My husband was diagnosed with serious heart failure in 2009. He then seriously hurt his back in 2016 by coughing and was laid up for 3 months. He also had really bad sciatica where he lost feeling in his big toe, some of his foot and leg. He then had a massive blister on his leg and went into hospital for cellulitis in 2018, he then went in again with three infections resulting in him spending one week in ICU. Nothing happened 2019 and then of course COVID. He became paranoid about getting it and I could only go to the pharmacy and he didn’t like me speaking to the neighbours, just in case. He passed away on 5 Feb this year, he had put on so much weight because he was hardly mobile which affected what was left of his working heart . The love of my life was in pain and suffering and though I would wish it otherwise I am glad that it is no longer happening to him but there are times when I hate him for leaving me.
The guilt is because I suddenly have freedom and I’m enjoying it (sometimes). Am I doing all this too fast. Meeting friends, going for coffee even just food shopping, which he didn’t like me doing and also because I couldn’t/wouldn’t leave him for long. I have had a massive clear out, he cooked and I have got rid of nearly all his gadgets because I don’t. I changed our large car, we were going to do it anyway, so I changed it for a mini. His clothes have gone except for a couple of jumpers and the tie he wore at our wedding. I wear his aftershave. Just wish all this feeling would go away.