I’m 18 weeks in. People think you should be over the death of a loved one. They say " Cheer up it may never happen " Another one is smile. Insensitive or what. I don’t want to be unhappy or upset. None of us do. Another one is people telling me when they are going on holiday. We had 3 holidays booked and I had to cancel them. Lost some of the money also. The better weather makes it worse. We would’ve been playing in the garden. Now it’s a massive chore as its such a big garden.
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So wrong for people to make inappropriate comments, people move on whilst you go backwards. I can only tolerate people for a certain amount of time then I have to go home and be real. Other people’s dramas and problems seem insignificant and I just think really? Think yourself lucky. So hard and I am finding it’s getting harder as the time passes not easier. I am 10 months on from my husband dying. I too look out at the garden and think oh no, I’m going to have to do that on my own.
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Hi,
I know what you mean, people can be so insensitive. This is your grief journey, & no-one has the right to tell you how to feel, or when it’s time to move forward, only you can decide that. Grief is hard enough without people telling us how to feel. I also think not acknowledging our feelings can do us more harm in the long run. Whether other people like it or not, we are entitled to our grief, we can cry if we feel the need to let it out, & we don’t need their approval to do so. Sending hugs of support.
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So nice to read your texts. I’ve gone coffee with 2 “friends’ today. All they talked about was their planned holidays and niggling things that are happening to them. Ok I’m 17 months after losing my husband who I had known for 56 years. I just wanted to scream at them and come home. Am I being completely unreasonable xxx
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I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I always thought I would go first being a bit older than my husband. It’s been a poor day today. I just wish he was here. No amount of company can compensate.
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Yes I agree nothing compensates for losing the love of your life. The only comfort I get is talking to couple of widowed friends or being on this site
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You are not being unreasonable i feel just like you my relatives sit there laughing and joking making plans about where their going next and i feel envious and alone and want to cry. I think unless you have experienced the loss of your partner as we have they just don’t get how we feel x
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Thank you everyone for your support this evening xx
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Yes, people can be very insensitive. Eighteen weeks is no time to ‘move on’ from losing someone you loved. Nor is eighteen months, for that matter. I’m just into the third year after suddenly losing my partner. My life is not as bad as it was in the first year but I still get chronic loneliness and just break down sometimes. Only someone who has been through it understands the emotional turmoil as well as all the practical problems that come with unexpectedly being left on your own. I hope you are able to cope.
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hi i too lost my husband ten months ago we had been together 48 years and married for 47 i dont think that people mean to be insensitive because as we all know till you have lost somebody you can only say to others sorry for your loss and their lives go on as per normal but for us and everybody who has lost a loved one we know just how hard it is
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Our journey is our journey and people think we should move on thats Their thoughts not ours we need to do what we want to . I lost my wife in feb l have friends who want me to go to spain . I have 2 westie doggies who are more supportive.l am not leaving them in a kennel . Although the most sensible lady is my cousin she said bring the dogs with you to Hythe in kent for a week . She lost her hubby last year l am 80 and she is 76 l think l may take her up on it nice walks and sea air is good ken oxford
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Tell them I’m sorry but I’m feeling emotional today that might get them talking about something else xx
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No!! They have no idea.
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I could have written this post. Yes, I can only tolerate people for a limited time and then I have to go home. The menial and minor things that irritate people is a nothing burger compared to what we have to endure.
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I understand because I would feel the same.
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You are definitely not being unreasonable. You do have to remember that the grief isnt theirs.
Its not their life thats been turned upside down.
They are making the same small talk they always did, its our situation thats changed, not theirs.
I think, in a way, its a good thing that friends treat us as people and not as bereaved people.
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Some people are just so insensitive sometimes- maybe it’s just ignorance or they just don’t know how to express themselves. I go out now to the pub on Saturdays where I know most people there- my friends don’t say a lot because they know it still upsets me but they come up and give me a hug or a kiss and that just says it all. Yesterday someone asked where my hubby was and obviously I had to say he died- it was quite funny seeing him squirm but obviously I said all the right things to make him less uncomfortable lol. Going out is always a godsend for me to be around such lovely people who understand but don’t push it xx
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I think your right sometimes people just don’t know what to say they feel they need to say something it’s good you are getting out and seeing people i try to go out as much as i can hate being home on my own so quiet and lonely x
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That is so insensitive especially the phrase they used, I am shocked! I’m not surprised you are hurt by that comment. When my partner died in September last year a work colleague said ‘I bet you’re relieved’ because our relationship was pretty toxic due to his drinking. When he was admitted to hospital I spent 3 weeks at his bedside watching him deteriorate, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through. Some people really don’t think! There is no timeline for grieving, I have good days and bad days. I felt worse after 5 months and also less people check in on you to see how you are, they think you are ok. Mother’s Day surprisingly set me off yesterday as I felt sad for his Mum and also for my children. Without him I wouldn’t have been their Mum. Take good care of yourself and don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel x
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Been six months for me pain doesn’t get any less been round a friends for coffee this morning but coming back home is the worst hits me that he’s no longer here tears start. Like you say to start with friends and relatives dropped in and stayed for a while but that’s stopped now suppose they think should be fine now until it happens to them they’ve no idea how lonely and painful it is i. We were married 50 years it’s like half of me has gone too x
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