So-called friends

Hi Everyone,

It has been a little while since I last posted and I apologise since that this is yet another message about fair-weather friends.

In the last few months I thought I had gained a handful of new friends, several hailing from the same country as me.

We go to a pub quiz weekly and occasionally meet for either coffee or lunch.

I thought things were going OK and lifting my mood somewhat until this week. First, I made a joke at the pub quiz one of them took exception to after which I got a whatsApp message saying that we need to discuss this further with honesty but when the time is right for them, rather than for me also. I don’t know about you but at my age I do not like being patronised, and I never ever liked being talked down. As for the ‘honesty’ bit, that takes the biscuit.

Then, another ‘friend’ returned to this country last Friday. I asked them to let me know when they landed but got no reply until Saturday. Since then, I sent a few whatsApp messages to her and another in the ‘group’ but have been met with total silence. All my messages were polite. In different ways, I helped all of these people and always treated them with politeness.

So I am left speechless, angry but also taken for a ride.

I wonder whether I should bother at all.

Sorry, I am in despondent mood this evening and my neuralgia is not making it better.

Love to all,

Sonia

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Hi Sonia, I’m so sorry that your “friends” are treating you this way. It seems so many people lack compassion these days and when you have been respectful to them and it’s not reciprocated that makes it even harder.
I hope you can resolve the issues soon as it’s unfair to be left out without explanation.
Take care
Jen x

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Hi Sonia
So glad to see you here again,I’m
Sorry reading this about your friends and how they have treated you over a joke, I can honestly say they were not friends in the first place, they seem more like a cult to be honest with you and you have escaped please don’t worry about it

You are stronger than this,

Blessings
Martin xx

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Easy to say just walk away from the school playground behaviour but you thought these people were “friends”.
Very hurtful.
Please try not to upset yourself any more over them.

G. X

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It’s often hurtful how people can seem to be cruel and unsupportive. I reckon we all have had an experience of this, but here are a few helpful thoughts from my life.

It needs empathy to realise how their actions hurt us. Some people have it, some people don’t. It’s not really their fault, they are a product of their genes (which they never chose). Plus their parents who brought them up didnt show them this skill. They can’t give you what they don’t have!!

I’ve learnt a maxim which has served me extremely well. “Just because someone hits me over the head with a stick (ie hurts me) why would I pick the stick up and keep hitting myself over the head as well.?”

From these two thoughts. Let the thoughts go, and if necessary let the people go.

As I said, I’ve experienced people who I would have thought (or maybe not) would be in touch to try and help, but didn’t. I’ve let them go (see above) and that includes a brother!! I think he fitted into the “lack of empathy” category. But I’ve been totally amazed at how many people immediately got in touch, ringing me for a chat, popping round to give me a hug and for more chats. Many of these weren’t close friends, just acquaintances. But now they are friends!!!

I realised I don’t need “friends” who let me down. They are now replaced by many more new ones, who care for me, and I care for them

The balance is very positive

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To put some context on the joke this ‘friend’ objected to: the girl who has just returned from Italy to pack things up and then move back to Italy indefinitely rented a room with this group of friends. I joked that I might fancy renting the room myself (I really do not wish to and I have the house my partner left me). The reaction I got was dumbfunding. The expression of sheer horror on their faces (or as if they had trodden on some disgusting mess) took me aback and I asked why. Lots of mumbling and then complete silence ensued.

I have no need or wish to domicile with them but their reaction was hurtful to say the least.

Now I am at fault, according to this ‘friend’. She wants to discuss matters, and I quote, in a very honest manner when she feels/is ready. Apparently she has a lot going on, poor soul (said sarcastically), like an office Christmas party tomorrow evening, for example.

And what about me? Does she think I am sitting at home doing nothing and that I have no issues to confront every day?

I told her I wanted to forget the whole debacle, but she won’t have that.

Hence my despondency, although this is rapidly turning into indifference.

To note, I have helped this person quite a bit.

Sonia

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What I find most hurtful is when I’ve received messages telling me they would like to meet up but are too busy!!

Why would anyone write that and not expect me to feel as if I’m worthless. Perhaps I’m just being too sensitive.

