Six Months today


I’m new on here and just felt the need to start talking about my loss with people who actually understand what I’ve gone through, and am going through. I think I felt that up until now that if I spoke too much of him, or what happened, or see a counsellor, or go on a forum it would make it too real. Plus, I couldn’t talk about him without crying, so I tended not to say his name, or speak of him in any detail.

But I feel at this point, the reality of his death is starting to be something I have to face. Or something I can begin to face.

I can say that he’s dead without it feeling like I’ve been hit on the head with a sledgehammer. I suppose that’s progress.

He was was my soulmate and I fell in love with him when I was 14 years old. We grew up together, had two children and he died aged 50 of a heart attack. I found him dead on the floor of our business premises. He had been diagnosed with CHF 2 years previous so we knew that his life expectancy was not great, but he was still working and his condition managed with medication.

We had so many plans - to travel, move abroad, be wild and fun like we used to be instead of weighed down with illness, business, etc.
But instead I find myself a widow in my late forties even though I still feel married to him. I loved being his wife and I still love him with the same passion I did thirty years ago.

I wish he hadn’t died.

Hi Louella
It sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your husband, and that you fell in love with him when you were 14. By the way, what was his name. I’m always saying my wife’s name, Helen, and saying “when we did this” or “when we did that” - my son gets this more than anyone, and why not? And yes, I still feel married.
I only lost Helen 4 months ago and I find myself doing silly things like being very busy everyday or so, as though I am saying look at me I’m being normal and as though I would have earnt Helen coming back and why wasn’t she here. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.
Its difficult when you have made plans and suddenly life decides otherwise - life, and death, has its regrets but it sounds that you loved each other to bits and that is something to immensely proud of.
Good to speak.

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Hi Louella im very sorry for your loss and welcome to this special club .Yes you are right people on here do understand what youve been and are going through .Take it day by day theres unfortunately no magic formula to overcome your nightmare .There are people on here that dont mind private message (im 1 of those) Dont be a stranger on here .You might think i dont like ranting or moaning well this the club where you can do both .I hope ive helped you can also contact Priscilla (i do she might think o no that Colin again joke i hope not lol) Once again welcome to the club Colin (57)

Thanks so much for the replies.

I had a good cry last night but it felt such a relief because I suddenly became aware that I am not the only one going through this and I have felt very alone at times.

I have no single friends - they are all couples- and I feel really at odds with the world and that I don’t fit in anywhere. Up until now, I have felt like the only person in my situation and even though everyone has been so caring and well intentioned they just don’t know how or what I feel.

However, even though this is not a ‘club’ anyone would want to join, the fact that it is a ‘club’ has made me feel a little less alone and I know that the time has come for me to reach out to others who know the agony of losing your soul mate.

Thank you all for your welcome, it means a lot to me.

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hi louella my name is Paul I know how you are feeling I lost my partner 7 months ago today I was with her for 23 years and I felt that everything was going great we planned for our retirement and bought a static caravan to move the plan was to sell the house and move to wales in June she came home from work with an head ache that was the last time everything was fine as we thought 8 weeks after that she passed away I know how you are feeling I my heart goes out to you life is not the same now yes I got my family and don’t get me wrong they are great but they are not there when you turn the key on your door at night to an empty house all you have is and empty house 4 walls and no body to talk to my friends don’t visit and my family don’t it seems like I have to go to them but when I do it seems I am putting on them loneliness is very hard and when I do go home and enter the house a part of me dies everytime I keep telling myself to get it toghther but it is so hard please reply if you wish to talk x

Thank You Paul. The empty house can feel overwhelming can’t it. My house is three storeys and we used to sleep on the top floor but I moved to a different bedroom on the middle floor after he died and after a couple of months I decided to ‘nest’ - to make little changes about the place make it a bit cosier, somewhere I could retreat from the world and feel safe and grieve. I’ve bought a new bed and now the bedding and some different furnishings for the kitchen and living room. I get a bit nervous at night and have to check that the top floor rooms are empty ( I know that sounds a bit nuts) and weirdly I hate seeing the landing light on the top floor . But I have made everywhere else my ‘safe place’ if that makes sense?
Like you we were in the process of organising a move, to Spain for us, so the thought of staying felt like a betrayal initially. But now , I think, in the short term I’m can only focus on a day or two at a time, and maybe sometime in the future I can honour our dream and move to Spain? Who knows. Making any kind of plans for anything makes me very anxious so I am pushing any decisions in to the future.

