My wife passed away last week after a very sharp
decline in her kidney function. I am so grateful that
she did not suffer unduly but I am puzzled by my own
state of mind. In recognising that so much about
the manner of her passing was merciful for her
I feel some guilt about having any positive feelings
and that I appear to be able to carry on with my life
relatively normally apart from a terrible dull ache and a propensity
to want to sleep. I seem to be doing almost too well but of course
it is very early days yet. I have spent about a year in anticipatory
grief and now that it has actually happened I dont seem
to feel as bad as I imagined I would. It doesnt feel quite real. Did anyone
else feel like this?
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Hi @mtamin. I lost my husband nearly 10 weeks ago. It was very sudden and unexpected. We actually had plans for that very day. My family and I have said how grateful we are that he didn’t suffer at all. Yes, it was 20 years or more too soon but, no illness, no suffering, no slow decline etc. we are doing the suffering and having to watch each other suffer but at least we know it will ease in time and we can see each other through. There are a lot of other positive things we have thought of too and, although we are in pain now in the future we are going to be on our knees with gratitude. You are, quite rightly, relieved that your wife isn’t suffering anymore. We felt the same when my dad died years ago. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are also probably still in shock as it’s very early days. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and as you have done lots of anticipatory grieving, you may well be ‘over’ the worst. I am very sorry for your loss x. Jean
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@mtamin
Seconding what @Jean8 said in that grief has no pattern and there is no right or wrong.
I am almost nine months from when I lost my husband very suddenly. I too am so grateful that he didn’t suffer illness or even probably fear as it was all too quick. I am also grateful that it wasn’t me trying to resuscitate him as he was away from home when it happened. Our situation could have been so much worse for him and for myself and my daughters.
I don’t think being grateful is negative at all and if it helps us then it can only be good.
Don’t punish yourself for doing nothing wrong. x
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Thankyou for your kind and thoughtful response. My wife was told in July that she had lung cancer but could not be formally diagnosed due to other underlying conditions, mainly the effects of kidney disease. This of course was a frightening thing to be told. I was so worried about what suffering she might have to endure. In the end though Chronic kidney disease took her gently and swiftly before cancer had a chance to make much progress and even before kidney dialysis became a necessity. When she was admitted to hospital for the last time she had already become unresponsive by the time she got there and not aware of her surroundings. This was so merciful and within two days she had passed peacefully. I have to reflect on how fortunate this was in many ways. I am missing her terribly of course but I will be forever thankful for the 30 years we had together and the manner of her departure.
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Thankyou for that reassurance. I reciprocate my best wishes to you as you try to come to terms with your loss. I did not expect to feel this level of gratitude for so many of the aspects of my wife’s passing. I suppose it is confirmation that I put her needs first and that I am happy that they were met even in death. Thanks again for your kind reply.
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Hi my Judith passed peacefully away on 27/9/2021 from stage 4 bladder cancer,she suffered greatly for a long time,a 9 hour operation then hours of chemo ,7 weeks in hospital during Covid,finally to a hospice and 4 days later she was gone from.A brave lady taken by an evil disease.I remember being taken into a room by the medical staff and told that my wife was dying and it could only be a matter of weeks,I was destroyed in an instant.I was with her at the end ,the day my life changed for ever. Michael x
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Hi my husband passed away 20th oct last year with colon and liver cancer i still remember the day we was told that he only had 6 months it broke my heart hearing them words and i was with him at the end was the hardest thing i have ever had to do
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Oh Sue so sorry,what a terrible thing to be told,I was told the same about Judith,she fought and battled so hard but it got her in the end.Like you I am so broken hearted and grief stricken every day.Also like you I was with her at the end ,her final breath and she was gone. I am crying now just writing this to you. Much love Michael x
My husband fought and battled so hard for a year and a half he was meant to have a op to remove the cancer from the liver but by the time he had a scan the cancer had spread to far for them to do anything they tried all types of chemo but nothing worked they said he had Metastatic cancer of the colon and liver
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Hi Sue 11 sounds very familiar,they told Judith that she needed a major operation urgently,she was on the table for 9 and half hours,the surgeon rang to say that he got all the cancer but when she had the next scan it was back in 2 places,so chemo started but it did not stop it and you know the rest.Judith had a very aggressive bladder cancer,she had 2 bags attached in the end poor lady.They are so brave our loved ones who have gone through this hell of a disease.I am traumatised by what I saw and I will never be the same person. Michael x
Yes they are so brave and it hard seeing them going through such a hard time knowing there was nothing i could do to help my husband i cared for him untlll the end but just wished i could make it all go away for him and the times i had no choose but to take him to the hospital as i could not control his pain at home and knew it was the best thing to do for him he would say he was ok but i could see that he was in a lot of pain it broke my heart every time i had to take him to the hospital as he hated it
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Heartbreaking to read how you have suffered. I am so sorry.
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