Over two years ago my mum died suddenly after over a decade of pain from arthritis in her legs, she had been prescribed a painkiller that used to be a former anti depressant to try and help with the nerve pain but it ended up resulting in her death when it built up in her system a few months after it was prescribed and she was dead in minutes.
Her death was a shock, still is, she was such a loving, supportive, talented mum who loved her family and her grandchildren. Since her death my dad’s behaviour has been frankly horrible and harmful, he’s pushed us all away and I’ve been doing the best I can to manage alone as my brother and sister are both busy with their own families and work, being disabled and deemed unfit for the work place means my life is a very lonely one with minimal to no social interaction.
Since her death and the shock it left I’ve found the silence following her death to be so overwhelming, no amount of noise can ever drown it out. I’ve been treated quite badly by others as well with remarks like ‘Get over it already, move on’ from my dad and many others. I can’t ‘get over it and move on’, it’s not possible.
Almost two months ago a former friend who caused me some nasty emotional and physical harm almost four months ago, and as it turned out was emotionally and finanically abusing and manipulating me for months, invoked my mum against me when I had to press the issue about money they owe me. They also threatened me and treated me horribly for doing my civic duty after their partner had forced an ultimatium on me a year prior to not call child protection on them otherwise they would never forgive me nor be friends.
I found out why they didn’t want CPS being called on them and did my civic duty out of concern for their child’s safety and to hopefully ensure that the parents get the help they clearly need, they think I’m evil for doing what I had to do. I placed their child’s safety and wellbeing first and foremost despite the cost to myself. My mum would have supported my actions as she had taught me a strong morality and an understanding of my civic duties.
When my mum was invoked against me just as the second year mark of her death was coming up it cut deeply, invoking her as they did was a very manipulative and cruel thing to do. My mum was all I had when it came to anyone who ever cared about my existing for over forty years, she was a massive part of my life before I was even born. Losing her was and still is a shock that I can’t find the words for and having her invoked against me by someone I had cared about and tried my hardest to help and support only to end up severely hurt as a ‘thank you’ has cut deep.
The silence is so loud, the pain is so deep and every day is another reminder of what’s been lost and how much she meant to her family. I’ve seen it said that grief is an abundance of love with nowhere to go, pretty apt.
Grief truly is an abundance of love with nowhere to go.