Shutting down grief

Losing a child
1

Hi, I’m Jen and I lost my beautiful 3 year old boy last year to a brain haemorrhage. It was very sudden and my husband and I were left devastated. We have 2 daughters, one that my son adored and one he never got to meet.

1 year and 3 months on, my husband and I are so different. My husband wears his heart on his sleeve and struggles. He is open with his feelings, has little motivation and has worked little since our son passed which has put financial strain on the family.

With 2 daughters under the age of 2 I’ve had to function and get up for them as well as try and work from home where I can but it’s been incredibly difficult.

Feeling like the stronger parent, I feel like I’ve had to put my grief on hold, almost shut it down in order to function and get on with the day to day for my girls. 7 months after losing my son, my dad passed away unexpectedly. My dad looked after my mum so she never had to worry about anything and so I then organised my dad’s funeral and now look after all my mum’s affairs and have moved her near me so I can help look after her.

All of this has put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband as we have little capacity for any stress.

I find myself in such a strange place. Numb. Emotionless. I feel nothing. I want to be a grieving heap on the floor. I want to crumble. But my body won’t allow me. I feel cold and clinical. I feel like an emotionless robot and I’m scared one day grief will hit me so hard I won’t be able to get up again.

We have couples bereavement counselling and we’re talking through a lot at the moment but it seems to be an awful lot about my anxieties and how I have heightened anxieties which are putting pressure on my husband and I know they are. I just want him to be able to function and be normal but of course he can’t, the worst thing ever has happened to us.

I’d just appreciate to hear if anyone has felt the same and how they cope.

Is this numb, cold, emotionless feeling just a phase. How can I allow myself to grieve?

I read Prince Harry’s article and I feel I bury my head too. Life is so busy that there’s no chance for me to think about my son. I look at his pictures and think, did this really happen? Did I really have a gorgeous boy who was taken so cruelly away from me. And then I shut it down in order to block out all the traumatic events of the day I lost him.

Sorry for such a long post.

Jen
Xx

2

Hi Jen not sure if this will help but my partner recently lost his dad and his mom 4 years ago what you described this numb emotionaless is exactly what he is doing he says he loves me but it’s not the same and he doesn’t know if he wants me I am presently at breaking point I have arranged councilling as he doesn’t appear to want to help himself I’m so lost and have cried everyday I feel I have lost everything x

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Kal, I feel so numb and cold and I too have wondered what I want. But I know I still love my husband deep down but I can feel a real emotional disconnnection. Like my emotions have checked out. I think we do this in trauma. Counselling is definitely the way to go to delve into this disconnection. Try and go together. It won’t be easy and it’ll unravel things you may not want to know for the both of you but once you get to the root of the cause, only then can you try and work at them, heal the pain and move forward. xxx

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Thank you for this it has helped it’s a shame it’s being going on for weeks now I have been advised to confront what he is actually doing to me but it may just push him further away I’m so confused as to how to help him xx

5

Hi Jen

We lost our first healthy baby girl to septicaemia meningitis. Amber Rose was 4 wks and 6 days old. She was growing putting on weight and just like that she was on life support dying.

6 days we spent in the paediatric ICU
On the 6th day we had to switch her life support off and watch her die.

Totally changed me and my husband as the people we were.

The numbness and the void is normal for now I think that’s how our bodies and minds deal with trauma but our baby died in 2006 and my husband is like urs wears his heart on his sleeve very sensitive can cry for nothing but he is very distant and detached from the family.

We had 3 more children after Amber Rose so like u I had to put my grief on hold and. S the responsible parent.

We r also having bereavement councelling and I’m hoping this void and numbness will go away and we can start living again and not just existing.

I hope things get better for u soon xxxx

1 Like
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Hi Jen

My partner and I lost our baby boy on the 13 March to Meningitis, he was 14 months old. Thankfully for now we can lean on each other to get through the day or eithen minute by minute.

I do worry for the future for us though, if we, like yourself’s take slightly different paths with our grief. We’ve already arranged some bereavement counciling for us. I miss him so much it hurts to breath and I know my partner feels the same. I guess one day, maybe soon, we’ll feel different from each other and have to respect the others disposition…I don’t know easy that’s going to be.

Reggie was/is our first and only child and we always planned to give him a sibling around this time…I’m not to sure if that will happen this year now, it doesn’t seem right to do so. Like you say maybe we should give ourselves time to grieve, we’re probably not fit to look after a child right now.

I guess it’s very early days for us…

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Hi there
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of Reggie. We lost our first baby girl to septicaemia meningitis when Amber was only 4 wks 6 days old. Amber was a healthy baby growing putting on weight and just like that one day she woke up screaming and throwing up and that was it. The nightmare began.

Don’t worry so much about your future, about what paths u and ur husband will take. Just try to take it day by day.

We rushed and had another baby 2 years after Amber died. We both couldn’t bear the quiet house I just wanted to hold another baby but I feel looking back we should of dealt with our grief first and got to a better place before having another child…

When I feel pregnant the worry about what would happen our next child overwhelmed us and we became a very anxious family. Everytime a child got sick our anxiety was elevated so high I remember my Mum used to cry watching us.

Take ur time let urselves grieve for Reggie u will both know when ur ready.

Big big hugs
Love Anna

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Thank you Anna x.