X

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Hi Sonia - if you can manage indifference it’s the emotion that is most helpful with ‘fair weather’ friends. I think some people are so frightened of any talk about death that they will find a way to avoid the topic one way or another. Saying they will talk about stuff at a time and place to suit them is both selfish and hurtful. It’s not even unusual. It’s happened to me. Those same people will be surprised if you aren’t having a full on party at Xmas, or if you do have a full in party. They don’t want to understand if it makes them feel uncomfortable. You need and deserve consideration and support. Put yourself first and leave them to it. Xxxx

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Hi Sonia friends like that you don’t need, I’ve had several in the past who mock my abilitie to stand and hold drinks I laugh it of but inside I’m fuming but with limited speech it’s difficult to respond quickly I don’t bother going out now

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I find myself feeling a little let down by a freind, who left me a sweet message , of concern stating she would call, the following day but never did: it seems so silly but I felt, if your going to leave me a message so caring and then not call, please consider how that feels. I rang her on Friday owing to needing a favour to get to hospital given 5 days later my dad needed a operation that was life or death and I had no resources to get there.

She has been a support in the past though we mainly meet at group things

It’s weirded me out a bit but it’s probably , maybe feelings around grief that can repel people.

It could be a technical thing with phone I guess but even after a call not related to her original message, I never heard back from her whereas my other freind when aware, met me for a coffee and rang me back when I also called him urgently.

This whole thing is bringing up so many existential questions: trust the mind to focus on the 1 person who still expressed concern but didn’t call

Have had same experience, I think people don’t understand or don’t know how to deal with us anymore or what to say

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Hi Sonia, they don’t sound like the kind of “friends” that I could be around at all. I’ve just lost my partner 2 weeks ago, and trust me people who I thought were my friends definitely aren’t! We don’t need fake friends anytime let alone when going through this! I wouldn’t give them anymore of your time,
Take care
Sam
X

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I’ve had several people who I thought were friends avoiding me. Someone even said ‘get back to me when you feel better’. Another one who couldn’t avoid me said ‘sorry I’ve not been in touch, I didn’t know what to say’. They are nice people but they don’t want to think about death. Sooner or later we are all going to lose someone we love. For many people unless it happens to them they’d rather stay in their comfort zone and avoid anyone grieving because they feel they it might cause them distress, or to acknowledge each one of us will die. It’s a mixture of fear and avoidance. It can be very painful. It’s happened to me, my sister has decided she won’t talk about my daughters death or the aftermath. She’s the person I am closest to, she tells me she only wants to think about ‘nice’ things. This kind of attitude hurts and is actually very selfish, I found out it is more common than I thought. Someone said to me not to expect more than people will give. You can’t make people support you, if they can’t or won’t, best thing is to leave them to it. Turn to the ones who will support you, or come on here. You will get support from people who understand because they are going through it too. Sending hugs xxx

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@Nell2. “Get back to me when you feel better?” I can’t believe it! I’m afraid she’d never hear from me again! You really don’t need ‘friends’ like that. I have some lovely friends who check in on me all the time, even if it’s just a text. Others have just got on with their lives. It will happen to them one day! Stick to this forum. Everyone on here REALLY understands. It’s been a Godsend to me. Big cuddle to you x. Jean.

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This evening I was trying to explain to a friend how lonely I felt after losing my husband 18 months ago. Her reply was that she also felt lonely when her husband was working even though he usually works from home! I just didn’t know what to say ……,

X

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@Trixie1. I know what I’d have said but I can’t say it on here! Xx.

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I think it’s a unthinking thing to say. As regards death it seems that many people say the first thing that comes into their head, so they don’t have to listen. They don’t want to know about loss, it makes them uncomfortable. Also grieving takes away confidence. I’ve had shallow and judgemental things said to me that, before all this I would have challenged. I did challenge someone last week tho - I was at a group I go to and a new guy I’d never met before started telling me how he understood and stArted stroking my arm. I ignored it but he came back later and same thing again, bout how he understood and stroking my arm. I said ‘can you stop doing that please’. Then told him how devastating losing a child is. He hasn’t been near me since. Just a few months ago I would have put up with it and given him the benefit of the doubt. All of us grieving deserve some respect. I don’t challenge every unthinking remark but that guy was one too far. Xxxx

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Good on you

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Turns out I was wrong about this particular freind: there was a good reason she had not contacted me but sorry to hear about your experiences

the numb feeling is what really feels strange

The problem is…on a group, people read a message, but could be doing other things. Shit gets missed. I for one find it really hard to reply something heartfelt over a message. But I bet if you seen those people face to face, it would be different. Why not see if you can arrange a drink? I go years without talking to friends aoart from awkward texts, but when you sit together, it’s different. Don’t take it to heart. If you considered them a friend, they probably are, it’s just anyone over 30, realistically, we don’t know hot to show we give a shit in texts :person_shrugging: