Here i am up and about again…5.50am…i dont know how much more i can take of this…As soon as my eyes fully open to get out of bed, my reality that Richard is not in his bedroom, and i am here all by myself, i started crying, no whimpering, as i was making my way to the loo, another MS bladder emptying,…whimpering, " i am so alone, i am so lonely, all i want is my Richard back, where are you Richard, please come back to me…" oh how i hate this life, i dont want to carry on anymore but i know i will come through this day just like the day before and the day before and the day before, been nine plus months now, and all i want is Richard to come back to me…Yes i know i am asking for the impossible…but the waking up in the morning is really the worst for me…when the reality hits you…
i know we are many now in the same boat…as for me, i know even if i was to be in a building where a lot of other people are also in, even knowing i am not alone,i would still be lonely, lonely because the only one person who really knew me, new me inside and out for 20 years is not amongst them, all the others to me, no matter how friendly will still be strangers…We have also lost our routine…the lack of atmosphere, sounds…I am now just a lonely old disabled woman…just wishing for this to come to an end…
Jackie…
Hi Jackie, my heart goes out to you. I read a lot of your posts and know your journey. Has there been no step forward in selling your property? But you know you have hit the nail on the head when you say even in a crowd you would feel lonely. I find it almost worse being with people because the evidence is then in front of me that I don’t have a normal life anymore and won’t have. I too now live alone but it was my son who died. I find I don’t feel a lot anymore. No massive pain, no joy, just empty. Day’s are things to be got through. And I do. I work part time, I walk, I read… but the person I used to be has gone and I’m probably grieving for her too. But I think if you were closer to amenities it would help you…x
We are so torn between craving for our old life, our comfortable life, and now facing a new life, a different life, an unsure life, an unpredictable life, i am at an age i dont relish change…if perhaps i was younger this might be an exciting time wondering what new life was waiting for me but not now at my age, i am aware of my life pattern, it was not a good one in my teens and twenties of which i shan’t go into, then being a single for the next 20 years when all i wanted was a man in my life, a partner, a husband to call my own, well i hit lucky in my late 40’s, and in hindsight i believe both myself and Richard met at the right perfect age for the pair of us, everything was perfect, we had our health, we lived a life, enjoyed where we visited during the weekends, Bank Holidays although we didn’t do much together in the evenings, we had our dogs…Yes i know i am still at the age i could meet someone, i might still have a future out there just waiting for me again but…hand on heart, i feel God gave me the gift of Richard just at the right time, our right ages, and i keep asking myself would i want to start all over again with someone different…I think our life goes through life stages, and hand on heart i have now reached my last and final stage of life…I feel this is it, back to square one…
Jackie…
I am laughing and crying as i stand at the entrance clinging to Richards bedroom door, his bedroom is opposite my computer office…I am looking at his empty bed and crying, i wish you was in it, i was picturing him to be in it, as if he was in it, then telling him that i would get his back up talking to him in the office on the computer too early in the mornings , where he would be burying his head under the duvet trying to get back to sleep, and i wouldn’t let him as i knew i was tormenting him, i found myself telling Richard, " do you remember i kept talking when all you wanted to do was get back to sleep…" which made me laugh amongst my crying…oh how i wish his head was underneath and buried in that duvet, when i was standing there clinging to his door i could almost imagine him being there, only for the reality to hit me, his bed is now empty…i will never see him in it ever again…
I’m sorry I know it is exceptionally hard. It was lucky you found each other all those years ago.
I just want all this to stop…all we do is just force ourselves to carry on…I dont want to be having to make this new life for myself…I am a creature of habit…same as Richard was…
Nor do i want another 5-10-20 years of living in this PP-MS body…having Richard daily in my life was all that kept me going…having my own man, a partner…he was mine, no one else’s…and i was his…