Six Months of Living in Hell

We its been 6 months now Valentines day to be precise when I found my partner Jane slumped on the toilet whilst I was make her normal morning brew.
We had been together for 17 years working and living 24/7. We had been through a lot during that time ups and downs but it was always us against the world together we were so strong as we had each other.
I think looking back the first few weeks or so I must have been in a trance as I really do not recall much about that time apart from the intense heartbreak.

Everyone said it would easier in time well 6 months in I can tell you it does not. I think when I look back the pain was intense but it must have been numbed because it actually feels more raw today. For some reason I cannot keep thinking of what we were doing this time last year . We were so happy leaving the pub after 5 years and moving to a new house in a new town so basically a new life together on our life’s journey.
I believe I blank to the whole episode out so it does not feel real but in reality Jane is not coming back. I go to work as normal every morning and I always say out loud love you ,love you to ,drive carefully and reply out loud I always do.

I could not go to work today I have cried all day visions of her slumped on the toilet , and thought of giving her CPR knowing to well she was already dead. Six months in and I feel worse than I have ever felt. I hate my life it is just an empty void I do not care about anything in fact selfishly I would rather be dead myself.

I have tried talking to people even my daughters nobody understands what we are going through ,when you say I would rather be dead myself they immediately think your going to commit suicide , but I am certainly not that selfish and wouldn’t do that to my family.
The truth is when Jane died part of me died with her I look as my life now and compare it to a year ago then I have nothing everything has been taken from me, life dreams ,plans everything has gone forever, as I have learnt what is the point in making any plans.

Somebody told me at the weekend that everything happens for a reason well I cant wait to meet God and ask him what the reason was as I am now simply living in Hell so death cannot be any worse than this.
John

36 Likes

6½ months for me and I wrote this very morning in my diary, that dying would be much easier than living like this. This last week has been hard. It’s hard not to think about ‘this time last year’ and ‘what we should be doing now’ I’ve got a constant head ache from constantly thinking and trying to work life out.

I’ve realized that no matter what I do or where I go, I can’t run from the pain. It’s constant. Memories I have forgotten have started to pop into my head and starting to get vivid images of him, which I haven’t had before.

I guess I’m entering another stage, who knows.

11 Likes

Hi Ali .
I don’t know why but today I have experienced constant flashbacks of that terribly sad day. I cannot even think of what we might have been doing today it is just to painful, that is why I think back to this time last year when we were both so happy but either way it is so upsetting .
I actually apologised to Jane today as I feel like I am letting her down for feeling so weak all I have done today is cry.

8 Likes

@JohnP1961 sorry for your loss and the fact you are still struggling so much. It has been 19 weeks since my husband passed away from cancer. We would have been married 35 years this year. I get that nobody understands. I feel the only people I can talk to that understand are others on here. I struggle to have happy memories although I know we have loads. My thoughts are dominated by his illness and what he endured. I have been struggling more this week and I don’t know why. The loss of our future and the loneliness are the hardest to deal with. Keep chatting on here. Hopefully we can all support each other.

9 Likes

@Jan17 I am the same. We were married for nearly 39 years and I can only remember the last 3 years when my husband was ill with cancer. I am hoping those good memories will come back but they are still eluding me at the moment. Suffering from cancer is so horrendous it seems to push all the other memories out. How long will it take?

4 Likes

I too lost my husband at 57years old just three months ago to cancer and we had been married 35year
Life is so awful. I feel part of me is missing. The house is so quiet and lonely. The night are also getting darker and I too can’t get the 9months of hell out of my head. He battled all the way to the end. I nursed him at home and keep reliving the last week particularly I feel that we both have been robbed of life and can’t come to terms with how horrific his death was.

8 Likes

@Lily12 everything you say resonates so much with me

2 Likes

@Maz6 I hope with time the good memories overtake the memories of illness and suffering

Seven months ago I also lost my dear husband to evil cancer. He had suffered with it for quite a while but his life from last September was very traumatic until he died in my arms in January, Those memories will not go away. I keep having to look at photographs to remind me how he looked, so fit and strong before the ravages on his body from ‘C’.
These passed seven months on my own have been horrendous, the pain of missing him I know will never decrease. At least I have my wonderful memories of the life we shared.
My heart goes out to all of you, it’s a cruel world. xx

