It’s not been two weeks since losing my partner. A good talk with his grown up son and my mind is at ease for the practical stuff.
However, everyday some kind of sledgehammer hits. I without thinking picked up some aftershave and smelt it. God it physically knocked me to the floor. I have never experienced anything like it. Ever.
I’m going to see him tomorrow at the funeral home. I’ll never forget that morning I had to try and save my everything. He was 47. We could have had 47 more years.
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Id love to say it gets easier, people keep telling me it does as im supposedly still in very early stages coming up to 8 weeks and my sledgehammer keeps coming i think we just have to except it. I had a total melt down to day filling out a form when i got to the question emergency contact 
i dont have one anymore. He was my contact for everything. I now think nobody can help us but are selfs we just have to form a new normal and cope the best we can. Even when you think you cant possibly feel any worse here comes the next sledgehammer and yes we can feel worse best of luck to you and take care xx
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Hi lost my mum 3weeks ago.Know how you feel. Don’t know where to start in carrying on with my life.Have been organising the funeral for Feb 6th but am dreading it. Sledgehammer moments are every day.Dont think we will ever be free of them I have stayed home mostly as I have so many memories of where I went with my mum. Everything is torture.
Deborah x
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It’s the smallest things that hit isn’t it? My husband died in November and in December it was our daughter-in-law’s birthday. I wrote the card and broke down when it was just signed by me! My eldest daughter’s birthday was earlier this month and she asked not to have a card from me as her dad always wrote something funny about her age etc in it. I respected her wishes as I knew it was no reflection on me. All these little things that are just so unexpected but absolutely tear you apart when they happen. Love to you all xx. Jean.
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@Kellymet i am so sorry for your loss, you are still in the early stages, I’m 10 weeks in (still early) & I still wake with the sledgehammer every morning, feel constantly sick & on times as if I’m suffocating. Unfortunately we are on a long rollercoaster ride, the price we pay for so much love we had. Keep posting here because it does help & we are here for you xx 
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@Kellymet
Sledgehammers do still hit even at nine months but less frequently for me, which may help you to know. Some things hurt over and over again, whilst others have been tackled and hurt less. Some days are better than other but there ARE some better days.
Some days I will laugh at something, another day I will cry at the same thing.
There is no pattern to grief but I was once told that however you are feeling at any time is exactly how you should be feeling. I try reminding myself of that on days when I feel guilty because I HAVEN’T cried! I was beating myself up one time and thinking maybe I didn’t love him that much if I could have time without tears but that is simply not the case. I adored him and still do; I am just trying to live my best life and to make it have some purpose. People are, and always will be, the most important thing to me but looking after Richard’s legacy is also important and he keeps me motivated to do that.
Sending love
xxx
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@KarenF thank you for your words there. I wish there were so many less people who have had to go through this and understand the right words to say. It’s hard to feel I have a place in the world right now. The physical effects are crippling.
I can hear him now mind and what he would be telling me. I only ever had him to turn to.
Ahh I’m sorry for pouring it out. Xx
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@Kellymet
You pour out as much as you need. We are here for you. xxx
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@KarenF im so pleased to read your words about feeling guilty for not crying some days and i too have had similar thoughts, even tho i adored my husband.
@Kellymet my hubby passed away at age 47, im 48, and i feel robbed of many many happy years with him. Its just so unfair and makes me so angry.
Xx
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@Skip
I would say totally understandable to feel angry and we all know it’s a natural part of grief anyway. I feel 60 was far too young so 48 must feel as if you’ve been robbed of so much precious time together.
My comment to our vicar about us having 29 years married but it wasn’t enough prompted her reply, which makes absolute sense, ‘It never would have been enough.’
Sending love xxx
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That is so true @KarenF. I feel robbed of my future, and now im just so lost, just existing, like so many of us here just getting through each day til i get to join my hubby.
Love and hugs x
Yes @Skip I’m 46 & feel I don’t want a future without my partner, the thought of all those years ahead of me, I don’t want them without her; I chose to spend my life with her & that’s been taken away from me, really don’t know how I’m going to do it xx
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i feel exactly the same, people look at me with total hooror, when i say it but i dont mean to say i want to hurt myself i just totally dont see a life without my husband we have lost every plan we ever made and i just dont want a life without him. And i have nothing to look forward to again, and i just dont see the point anymore 
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@Amanda111 yes they don’t understand the pain, totally agree xx
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Emz,
Take each hour at a time and just do whatever you can to get you through each hour.It’s going to be hard for you like for all of us.Itvis so sad for you but I am sure your wonderful partner would want you to find the strength to get through each day with baby steps.Dontvtjinkntoo much about the future just yet as everything is so raw for you. It’s the same for me regarding my mam I honestly don’t know how I will get through this month without her.Her funeral was last Monday and I am lost without her and just want to sit and cry all day long. Please keep posting on here because we will all help you.
Deborah x
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Whats the point…thats what i keep asking too. Whats the point in anything anymore. We had plans for our future, which is why we both worked so hard, (both NHS workers for 27 yrs), i dont see the point in the hard slog of work if Bri not there to comfort and support each other at the end of each working day, or to go on holidays with.
Dont see the point in life at the moment, just existing each day, waiting for the day I’ll be reunited with my gorgeous hubby, but at age 48 that might be a long unbearable time without him.
Hugs to anyone who needs it x
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13 weeks today since I lost my husband. I’m having a very difficult night. It’s one of those nights when I just cannot bare the thought of living for any length of time without him. I’ve done 13 weeks and that’s quite enough. I don’t want to get used to being without him. My birthday was yesterday and I couldn’t show him all my cards and the things people gave me. He didn’t bring me a cup of tea in bed like he always used to. There’s no card standing up on the table from him. The pain is excruciating. I feel I can’t do it for much longer. I can’t face all the ‘firsts’ throughout this coming year. People tell me to ‘think about all the birthdays you had with him in the past and all those happy memories’ I’m sorry but they just about kill me off with grief at the moment. Really sorry to be rambling on. I wish I could give all of us on here some peace. Jean.
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Oh @Jean8 im sorry your having a bad time, i wish i could help in some way, and wave a magic wand for us all on here. We’re all here for you. Your hubby will be so proud of you for getting through yesterday and he will of been with you every minute.
Hipe you get some peace tonight xx
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I know how you feel i do not know how i can carry on with out my Husband it was his birthday on the 8th Jan and i could not stop crying i miss him so much he was always laughing and joking always had a smile on his face even when he was really unwell what makes it even harder for me is i lost my husband 20th oct last year to cancer and i also lost my Mum to cancer 8th oct 2019 and her birthday was on the 8th feb
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Hi Skip,
I feel like you Mam died Dec 30th Its so raw at the mo. Take small small steps each day I had a list of things to do today all about mam but havent done anything except cry Cant make phone calls like this . You are so young at 48 so theres no point in me suggesting retiring I am 64 so am lucky I dont have work to contend with. Keep posting on here We will all reply and help you
Deborah x