So here I am at 5.40 a.m wondering how to deal with these feelings. You know the ones, I should have done this or that.
I feel like I should have done more for my Mum before she passed away. Spent more time with her, got her out of the house more, attended more to her home comforts. It’s all of those things that would have maybe made things better. Should have cooked her a meal more often, (she didn’t eat well for various reasons) but I was often just finishing work. Could have taken her out more, but she had mobility/continence problems and I don’t drive either. I would have talked to her more, about good times, and spent more quality time with her, but each time I went she was so bothered by her own various problems that it all came pouring out repeatedly and in a confusing way. You couldn’t always make sense of what she was saying. It was Iike she had so much to say it all came out together. Her medications muddled her up but there was no dementia, she was sharp as a tack, something I am so grateful for. And the big one…I should have been there at the hospital when she passed. I wasn’t. She was on morphine because she was so agitated and struggling to breathe with pneumonia and heart failure. We’d all been there on and off for two days prior, taking it in turns to be with her. We managed to get the hospital chaplain for her too. It was really difficult as there as no side room for her, she was in a ward of six patients so no privacy. We were the last to leave that evening, I didn’t want to but we’d been there all day. I just knew that when we’d gone, she’d pass away. And at some point in the early hours, she did. Now I don’t know if anyone was with her, whether she was still on that ward or in a private room, whether either of those is good or bad. So many things you forget to ask, as hospital staff are busy, (and I can’t fault them at all, they were so attentive with her)but now want to know. There’s nothing you can do about all of these things now so
why do we torment ourselves with all these thoughts? Sorry to ramble on…
I am afraid i think it’s part of grief the guilt, the what if. I went through a stage of looking at my wifes pictures, not for happy memories, but looking for what i missed. Could i have seen the cancer earlier. The night i lost Sue i relive every Friday. I have been told i have nothing to feel guilty about,by a doctor,counsellor and other people, but telling them to turn off the machines will haunt me till i die. What if ?
Sorry for your loss.
I’ve just had a similar conversation with a bereavement counsellor and she advised me not to beat myself up with these sort of thoughts.
I did as much as I could and so did you.
You take care 
Night wish 1
I agree with you there. I kind of think it’s human nature and is so much worse during a bereavement. I also beat myself up about not noticing my Mum was ill. If I had, she would have been in hospital longer probably with the same result. Was it better that she was at home on her own longer? I can’t say yes or no to that either. I’m so sorry you had to make the decision you did, but remember it came from love for her too.
Thank you @Johnr
Mum passed at the beginning of April so I guess its still the early weeks, I think we all learn to forgive(?) ourselves in time. I just keep thinking that she knew I loved her. Best wishes to you
Hi Jessmina,
I just read your post and thought I would let you know I felt exactly the same two years ago. I did everything for my mum and was always with her. We did everything together and I was with her when she passed. But I still questioned why I hadn’t spent more time with her even though there was no way possible I could have as we were literally joined at the hip so to speak.
It’s the grief doing all this to you. You did everything you could possibly have done for your mum so hold your head up and be proud of yourself. Someone told me that at the beginning but I couldn’t see it. Now after two years I do. So just want you to know those feelings do ease a little as your grief journey continues. It’s such early days yet so be kind to yourself.
It’s now time to put yourself and your own wellbeing first. Eat, rest, reflect and find ways of coping through this horrible grief time.
Put yourself first.
You will get a little stronger as you manoeuvre through it all.
Here anytime for you
Deborah
Hi Seychelles
Thank you so much for your response, it puts things in a better perspective to know that you were feeling the same despite spending so much time with your Mum. My Mum was 88 and had battled her way through so many things including losing her parents and her husband within about ten months. She was 46 then and because she had spent so long on her own, with not a lot of support, I feel like she’s had so little during her lifetime. She had depression and anxiety all her life too, so I guess we try to compensate for things our parent missed out on and if it all falls through, then beat ourselves up about it. And so it continues in a different form when they pass away.
It’s a huge learning curve, this bereavement is so very different from the overwhelming one that was my Dads, but still has it’s own set of difficulties. While it’s still quite fresh I kind of feel like a 64 year old child not knowing what to do! And I’m so sorry you have been and are still living this situation too.
I’m so very grateful for your kind words, they’ve really helped.
With love J
Hi Jessmina,
I am also in my 60’s and my mum passed in Dec 2022 aged 89. She had a hard life. Her mum died on childbirth and her dad of Tb when she was 2yrs. She was brought up by her grandparents in such a loving home but times were as you can imagine tough to say the least. She left school at 14 and went to be a nanny for the village vicar’s baby but meant leaving her small Welsh village and working in Mid Wales. Must have been a huge wrench. I cannot even image going through all that.
