So difficult

It’s just coming up to 6 months since I lost Richard my husband of 34 yrs.
I feel more lost now as time goes on. I suffer with anxiety and agoraphobia so am not able to get out and see people to talk.
My sons don’t visit very often and my sister who lives over 45 mikes away only calls every couple of months now.
I thought I was coping quite well until last week. It was August last year around this time that my husband began going ‘ downhill’ with his serious illness, not sure if that has triggered off bad memories.
I do receive Bereavement Counselling from Sue Ryder- it’ll be my final session this week and I see a therapist privately every 2 weeks.
I feel so alone in this world and of late am waking very early with a horrible knot feeling in my stomach, unable to get back to sleep at all and lie there, of course all sorts of things come to mind, I relive past events and try and solve every imaginable problem.
This makes me so exhausted during the day that I have to go for a nap in the afternoon.
I miss my husband so much and spent last night crying.

My sister won’t talk on the phone on a sunday as it’s her ‘ ritual’ house cleaning day.
I saw no one over the weekend.

I’ve had a word with my Dr a few weeks ago and he said grieving is something only I can do in my own way in my own time. I’m already on meds for anxiety and he wouldn’t be willing to prescribe anything else.

It’s these early morning feelings that get to me, it’s too early to get up and I don’t feel like reading, I just need to sleep but my racing thoughts won’t let me.

I would welcome any advice from anyone else having similar feelings.
Love, Pegi X

Dear pegi. Not sure if I can offer any practical advice as I am suffering very similar symptoms to you. However it may help you to know that there are others out there going through this overwhelming feeling of grief and isolation. I lost my husband and soulmate early this year and, like you I struggle to sleep constantly feel anxious with a pain in my chest that is sometimes so difficult to bear. I went to see my doctor and was more or less told to just ‘ cope as best you can’. I have tried various coping advice from people but I think grief is so individual, for some people looking at photos and visiting familiar places that you enjoyed together helps. For me that is just too painful as I don’t want to out as everywhere reminds me of my darling husband and I just want to scream ‘ why aren’t you here with me’ I can also go days without seeing anyone and the only conversations I have are with the cashier at the supermarket! When I feel stronger I am going to investigate any clubs or organisations I could join maybe that is something you could investigate or volunteering at a local charity shop. Small steps to get you out of the house then gradually build your confidence back up. On your profile photo you look such a lovely happy couple and you a very smiley friendly lady. That person is still in there. Don’t let grief destroy you. I am sure he would not want that. Try to stay strong. One step at a time. When you have lost a partner we can never be the same again but we can learn to cope and start to enjoy some aspects of life I am determined to get through this as I know my husband would be so disappointed if I crumbled so please have hope.

Hi Pegi

I read your post and thought I would reply to you. My husband Geoff died unexpectedly in October. We had been married for 32 years and together for 40. It’s such a great loss - we lived and worked together. I haven’t been able to go through photos or go to places we used to go to. I am lucky to have two sons so I do have company when I need it but a husband can never be replaced.

I too had problems sleeping. I took Nytol ( one a night) tablet that I got from the chemist. It gives you a good 8 hours sleep. I don’t take it now but when I go back to bed I put on a sleep meditation and that usually does the trick. Even if I wake up I can usually go straight back to sleep. There are lots of meditations and I have used them for anxiety, stress and fear. They do seem to help. I particularly like Jason Stephenson. They are all free on You Tube.

It’s a shame your sister doesn’t want to talk on Sunday’s. That is usually the worst day for all of us. Have you thought of contacting Silver Line ( the Esther Ransen Charity). It sounds brilliant. They pair you up with someone who then calls you for a chat at a certain time every week. A lots of people say it really helps to know someone will be calling.

Sorry for rambling on - it’s a very long and lonely road we are all on but we have to try whatever we can to get through.

Sending you a hug

Yvonne x

Sorry to hear about your recent loss we all share things and learn from each other on this site.
I haven’t posted for a long while but we have things in common for example I’m alone with my kids as no one bothers nor contacts me. Friends/ family are non existant no phone calls/ visits etc, since losing my the light of my life my wife BAL in November 2016.
I’m 59 next month and receiving counselling for nearly a year ,funding it a daily struggle trying to cope I don’t live my life as before, haven’t watched TV, bought a newspaper/ magazine since, all I do is besides cooking/ cleaning for my kids us greive in loneliness .
Walk a lot daily and whilst out , talk out aloud to my wife each day I keep her alive in my mind;soul just to see another day.
The long loneliness of the grieving 22 months and still suffering my loss.
Best wishes to you as I know we all find some Solice in our lives but I never will as my BAL was one in a million .
Kind/ caring / generous in helping others before her.
Working since 17 for the NHS she was that one in a million.
Thank you.

Footnote .
BAL was 49 years of age a short life full of laughter/ happiness / kindness.
Small petite with a soulful heart.


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