Hello
I’m sure my partner who I don’t live with is suffering from silent grief. I’m suffering with my own grief as it is
How do you get your. Partner to open up when they are not willing to?
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Hi @Steven
Quite simply, you can’t make someone open up before they feel ready to, but what you can do is be patient, talk to them about how you feel, let your partner know you are there for them, & maybe when they’re ready, your partner will open up in their own time. The worst thing anyone can do is try to be too pushy or forceful in trying to get someone to open up, this will just ultimately push them further away. I know this can be hard when you’re concerned about someone you care about, especially when your struggling with your own grief. Maybe take time out from the tension, suggest something simple like going for coffee, or a walk at a favourite place, something calm that you can do together. Hope this helps. Sending hugs of support.
@Steven speaking for myself I find it impossible to share much with my husband as I’m so deeply immersed in the grief of my son. He’s not my son’s father and comes out with the usual platitudes about how ‘it will get better’ or ‘it must hurt’, he doesn’t understand losing a child. Also my GP informs me I have ptsd from watching my son’s body break down and I can’t share that out loud with anyone. I also was raised by a parent who never did sad emotions so it’s not comfortable for me to share.
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I am sorry for your loss. I do agree to being patient with your partner. Sometimes even silence is what’s needed. Sit with them, hold their hand, hug them tight. Let them know you’re here for them. It’s difficult that you’re both grieving but you are a team, and one of you needs to be stronger than the other sometimes. Well done for sharing and sending you strength and hugs. 
Hello
Well it’s been nearly 7 years since my partner lost her mum. I seem to remember my partner showed some emotion over losing her mum it only happened for a brief period of time about few months. At the time I think I was still in a lot of shock over losing my mum. I couldn’t comprehend why my partner seemed to be acting quite cold when my mum had left me. I have to be honest I was quite angry with her I still am I just feel like walking away from my relationship of nearly 17 years. She’s so cold and comes as very uncaring while I try to show how I care but it’s going to come to the point I’ll end it with her if she continues to behave way she does. There is only so much a person can take. There is a saying the straw that broke the camels back. I love her so much but my heart is breaking
I do want us to talk about how she is feeling over her mum and I’m willing to listen I’ll do anything to be there for her so she feels she can open up to her mum but not if I’m going to be made to feel I have to deal with my own grief. She knows her mum was like a mum to me when my mum was very ill. This is not fair on me. She can’t see what her behaviour of silent grief to me. I’ve kept mg mouth shut I’ve never forced her to express her silent grief.
I don’t know how much more I can take before I walk away and maybe when I do walk away she’ll realise what her silent grief is doing to us both
To be honest I don’t know for certain she is suffering from silent grief all I get from her callous attitude is ifs time I got over losing my mum. Not a very caring way to be towards someone she says she cares about. I’m sick I of it!!!
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Hi @Steven
I can hear in your message how hurt & frustrated you are, grief is a process, & especially losing a parent is heartbreaking, especially if your close, our parents are there for so much of our lives, & they go through so much with us, No one should ever be told to “get over” their loss, & anyone going through bereavement deserves support. I can’t speak for your partners attitude, because obviously I don’t know you or her, but you need to look after yourself, & do what you think best, on the one hand, to of stayed with her for 17 years, there must of been something about eachother that kept you together for so long, but on the other hand, is there an underlying reason for her behaviour? Could it be that she’s struggling with other feelings about her grief? Could it be that your situation with your mum brings back painful memories for her of when her mom passed? Is it just the way she was taught to respond to grief by her family? Or is she in the mindset of, she just wants things to go back to normal? I see what you mean, if she won’t talk about it… I can hear that it’s a very emotionally charged situation, & grieving your loss is a very upsetting time, not the best time to make quick decisions you may regret later, maybe take some quiet time to yourself to think, & do what’s best for you.
Hi panda princess.
Thanks for your reply.
Yea I’m trying to put all this in perspective it’s troubling me why my partner behaves the way she does. I do know her better than she knows herself.