7 Likes

@Rome18 I keep fighting to sort myself out .It will be one year on 29 Sep and I’m going through an awful phase at the moment.( All phases since I lost him have been horrendous) But I keep thinking daily what we were doing this time last year etc etc it’s as if I’m hanging on to each day and soon on the 29th Sep there won’t be this time last year.
Everything is so cruel I keep saying to myself why him what did he do wrong what did I do wrong .We did nothing .These last few days have tormented me .I keep struggling with myself I know I have to accept everything to win this battle .I died when he died and it beats me how I can get over it.
I feel for us all just tormented because of love,what’s it all about.
Hugs
Annxx

3 Likes

@19Lefke95 I too struggle with what’s it all about? I try to be positive but the last few days that has been impossible. I look at all the things my husband had amassed over the years snd the things he achieved. Then I think what was the point of any of it. In years to come all his possessions will be dispersed and very few people will remember or care about what he did with his life. How can this be? Nothing makes sense anymore? Sorry for the negativity but I’m struggling with all the negative thoughts lately. Take care.

3 Likes

I write a brief diary each day, which started during covid and then became a diary of my husbands illness, treatment etc and I keep reading what was happening this time last year. I agree, I have been worrying that after 11th december it won’t be ‘this time last year’ and it will all become more distant. The saying ‘time heals’ doesn’t resonate with me as when my husband died I had only spoken to him the day before, soon it will be a year ago, so in many ways it is worse as it gets further away.

1 Like

That time heals does not resonate with me either. Since my husband passed away at the beginning of January, there’s been no healing for me at all, however positive I have tried to be. My mind is forever going back to all the horrendous times of my husband’s suffering.
There’s just no let up with the agony we are all going through.

3 Likes

My husband had a lot of possessions which he collected, he did a lot of amazing paintings as a hobby and has a garage full of wood he wanted to make into things, some of it very specialist. I was looking at it yesterday thinking what am I going to do with it all? It was so precious to him and meant so much to him, but not to anyone else. If only he had had more time. All these things that meant so much - all meaningless now.

3 Likes

@Maz6 I had a similar experience.We were planning to move to Hants /Dorset area.2 weeks before he died we had an offer on the house which naturally fell through.
My lovely husband had amassed thousands of pounds worth of tools .”For my garage/ workshop when we move” In his last days he used to say to me that he was dreaming of our new home .
When he died I was left with all these tools.To him they were so precious.I just couldn’t sell them .I gave them to his cousin who with his wife have looked after me.I told him to sell them and keep the proceeds .Honestly how can we move forward each day is heart wrenching for one reason or another it just goes on and on.The Queen was so so right when she said the price of love is grief…
I’m writing this and seem so negative but one year I feel worse.
We just have to keep trying
Hugs
Annx

2 Likes

Ann, You are not negative, you are talking about real facts, as we all do, that are affecting our lives in such devastating ways. I know that I will never get over losing my husband although I do try to be positive.
Sending hugs, Rosemary

1 Like

@Rome18 It is terrible isn’t it we think of the suffering and the day they died,Are you able to think with joy of the good years?I ha d almost 43 years of happy marriage but I don’t seem able to think of them as happy memories I only can think of this day last year.Like I’m dreading the 30 Sep when I can’t say that.I think I’m going mad.
I must look forward to moving ,but it is advised not to think of the future either.??!
Sorry for my rambling
Hugs
Annxx

1 Like

@Rome18 When I say I can’t think of the happy times I can but I’m stuck in this damned bubble of dreading moving into a future without him.
What’s it all about Rosemary?I actually sort of died with Zeki.He said to me “ Don’t die with me Ann” Can’t do anything else just a little every day.I think I must stop I don’t want to upset and disturb you
Hugs Annxx

@19Lefke95
It seems to be, that remembering the awful times is part of grief and, of course, the last memories, I have read that and my counsellor said so. She asked me to write down all the bad memories which were affecting me, which I did. She said it would help me. Well, it hasn’t and, in fact, I feel worse.
I try to remember all the joy we had and to help I wade through our albums, luckily, I used to put notes in them and that’s helping, it took me ages to remove the albums from a high cupboard but I made myself in the end.
Is your moving on track and is your nice estate agent been true to his word and helping?
Returning hugs, Rosemary

1 Like

No I haven’t actually started yet.I am still thinking which way to go .It will probably be McCarthy Stone .I’ve looked at quite a few to give me an idea.
You are brave to look at the photo albums I still haven’t done that yet.Also can’t watch programmes we watched together or go to restaurants we went to ,this grief is daft isn’t it.
Have you got family? I don’t have any close family only Zekis second cousin and his brother in Canada.No one else .
I have just managed to surface ,put my head above the grief a little ,thank you for the chat it raised my spirits a bit
Hugs Annxx