I’m new on here and just felt the need to start talking about my loss with people who actually understand what I’ve gone through, and am going through. I think I felt that up until now that if I spoke too much of him, or what happened, or see a counsellor, or go on a forum it would make it too real. Plus, I couldn’t talk about him without crying, so I tended not to say his name, or speak of him in any detail.
But I feel at this point, the reality of his death is starting to be something I have to face. Or something I can begin to face.
I can say that he’s dead without it feeling like I’ve been hit on the head with a sledgehammer. I suppose that’s progress.
He was was my soulmate and I fell in love with him when I was 14 years old. We grew up together, had two children and he died aged 50 of a heart attack. I found him dead on the floor of our business premises. He had been diagnosed with CHF 2 years previous so we knew that his life expectancy was not great, but he was still working and his condition managed with medication.
We had so many plans - to travel, move abroad, be wild and fun like we used to be instead of weighed down with illness, business, etc.
But instead I find myself a widow in my late forties even though I still feel married to him. I loved being his wife and I still love him with the same passion I did thirty years ago.
I wish he hadn’t died.