Very sorry if I ramble, a new poster here.
I lost my Mum on New Year’s Day, I had cared for her for quite some time previous to this, we knew it was an inevitability, but her condition worsened, she went into hospital and didn’t come home again.
Since then I’ve had to go through my family home. My Dad & sister passed away 10 years ago and my mum felt comforted by having so much of there things around her.
It’s been so very difficult going through everything with some support but I hate the empty house, I still have to go to check all is well, and waiting for it to sell is agonising. Some times being in the house physically hurts, which sounds ridiculous.
There were so many memories and things in there I wanted to keep, I have such limited space. I’ve tried to be true to my parents and sisters memories, and trying to get some items to their rightful place, donating to causes that were held close to them, sending pieces to museums. My dad wrote so much about his National service and career and there is so much it’s quite overwhelming and a little intrusive at times.
I try to talk to others but I have had lots of people tell me I should be over this by now as it’s nearly been a year, I’m not sure anyone ever gets over losing such important people in their lives. I have been told I’m lucky now I have more time on my hands to do things I wanted to do, but I can’t bring myself to even clean the house some days. I don’t know how everything was kept on top before.
Each emotion is so difficult to navigate, and times when it was so difficult to look after Mum I look back on and feel guilty I was tired or didn’t spend more time with her.
I work in a caring profession and come across people who have suffered loss, I have to use every ounce of strength to hold myself together in those situations so they can have a strong person listen to them, and then sit in my car and cry until I have to be with the next patient.
I miss them all so much, and I don’t know when I will get to a point I don’t fell so deeply sad most of the time. I have to keep going for my daughter, and be there for her too, and o keep working to pay the bills,
I just don’t know how to be over it.
Very sorry if I ramble, a new poster here.
I think sometimes people want us to be ok, because it makes them feel less awkward especially around death. We never really know what to say to people and end up coming out with the usual plaudits it’s only when you suffer from something like a close bereavement that you can understand that sometimes there isn’t much that can be said. And what’s also really thoughtless and useless to say… (Now there’s a ramble!)
People telling you or thinking you should be over it by now, clearly haven’t had the misfortune of living it! Have you tried counselling? Maybe someone not there to judge how you should or shouldn’t be feeling.
Recently clearing all the things from the house is going to have brought on these overwhelming memories and feelings, it just opens up the old wounds on top of the newest one. My heart goes out to you,using this forum can be really helpful.Just knowing we’re all here to listen (and hopefully give you support and advice)
I’ve heard of so many people who manage in their job only to get in their car or home at the end of the day and just cry, you’re definitely not alone in that. I’ve not yet gone back to work, but have cried in my car so many times after visiting friends/family it’s a safe place these days!
I really hope someone comes along on here with some helpful advice for you, keep posting (and don’t apologise for rambling….you didn’t, and you’ve got to get it all out!)
Thank you for your kind words, I feel I don’t hear much of that just lately. I think you’re right maybe it’s from a place where people want us to be ok, and to stop hurting, but it doesn’t always sound like that.
I have had some counselling through work but I’m not so sure it’s helpful at present.
I hope that this forum will be helpful, and indeed I can see it is a kind place to be.
Hi @Bod1 I really can empathise with what you’re going through. My Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in January, two weeks after her 80th birthday. The shock was immense, especially when we discovered that she had undiagnosed metastatic pancreatic cancer. I’ve agonised over her last months because we never realised she was ill and neither did she, but she must have been hiding her pain. Her house was full of family stuff, belonging to my late Dad and other relatives from the past. It was a very hard job going through it all and clearing the house ready for the sales market. I too, have had to regularly check on the house and maintain the garden. Every visit has been a torture! The grief has been overwhelming for me, with good days and terrible days, even though I know my Mum wouldn’t want me to suffer. There really is no getting over such loss but I know in time I will be able to manage it better. I think I’ll need the house sale to be completed before I can even begin to feel less stressed, plus the DWP are taking a long time to investigate my Mum’s eligibility to her pension credit. Another aspect that is making my grief even more distressing! Please know you’re definitely not alone. There’s so many of us trying to cope with such hard times. Take care xx