it crushed my soul. They finally let me come be with her. She was too ill to come home so we had to do in hospital hospice. She was moved from icu on 4/27 to a hospice room. I went home and got my clothes expecting to stay there with her for maybe weeks. On the morning of 4/28 she woke up barely able to breathe and having panic attacks that caused her bp to go to 250/135. She was also in horrible pain. I broke down into a crying mess even though i was trying to be strong for her. They gave her iv dilaudid and anxiety meds which calmed her down. She could still talk ok and we spent the day telling each other in the most open honest way what we meant to each other. It meant the world to me that we were able to confirm in every way our deep love for each other that day. I played Color My World on my phone a song we had played for our wedding. Later that afternoon her breathing got really bad and she started panicking again. I begged them to give her more anxiety meds and that calmed her down. I got on the bed with her and cuddled and whispered my love for her into her ear as her breathing got slower and finally stopped. OMG she was and is gone and my life is over.
I just had to tell this to someone. I am crushed beyond repair. Thanks for having a place like this.

Hi. paul02085. Welcome. What a tragic story. My heart goes out to you as will everyone here. It’s heart breaking and so final. Going through the process of such pain is so hard to bear and at the moment I doubt any words of comfort will help. Life can be so unfair, and people we love who may have done no harm are taken from us in the most cruel way. There is no answer as to why, and it’s best not to try and find one. I’m glad you came here because you will find so much empathy and kindness.
The experience of watching someone we love deteriorate before our eyes is one of life’s worse moments. I know!
You will get more replies and I do hope you derive some little comfort from them. Everyone here knows about bereavement.
Now I hope it is not too early to say this, but try not to think your life is over. It’s a hard road this grief, very hard, but we do somehow survive, which I am sure your dear wife would have wanted. Come back and talk whenever you want.
Take care of yourself and try to be kind to yourself. Blessings.

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Jonathan.
Thank u so much for your words of encouragement. I am in a dark place. I feel weak coming on here saying these things but for some reason i have to do it. My life these last 10 yrs had been more or less devoted to taking care of my sweet Deb and now i have nothing. Anyway i thank you for taking the time to read about my wife and for offering encouragement to me.

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Hi. Paul. ‘Weak’!! on the contrary it requires strength and courage to come on here. I too at first hesitated because I felt I could cope on my own. ‘Going it alone’ is not an option. Admitting we need help is essential. This is why counselling with a bereavement counsellor can help a lot. You are surely in a dark place. That dark place will be there for while. Yes, for a while. but we do emerge. Nothing will ever be the same, of course not, how could it be?
But keeping an eye on that very dim little light far off, which will eventually get brighter, can ease the pain a little. Just a little at first. Take care.

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What a sad story Paul. Thank you for sharing it with us. Sometimes it can help just by writing it all down, it can bring a little relief. I am truly sorry for your loss. Explore this site, you will find conversations which you will relate to. We all have a different story to tell but we are all suffering the agonising pain of loss. It’s surprising how much comfort can be found in knowing we are not alone in our grief. Please don’t think you’re weak by reaching out, in fact you’re far from it. It takes courage and strength to do just that. Take care Paul. Sending you love and understanding. x

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Dear Paul,
Thank you for sharing this moving story of your wife’s last days with us. I am so sorry for you loss. It is obvious how much you loved each other and how devastated you are that she is no longer with you. It must have been so hard for you to see her struggle to breathe. It must have been such a comfort for her that you could be together in her final hours. I hope that in time the memories of the horrible moments will fade, and that the many happy memories you no doubt have will take over and comfort you. Wishing you strength at this difficult time.
Jo

Thank you Jonathan, Kate and Jo for your kindness.
For some reason all i want to do all day is read about other people who have lost their spouses. I have no interest in watching tv (that is basically all my wife and i did and i loved it but not now). I just want to sit on the couch and read about people who have suffered what i am suffering. My neighbors and few friends are really being helpful and i am very appreciative of them, They ask me to do things with them constantly and cook dinner for me every night!! It means a tremendous amount to me that i have found a place like this that i can come to and talk about my pain since i do not want to keep bothering my friends with my constant sorrow. Thanks again and i look forward to getting to know you all over time,

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Dear Paul, Your devotion and love for your wife is very encouraging to hear. I am very sorry that you had to face this loss. I too have lost a very lovely wife as well. I definitely can sympathize and grieve with you. Your story brought tears to my eyes as I read about the ordeal you and your wife went thru. I hope you will know that there are many others that can identify with you – we’ve been there too. Let us know how you’re doing. Take care of yourself in the meantime.
Herb

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