So alone

Hi, I am hoping I get some comfort from joining this site. I lost my husband 13 weeks ago. He battled cancer for six and a half years, and as requested passed away at home. I was his main carer for the last year of his life, and am totally lost now that he has passed. We were married for almost 32 years and together for almost 35. I’m not sure I will ever get over this. The pain is getting worse instead of easier.

Hi I am so so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes we dreamed of growing old together everything has been stolen from me so cruelly and tragically your in my thoughts take care your right every second is getting harder to bear Adele x

Hello Bev, I am not going to say welcome as non of us want to be here, but we are and we do help each other, so do stay with us and join in. If I am feeling lost, alone, or just struggling I come on here and join in. It always helps to listen to others point of view and in time you might be able to help and advise people and this is satisfying also.
I know only too well your pain and loss. My husband had cancer for ten years and my whole life became all about him. Diet, lifestyle was for his benefit and did work for most of the time as he was fit and healthy for years. Then the dreaded C took hold and I couldn’t do anything about it as much as I tried. Brian also requested that he be at home and I cared for him single handed. We didn’t want anyone else involved. I will never forget those last months though and now in my own personal hell. Trying hard to forget his pain and confusion at what was happening to him. You know all about that though. He passed away in November after thirty years of marriage, he was my life and I find that the months pass but I am still back there. However I do keep busy, I have found, for me this is the key to living something of a life. I take each day and having hobbies together I still continue to do them. I have been told you learn to live with the loss and I am hoping that one day I will get to that stage as I am looking to find a life, a different one but nevertheless a life as Brian would have wished for me. Good luck Pat xx

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Hi Adele, thanks for replying to my message. We to had so many plans for our future, and Rob fought so hard to continue living. But his poor body had been taken by this terrible disease. He hadn’t eaten for a year and was fed by a peg in his stomach. He still smiled though, and up until 2 weeks before his passing would insist he wouldn’t leave me. If it wasn’t for my children and my beautiful grandaughters then I don’t think I could go on. So sorry for your loss to. Bev xx

Hi Pat, lovely to hear from you. Like you my whole life became about my husband. Countless hospital visits, and then in the last few months our home turned into a hospital ward with a bed,wheelchair, commode and endless visits from doctors, nurses etc., What I’d do to have that time back again though. Just to care for him and cuddle him once again. I feel robbed that he was taken at 61, he loved life and had so much to live for. I am praying that in time I will feel better. At the moment I just don’t want to be here. So sorry for your loss Pat. Bev xx

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Hi Bev thanks for your kind words means alot im so incredibly sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating my Edward too stocky 6 1 went so underweight in front of my eyes it is heartbreaking I’d hold the straw fir him to have a sip of water in the final few days then could only wet his lips it’s mentally and physically destroyed me witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes all my dreams of growing old together everything we built together hopes and dreams have been stolen from me so cruelly and tragically your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

Our story is so similar. My husband had been weakening but he never gave up and then suddenly, like you the house was invaded. The doctor did call but obviously could do nothing. We refused any nurses. My husband insisted that I nursed him alone unless I couldn’t cope. The hospice helped us with equipment and called in from time to time to check on us as did a lady from the medical centre who made sure we had dressings etc. The phone never stopped as did the door going. My husband was a private man and disliked all these callers. My husband was older than yours but he was a man that also had so much to live for. We was walkers and our holidays was always walking both here and abroad. We also cycled, rock climbed. He sailed. He was a musician, an artist, and photographer. He had so much equipment it took weeks to sort through it all. Like you I can’t help thinking what a waste. I am told he is in a beautiful place now and being looked after and this does give me some comfort. I can say that it makes no difference what age our loved ones are taken from us we all feel robbed of them. Our loss is a neve ending nightmare at the moment. Take care Pat xxx

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Hi Adele, Your right it is devastating to watch our lovely stocky husbands waste away to nothing. I couldn’t even hug Rob in the end as he was is so much pain. I thought I would be prepared for his passing as he’d actually gone over the time scale they’d given him, but nothing prepares you when the time comes. Every day I write to him in a diary, just to let him know what I’ve been up to. I’m finding it helps as I actually feel like I’m talking to him. Take care . Bev xx

