Hi, I’m Jen and I lost my beautiful 3 year old boy last year to a brain haemorrhage. It was very sudden and my husband and I were left devastated. We have 2 daughters, one that my son adored and one he never got to meet.
1 year and 3 months on, my husband and I are so different. My husband wears his heart on his sleeve and struggles. He is open with his feelings, has little motivation and has worked little since our son passed which has put financial strain on the family.
With 2 daughters under the age of 2 I’ve had to function and get up for them as well as try and work from home where I can but it’s been incredibly difficult.
Feeling like the stronger parent, I feel like I’ve had to put my grief on hold, almost shut it down in order to function and get on with the day to day for my girls. 7 months after losing my son, my dad passed away unexpectedly. My dad looked after my mum so she never had to worry about anything and so I then organised my dad’s funeral and now look after all my mum’s affairs and have moved her near me so I can help look after her.
All of this has put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband as we have little capacity for any stress.
I find myself in such a strange place. Numb. Emotionless. I feel nothing. I want to be a grieving heap on the floor. I want to crumble. But my body won’t allow me. I feel cold and clinical. I feel like an emotionless robot and I’m scared one day grief will hit me so hard I won’t be able to get up again.
We have couples bereavement counselling and we’re talking through a lot at the moment but it seems to be an awful lot about my anxieties and how I have heightened anxieties which are putting pressure on my husband and I know they are. I just want him to be able to function and be normal but of course he can’t, the worst thing ever has happened to us.
I’d just appreciate to hear if anyone has felt the same and how they cope.
Is this numb, cold, emotionless feeling just a phase. How can I allow myself to grieve?
I read Prince Harry’s article and I feel I bury my head too. Life is so busy that there’s no chance for me to think about my son. I look at his pictures and think, did this really happen? Did I really have a gorgeous boy who was taken so cruelly away from me. And then I shut it down in order to block out all the traumatic events of the day I lost him.
Sorry for such a long post.