My father died aged 63 so for the past 26 yrs I helped her with everything so we were very close.
I think that feelings of guilt in so many ways are what happens to make us feel even worse than we could possibly feel. I think we try to find something to beat ourselves up about and then our minds go back to all sorts of places and we over think everything. Night time is the worse for me when I wake and immediately think of things I should have done. So now I put strategies into place and get up immediately and find something to do. Watering houseplants, ironing dusting at 4 am is no one’s idea of fun but it has helped me refocus.
Just remember that whatever decision you made for yourself or your mum at the time was made bec you felt it was the right decision and made out of love. There was nothing else you could have done.
I could write lists of I should have done more for my mum. I could have taken her on holiday more, to the cinema more, out for meals more, to church more and so on. The most important thing is you were there for her and that doesn’t always mean being there physically but at the end of a phone or she knew she would see you when you called next. Spending time with someone especially an elderly person is far more valuable than going places. So I hope what I have written helps you. I honest felt like you 2 yrs ago. Couldn’t get past it at all. But you will see things differently. It’s not time that does that but the fact you go through all the emotions of grief and start seeing everything in a different light and you focus more on what you did do and not what you didn’t do. Gosh hope this all makes sense.
Set yourself daily targets. Just one or two then build up. Simple things that you can realistically achieve. In the beginning one of mine was making myself a cup of tea. Can you believe I couldn’t even do that because of the state I was in.
It’s very hard losing an elderly parent. You know it’s going to happen sometime and I always felt on borrowed time. When it happens it’s still a massive shock.
But they would want us to survive it and cope somehow.
Sending love to you
Deborah
Seychelles, wow, your words are ringing through here so clearly.
Everything you mention makes sense. I do take a little comfort from the fact that even if I couldn’t be there physically with her, I was mostly the one she rang when she needed to talk and offload. She knew I think, that out of her children, I was the one that simply listened, non-judgementally, without offering solutions to her problems (they couldn’t really be solved). She just needed to pass things on and get it out of her head. So I do think that’s a positive thing, though of course you need to look after yourself too, which is probably why I didn’t visit so much. Being a mental support to someone can be very hard. But of course that’s the bit you beat yourself up about, shelving all the positive things you did.
It sounds like we have quite a bit in common, life was tough for so many people back then, and your comment reminded me of my Nanna, how also left home when she was about 14 and went into service, gradually moving further and further away and ending up in Brighton, so many miles away from home and her own mother. She never saw her for years. However did they cope when faced with bereavement, grief, and all these other issues we struggle to cope with? They were made of stern stuff back then and we seem so sheltered at times.
I had a chuckle at you getting up and dusting in the wee small hours…that’s the sort of thing I would do, I was up the other morning and went out for a walk with my camera… Distraction is sometimes the best thing. I was so busy sorting things at first at didn’t seem to have time to cry or feel sad. It does creep in at times, but like I say, a totally different kind of grieving, then of course you feel guilty for not crying or feeling like you should be.
Everyone’s grief is different though.
Thank you for reaching out to me, you and the others who have responded have lifted my mood no end today.
With love to you, J
Hi Jessmina
Hi Jessmina,
Apologies I posted before finishing
Well I am really glad you had a chuckle. Yes I have the best houseplants ever !!
I also made a memory table in my lounge veith a photo of mum ,flowers candle cross and a favourite something if hers I needed a go to place and in the night it became so special as I felt it was just her and me.
I kept it until approx 3 months ago.
Another thing I do is carry a very funny if mum in my pocket when I go out so if I feel like bursting into tears I look at the photo and it stops me in my tracks and I smile. Been caught out so many times in the disked of Tesco that I had to have something.
Yes they truly had a hard tough life in those days. It is a wonderful how they ever survived.
Didn’t even have NHS. Must have been so frightening.
I am so glad you have gained so much support from this site today. The site was my lifeline and I was addicted to it in the beginning. I feel it saved me. Waking up hoping there would be a reply from anyone was the norm. Night times were so lonely that I would write on here so much. It helped me and gradually I got stronger. I really don’t know what I would have done without it.
Anytime you would like to pm me feel free to do so.
Deborah
Seychelles, thank you so much, I certainly will bear pm’ing (is that even a word?) you in mind.
I have some of my Mums clothing here, couldn’t bear to get rid of it all. I have a particular top that I keep near my bed, it’s my comfort blanket! See, I really am a child in my 60’s!
Carrying a photo is a lovely idea too.
I think everyone needs that lifeline at times, and I do find that waking up in the night, when I can’t get back to sleep, is the time when I do my best writing!
