So angry

My elderly father was taken into hospital in March this year. He was sufffering from COPD and the Miners disease.,He had been poorly for several years and we knew things weren’t looking good. Unfortunately dad was put on a ward that was actually closed with covid so me, my sister and my mum weren’t allowed to visit him for five week. Early one morning we got a phone call to say that we were to go to hospital as dad hadn’t got long left, but before we had even left the house we got another call to say it was to late and he had already passed.We still went to the hospital anyway, which was agony knowing we were too late. I cannot explain the pain of not being able to see him for 5 week. I’m so angry at not seeing him and feel so guilty in case dad thought we had all abandoned him. My mum and dad had been married 60 years and had never been apart. Mum always believed he was coming home. Mum had a breakdown and we barely got her through the funeral, then she was hospitalised for 8 week and as now been diagnosed with Dementia.
I want to scream and lash out at the unfairness of it all. We all loved him so much. I sometimes find the grief unbearable.

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Hi Diane,
Your post made me cry. I’m so very sorry that you couldn’t see your Dad in hospital. It’s truly heartbreaking. For all of you. I can only imagine the pain you’re in. And for your mam to now have dementia is cruel. It was my mam’s first anniversary a week ago. I really wouldn’t have made it this far without the lovely people on here. You are very welcome to join us in ‘Creating a shrine for my mam’. We support each other but it’s much more than that - real friendship. Grief is a hidden thing, tucked away until we are overwhelmed by it. I’ve been consumed in grief. If I had the option, I would still choose to be with her or take her place. I now live with a vast emptiness that can never be filled. I’ve grafted hard in my garden this year because mam loved to garden, so I do it for her. Everything I do is for mam. But it’s just filling in time until I have to get up the next day and do it all over again. Feeling really lost without her. It does help to chat here though, to express your pain and everything else. People understand and listen without judgment. It has helped me, and I hope it can help you too.
Lots of love xxx

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Thank you Christine for your lovely reply.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your Mum.
I guess the first anniversary of any special occasion are going to be extremely difficult, I was the same on Fathers Day,
I thought that because dad was elderly and had been in ill health for several years that I was prepared for him dying but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I am so pleased that I sought this group out and have a place to vent my anger and grief and hopefully will be able to find some inner peace in the future.
Take care of your self
Lots of Love :heart:

Hi Diane,
So pleased to see you again. Posting here really does help to express whatever we are feeling. It’s been a real rollercoaster but I’m still here and can’t imagine not being part of this group now. Can’t imagine anyone really being ‘prepared’ for losing our loved ones. It leaves such a gaping hole that I can’t imagine ever returning to ‘normal’ life again. I still sometimes think mam is just away and coming back and the reality hits me again. She went into hospital for tests as she was doing regularly and within a week she had left us. We didn’t know she had cancer and it had spread. We were all there with her and for that I am grateful. But I think whatever the circumstances it’s no comfort because there is no comfort in losing the most precious person in our life. My therapist tells me to focus on the lifetime we had together and not dwell on the end because our relationship isn’t defined by the passing. All we can do is go through this awful process to reach a place where we can take comfort in remembering happy times together. It still makes me cry but less than I have been doing. There’s some kind of self-preservation kicks in and we carry on getting through as best we can. I feel very detached from everything I do, filling in time to get through the day. Exploring our grief is healthy and to express it hopefully helps us get back to living again.
Wishing you lots of love xxx