Hi everyone, so I’m nearly 8 month into losing my partner and now in the “depression” stage, I’ve just started anti depressants last week, too early for any kind of relief from how much I’ve hit the bottom, my counsellor says we go thru various stages and can revisit stages more than once, I go back and forth of the guilt and denial and the shock!! But the depression has definitely took a hold! I go to work and put on a face but once I’m home I don’t move! Don’t clean, don’t do anything!! I get washed and dressed only because I have too!! Really moody and irritated at the slightest inconvenience!! Can sleep for days if I could!! The fatigue is vile!! But trying to keep myself awake during the days now so I sleep all night!!! I’d give anything for him back and for this misery to end!! Cos that’s what it is!! A miserable existence!! The loneliness is bad too, knowing hes not there to vent too or laugh with! I’ve also scaled back visiting his grave as I find it too painful to know he’s under it!! Lucky if I go once a month now which creates guilt too!! I just can’t bring myself to go and see his name on the headstone! While I stand there crying looking at what I’ve lost!! I hate this new life what’s been rammed my way!! I often think why me? Why him!! What have we done to deserve this!! What a rant but that’s where I’m
Upto now, I’m shadow of the person i was, can’t remember the last time I laughed 
Hi Ang5 everyones grief is different and we all understand how you feel. 8 months is still early days so give yourself time this is the hardest thing we have to go through in our lives. We have bad days and not so bad days I’m 3 years down this sh*t road and i still feel sad and so alone although i live with my mum now. Dont feel you have to put on face for other people just be yourself and if you feel like a cry you cry girl . This is not the life we signed up for but it’s what we got. I to feel tried and could sleep for weeks . Hope things get better for us all on here . 
I feel like all I do is cry, and then I feel like people are judging me like I should be over it by now!! It’s just the worst feeling everyday and everyone on here must feel it too, I hope your ok, bet those 3yr seem like a lifetime ago but
Also like yesterday 
Indeed I’m dreading the 12th of next month thats the day i said goodbye 3year ago.
Dont ever feel like you should be "getting over it " we will never get over it only people that have been though grief know this.
Im having to deal with losing mum August 23 and recently being diagnosed with Myaloma cancer too. So I’m split between the 2, that’s my life at the moment.
I am so sorry I feel for you with every fibre.
This life now without our beloved life partner is truly terrible.
I can’t believe we have to continue but what choice is there.
I put a face on also and there is only one person I can be truly honest with and I thank god for her.
It is 12 weeks for me now and the future is bleak.
I have just joined this site and read some really sad stories I can feel everyone’s grief.
I send every one much love from the bottom of my heart.
@Ang5 I can understand why you are so upset when visiting the grave, and that is why I couldn’t go with a burial although that is what his family wanted, their family are all buried but I just hate it, we buried his mum the year before and although I have been to many funerals in the past it was the first actual burial I had been to and it really upset me. I have Chris’s ashes at home and he is still with me. I have him in my bedroom and I say good night to him every night and good morning every morning. I have told my daughters that he is to stay with me until I go and then our ashes are to be scattered together. It will be 12 months next Monday when I held him as he took his last breath and I think a bit of me died with him.