I did write Mum a letter too, telling her everything I could think of at the time, and I had it placed in with her. That was quite comforting when I hadn’t been there when she passed.
Perhaps I might start a journal or even write down some of her memoirs.
That would be very therapeutic I think.
Take good care of yourself
With love, J
I’m sorry for your loss and let me assure you, what you are feeling is a natural part of grieving and eventually, the guilt will pass.
We all tend to forget the stresses of running up and down to hospital, when a loved one is seriously ill. Its a good thing you had family members sharing the visits.
Your mum knew all that you did and all that she meant to you. The guilt will pass and you will realise that you did everything you possibly could.
Plantman
Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. I think some days are better than others, and I try to tell myself feeling guilty won’t change anything.
I’m sure Mum knew I did my best too. We should probably try and focus more on the things we did manage to do and not what we didn’t. Human nature is a fickle creature.
Sending best wishes to you,
With love, J
Hi Jessmina,
I wrote a letter for my mum too. I put it in with her with some red roses.
I also wrote down some of the things mum said when she was in hospital and although very heartbreaking I feel I have them and they are something I can turn to when I need to.
I kept almost all of mums clothes and I wera so many of them She was very young at heart so even though she was 89 I felt she had a real flair for fashion. I love wearing her cardigans , jumpers and tops. I have even worn some dresses of hers. And I use some of her handbags. I think she would be so happy I am using them.
I even tried using her lipstick but it really didnt suit me and i could sense her in fits of giggles telling me to wash it off.
We will know when the time is right to part with some things.
Yes start your journal as it will be a lovely thing to do.
Love Deborah x
Hi Seychelles,
Yes, writing things down is definitely a good way of getting those feelings out.
I used to tell Mum to use that method of venting when she was feeling frustrated and angry with things or herself. And that she could rip her written thoughts to shreds afterwards if she wanted. She used that quite a lot, it has a power all of its own, but it’s quite disconcerting now to suddenly come across something she’d forgotten about.
In another way though, at least I have samples of her handwriting to keep, along with a few cards.
It’s very difficult to keep as much as you would like to. It’s really lovely that you were able to keep and use so many of your mothers things.
At first we need these physical connections don’t we, but will indeed know when it is the right time to let them go.
A lot of my Mums things had to just be given away. She’d lived in a council bungalow so there was an awful lot of pressure to get the place emptied in time. We had a month, but when you have work and other commitments it doesn’t seem long enough.
It’s funny though, at first I couldn’t remember Mum’s voice, but could see her face, but now I have recall of both and can often hear her saying to me
’ Don’t you worry about me, I’m okay, I really am, and you will be too’
With love, J
I have the same thoughts. Should i have got help earlier for my mum.
I feel guitly as i didnt visit the sunday before she passed but i had a migriane and i didnt know she was going to pass. I saw her the thursday before and she knew i hated travelling and she said it must of been hard for you to get here. My brother took me, i dont drive either. My brother lives miles away and is protecting me, not telling me what she died of, not the whole picture. I torment myself with guilt but my mum wouldnt want me to. My cousins havent visited me since my mum passed.
Sorry please dont torment yourself and i’ll try not to torment myself
Take care
Hi Titch3
Feel for you too.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? Showing us where we could have been perfect, but the truth is none of us are perfect. It just takes us some time to reconcile ourselves to just doing our best. I’m beginning to see this now with the help of people on here.
I used to go on the bus every week to see my Mum, but it worried her a lot to think I was spending a lot of my time travelling (not too far, but two buses and had to change part way). She thought I was spending too much money getting there too. In a lot of ways she didn’t like to think that people were making too much effort to go, she didn’t want to be a burden.
But you do these things because you want to and out of love mostly, hard though it is at times, in the same way you would for your children if you have them. And we don’t get it right with them all the time either.
Families don’t need or want us to be perfect, it’s just us that feel we SHOULD have done it better.
But maybe we could help ourselves more if we remembered there is no guide book to life or death and we really only have one chance at it.
Keep telling yourself you did your best, I am.
And our best really is good enough, we’re just not accepting it fully yet.
Look after yourself…
Love J
Oh i needed to see this today. My granddad is so poorly in hospital and unlikely to make it. And all i keep thinking about is how i forgot to message him on his birthday this year. My partners dad had just died and we were barely surfacing from that.
I know my granddad knows how much i love him and i know mum will have written my name on the family card to him but i can’t stop beating myself up.
It is so hard.
Aww Jessmina,
A month is such a short time. So hard.
It’s the little things they said that have such a huge impact now. Treasure those words for ever.
Love Deborah