Six Months On in Lockdown

Six Months On
Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary. I have no idea where the time has gone and yet I can’t imagine mum being here anymore either.
It’s a strange amount of time, it’s a small and big amount all at once.

What’s hard though is the things she wanted me to be doing by now. Get a job, soon after. Not an important one but just something to get you out of the house. Part time. A shop. Anything. We’d planned all the places I would go and visit. The things that I’d sacrificed to care for her for that year and a half. The dance competitions, trips, visits to friends houses that came with the last few months and the year after leaving uni.
I’m now at that point where I want to do those things, I feel able to do those things and know that would help me get out of bed in the morning.

But I can’t do them. I’m stuck inside the house that has so many memories but I can’t get out. I got coronavirus and there was no one to look after me. Thankfully it was mild and I stayed at home but I can’t now work on the frontline and take up the job that is got in a care home to help.
I can’t go up to Sue Ryder and remember all the good time’s we had there.

What I can do is her crafting. Some of it is awful! She was much better at it than me but I want to finish those projects now. I sit around, watch tennis replays and try to be grateful for what I do have.

Anyone else feeling similar?
I’m toying with starting a grief podcast. I used to have a radio show at uni and loved it, this was the closest I could think of getting some of that enjoyment back. Would people listen? Particularly for under 30s (I’m 23) Thanks

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Kerrance,
I’m much older than you at 53, but I suspect we are going through very similar pain. I lost my Mum 7 months ago and i was her carer for 20 plus years. Like you, I’m missing my Mum terribly.
I’m not working at the moment. I’m living off savings.
Times goes so quicky and the memories rush in everyday. There are moments where I feel Mum has only been away a few days/ weeks.
I hope you recover quickly from the virus. I’m sure it was the last thing you needed ontop of everything else. Do you got someone who can help you or look after you?
Take care

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Dear Kerrance,
This awful emotion which is grief does play havoc with out well-being, I am sorry that you have/had the corona virus, goodness you have had enough to cope with. Six months is no time at all to contemplate getting a job, if you can manage without doing so, in my opinion it is too soon to start taking up the activities which you feel able to do. Grief saps all our energy and motivation you are so young, be kind to yourself and take one step at a time. I am many, many years older than you are, at 80 years of age, I have a world of experience, in life.
Take care,
Blessings,
MaryL

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Dear @kerrance22 Thank you for sharing your feelings in this post and I am sorry that you are finding things hard now especially while under lock down. I do believe that everything has its right time and I think you seem to be a driven person who is keen to be proactive which is wonderful ! Do remember not to put too much pressure on yourself about the job, the right thing will come
along at the right moment for you I have no doubt. You seem to be making the most of this opportunity for other things the crafting sounds like a lovely idea. I think also doing a podcast is a fantastic plan and would be both helpful for you and who knows how many other people it could reach for help and support also ! You could share the link here.

Ailie

Hi @kerrance22, I’m so sorry for your loss.
It was 6 months for me Sunday just passed and I’m in the exact same boat as you are. I hadn’t made it back to work after losing Dad, a shock I still think I’m in. My Dad was my best friend, I’ve never had a close relationship like it. I had to withdraw from uni as I’d missed too much to continue, ironically enough I was studying Counselling which my Dad was my biggest supporter.
Like you I wonder when I’ll be able to get my life back on track now with the pandemic. I was due to be back in work by now and starting Uni again in the fall and the uncertainty of it all hasn’t been great on my mental health. Too much change. We are so stuck in our grief and without much distraction it’s hard not to become total submerged in it. Just know you aren’t alone and we are all here to ride this crazy train with you.
Best wishes x

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