It will be six months for me in two weeks since my Mum passed away. I feel I have taken about ten steps back since the new year. Every day is such an effort, cold, dark and even yesterday a bit of snow. The last made me so sad as I love snow and used to run in to Mum so excited when there had been a fall overnight - woman in her 50s and still a child at heart! She used to laugh and tell me to go for a walk in it and then come home and tell her all about it.

Finished clearing her clothes and taking them to a charity shop yesterday, so awful. The weeks and months stretch ahead, clearing everything else, selling the house and finding somewhere new to live. I get little or no sympathy from y one close relative who is only obsessed with what is worth money. I keep going by telling myself I never need to see them again after this is sorted out.

Feeling for you Mel, have a hug from me. At the moment I am going through my wife’s things and it is so difficult I know - I have to stop after half an hour and do more the following day. I’ll be honest I haven’t donated any of Helen’s stuff but it is much more difficult for you when you are having to move home and deal with an uncaring relative at the same time. Keep those good memories Mel - Helen and I bought ourselves special fleece lined wellies so we could go snow walking. Take care of yourself.

Thank. You Alan, it helps mowing there are people out there who understand (and are fellow tortoise owners!)

Knowing even, autocorrect gone mad tonight

Hi Mel, hope you have had a decent day (no, I can’t define it either). Helen bought the tortoise when she was 8 years old and it was an adult then, so Flash is the senior member of the household and has his own large tea chest for sleeping and hibernation. Flash is a link with Helen so I am hoping he emerges o.k. in the spring. Hope you have a peaceful evening and night.

Hello there. Well done for taking a small step and coming on here and talking. We all understand the pain and loss you are trying to deal with. And so young as well. It’s 9 months since my Andy died and I’m still not really coping or accepting the enormous loss. I don’t want this scary new life. I just want my husband back. I’m just 50 and never dreamt I would be widowed. So I hope you find that it helps a little with people on this site to be able to talk and express how you require feeling.
Take care
Debbie x

Our tortoise was who Mum asked about most when she was very ill. She couldn’t get into the garden to see her so we brought her in to see Mum in bed. I just hope our girl will come through the winter safely, she has a tea chest too!

Hi Mel
Hope you are not feeling too rubbish after your late night rubbish tv, but if it helps at the time better than going to bed and lying awake thinking about everything.
Glad to hear your tortoise is a member of the tea chest club and I too used to show Flash to Helen before putting him out into the garden I’d forgotten about that.

Thanks for the reply.

Have had a couple of tricky, weepy, days which feel more painful, I think, after a couple of ‘neutral’ days when I feel nothing. Every now an again the enormity of the loss hits me and I just want to hide.
As for being a widow , well, it’s a bloody horrible word isn’t it! I can hear my husband’s voice say ‘She’s not my widow, she’s my wife!’ He would hate me being called a widow, daft as that may sound : ) so I am rebelling against describing myself a widow! For now at least.

Thanks for the support and contact all - I love the tortoise stories Mel& Alan - they’re very touching. And even though everything is scary for all of us, I think it’s important to focus on the things that hold happy memories .

My six month date today. Just home from the cinema, went to see LaLa Land which Mum would have enjoyed. Sat and had a little snivel in the back row (dark so no one can see you cry) and had a couple of hours of escapism. Back to the reality of a cold house, heating has only just come on and a long evening ahead of me. Eastenders seems fairly depressing with a bus disaster last night so will watch that later - TV to make one feel suicidal with!

Hi Mel know exactly how you feel my misses re ordering came on the radio this morning and I was in tears it’s hard but we’ve got to keep strong. Sitting here on my own you think a lot what if or why’s. It’s so hard to get through and it seems like no body wants to know you. So keep strong duck it will get easier. X