I set up small box with water fruit candy hand sanitizer chocolate for anyone who Did deliver or serve my needs. Last year. All they had to do was follow directions and many did that. I have given back so much. In one year: Cases of water and apples, trail mix, rolls of candy, tangerines, throat drops, sport drinks, jerky, popcorn, sodas… I’m helping my helpers. It’s hard to see the things that work when everything feels broken. Every taxi gets a beverage a handful of munchies and a tip. I dust that station and stock that very well even when I feel I can’t manage. Someone said they are diabetic so I got sugar free drinks which I didn’t think of before. This is all my idea without restraint now. Cold coffee, chocolate, water, and fruit are favorites now. I want to be a spot of pleasant in someone’s day. I am grateful and giving helps me remember to be. I also sneak some treats when I feel not able to love myself. I sit on the stoop and see things differently in that moment.
My husband was a cold man and yet he loved and loves me. No one will replace him and I did not realize how much he sheltered me. I think and sense I will love him even more once I grow into his legacy. He didn’t appreciate himself very well I want to change that. He planted over 100 trees in his lifetime by hand for no reason other than being aware of life. I’m looking forward for the immediacy to reduce. I mailed all our family documents to the heritage society today as well. The broken glass is still on the floor and I don’t care I didn’t realize the hurdles would be bizarre and hidden. He was upset over a family relationship and went crazy when I started sorting the documents. He was right but I wanted that stuff out of our house. And it was my child that caused it and I was done with all of it. It was too much for him, and he had other setbacks at that time. It cannot be too much for me and I got some much needed and very late clarity today.