My partner has a very busy hectic life looking after her unwell and disabled dad her 5 year old granddaughter who j adore so much I want to be her grandad and she has to cope with her 30 year old daughter who is suffering intolerable mental health and my partner works nights I could go on about problems. Things in her life are affecting our non existent affectionate relationship it makes me feel I want to walk away so yeah something is keeping us together it wouid be hard for me to walk away after 17 years together
I honestly don’t know what’s keeping her from opening up all I know is partner does not seem to be grieving I do know she gets upset infront of me if we talk about her mum. I keep it together for her sake I hold back from crying when she does I do want to say to her come on we have to do this together you can’t face grief on your own. What stops me is I know what she’ll say that. I don’t want to talk about this no more. It hurts a lot
I am in a battle with my own grief I hate what it’s doing to me. My partner has got so much going on in her life that I’m tolerating not just because I love her but I respect and completely understand the situation she is in. Something did give me hope she’s talking about In her retirement she wants to live abroad I think I’d want to go with her. I just don’t know if I’m patient enough
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That sounds like a huge amount of responsibility and pressure that your partner is dealing with. None of us truly know whats going on in someones head, but i can imagine that dealing with all of that for many years has conditioned your partner that she needs to stay strong. So i can understand the prospect of opening up and letting emotions flow could risk her losing control and simply not being able to cope with all that is expected to deal with. If she has told you its too painful right now, i think you need to respect that - im sure youd want the same if your situations were reversed. You are also dealing with your own grief - do you have support aside from your partber to help you cope with that? Are you receiving any counselling or attending bereavement support groups? It sounds like your partner may not be the one to give you that support right now, as much as you would like it. If you can find other sources of support it will help you on your personal grief journey, but it may also set an example/give some hope to your partner as she sees you working through your grief. Then when she IS ready to process her emotions, you’ll be able to support her. Best of luck
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Hi ally6
Thank you for your reply
Yes I agree she’s risking losing control but she’s also risking losing me after nearly 17 years of us being together
I am not in anyway going to compel her to open up to me I don’t want her put her through it. The pain she’s going through is to much as it is. I can see it in her eyes. I do want to be her rock I’m not control of my own emotions. We have both through so much. Who’s I want her to hold me up I want do the same for her. I am at the end of my tether it’s only going to take one more thing for me to end our relationship
Because we haven’t really talked about us in a very long time I do not think she realises that what has happened to us is what it’s doing to me losing both our mums. It’s understandable that she doesn’t realise this. There is so much I want ro say to her. I don’t want to end us but she just can’t see how she’s pushing me away but maybe she does see it and it’s lack of caring. Maybe it’s me who’s overthinking it all
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Hi @Steven
It sounds like your partner has a lot on her plate right now, looking after a disabled parent, & 5 year old granddaughter sounds like a full-time job in itself, does she have any kind of carer support to help with this? Would she let you help her with this, or does she tend to think she just has to do it all herself? It’s sounding like her life is too hectic to have time to think about emotions, & maybe on some level keeping busy to avoid thinking about it. I need to be honest, I am very concerned, if she’s struggling with feelings about her mom’s passing, how much is she going to struggle when her remaining parent passes, 
it’s good that you’re there to support her, though I understand the strain it must put an you at such an emotional time.
It’s good that she’s thinking ahead to retirement though, abroad somewhere sunny would be a fresh start for you both, in the meantime, it might be a good idea to look up any kind of local support with your own grief, maybe ask your GP or citizens advice about bereavement groups or support in your area, & on this forum there’s always someone who understands. Sending hugs of support.
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Hello panda princess
No she doesn’t have a carer. It’s probably because she’s to proud to ask for help. If she did ask me I’d do what I can to help but I doubt she would ask me. We both work full time 4 days on 4 days of in my job 10 hours a day and im kind of carer to my disabled dad he’s nearly 80.
My partner has a lot on her plate with her 30 year old daughter who has severe mental problems my partner is finding it hard but is doing her best.
I’m supporting my partner financially paying her rent which I don’t like doing my partner is In a lot of debt which is being addressed through a debt payment scheme. Trouble is it’s putting more strain on my partner. I have suggested moving in but she’s not keen on it. It would make sense not to have both of us paying two lots of bills in two different homes.
I do worry about her financial situation and even about my own but I’m in a more stable position than my partner. There is nothing more I can do for her. I do believe something has to give. I do think my partner will suffer eventually her mental health will get much worse