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Hi Bev thankyou for your message and kind words it’s six months and three weeks since my Edward fell asleep in my arms this afternoon it’s utterly heartbreaking witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes plus he would be making such a fuss of me as I turned 39 today it’s the first time in eighteen years I have not received a card or birthday kiss off him so really struggling haven’t been able to even open the blinds today just thinking we were out for my birthday this time last year not a care in the world planning our holidays thankyou again for everything im sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating in my thoughts and prayers stay blessed take care of yourself as much as possible speak soon in my thoughts Adele xx

Hi Pat, your right our stories are so similar. We were not quite as energetic as you both, but as our back garden backs onto a forest, we enjoyed long walks together. In fact we done everything together, a real team, which is why I’m finding his loss so difficult. I haven’t begun to sort through his things yet. He was a builder, so I have a shed full of tools I need to get rid of. Your right our loss is a never ending nightmare. I’m just grateful that I have such a loving family that are helping me through this. Take care. Bev xx

I couldn’t touch Brian either at the end because of the pain. He said my nails dug into him and I don’t have nails as I’m a nail biter !!! He told me off for hurting him when I tried to care for him. It broke my heart.
My husband kept so much of his things. His hobbies, the loft, the shed Oh my goodness I wondered if I would ever get to the end of it. I couldn’t even get into the shed. Still full so many tools but at least can walk into it now, instead of climbing across the top of things. My husband did like his own space at times and I understood this. When he was painting etc… Someone told me yesterday that when we was together it was obvious that we was soulmates. I am so pleased that other’s could see our love for each other. Cheered me up…

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So sorry for your loss, it is all very very raw for you at present. My husband, Alan passed away 12 months ago this coming Sunday, I really don’t know how I’m going to cope on the day. He was never I’ll, never a day off work sick. Taken into hospital May Bank Holiday Monday 7th May 2018, was told the following Monday he’d be coming home the week after, then on the Thursday afternoon, his consultant told me further tests revealed a malignancy Alan passed away 38 hours later. I am grateful I was able to be with him until the end, I’d been at his bedside over 24 hours from the Friday, the rest of the time i was in hospital I was there 12 hours plus each and every day. Not because I had to but because I wanted to.

This forum has been a godsend for me and no doubt you will find it a great comfort too. We’ve all found ourselves forced to continue in an enforced life that none of us wanted.

Blessings for strength to help you through your tough days ahead. And please know, we are all here to help each other.

Jen ☆

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Hello Bev
Really sorry that you have had to join a club you never wanted to be a member of, that’s the worst part. The fact that we are all here because we have loss someone dear to us. My heart goes out to you, I remember a little of the first few months of how I felt. It was like being in a fog. You will come out of the fog. You will go through so many emotions. I wish I could say after nearly a year for me, it’s some days just as bad as it was, but I do have some better days now, not good days, but not so bad ones. It’s a long long road ahead. Have you got support? Family, friends around you. You need to make the most of that, I will need them.
Thinking of you, here if you need me
BW wishes Lesley xx

Hi Lesley, thank you for your message. Sorry about the delay in replying but I’ve been away for a few days. Had a wobble while I was away, and coming back into our home is very difficult for me. I do have a very loving family and friends, but I don’t really think that they know what I’m going through. Am praying that things will get easier soon. Take care. Bev x

Hi Bev,
I’m so pleased you have support around you, it will help. But you are right, they won’t quite get it. I think until you walk in our shoes ! No one can appreciate the severity of the heartache we are going through. Like I said we have all joined a ‘club’ it’s difficult to explain what it’s like, so it does help to read the posts on this forum.
I may not post regularly but I do read a lot of them.
Always here to chat if you message me.
BW Lesley xx

Hi Lesley, I am so glad I’ve joined this group. Like you I have read many of the posts and I feel its helped me. I write to my husband every day in a diary, and I feel this helps as I can’t talk to him anymore. Keep in touch. Bev xx

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