So lonely

Thankyou for those words. Because Martin had a hospital bed downstairs for the last few weeks I always said goodnight and love you to him in the lounge when I kissed him last thing at night, again as I went up the stairs and again once I was in bed. I still say goodnight and love you in the same places. I can convince myself he’s still in his bed downstairs then. I also ask him to help me if I’m struggling with something as I always did. I still feel him in the house and I could even smell his garlic breath one evening. It took me a while to work out what the smell was as I’m not a fan and there’s not been any in the house for months. Strange things happen that I know he’s responsible for but I still miss his physical presence so much.
Lots of love and thanks. XxX

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Roger was in a hospital bed downstairs for a few weeks too.

I still feel that he’s here.
But he’s with me wherever I go because he’s in my head and in my heart.
And that will never change.

I do ask him for help and ask him what he thinks. I also tell him off sometimes.
Usually when it’s a job I need to do which he would have done

Love and hugs
Liz x x

Martin had his hospital bed in the lounge and because our house isn’t very big we had to move quite a bit of furniture into the garage to make some room. Although the bed has gone and the furniture is all back as it should be I still can’t be in the lounge for more than a few minutes. I haven’t even switched the tv on since he died, I just stay in the conservatory. The lounge is the last place I saw Martin before they took him away. All I see when I’m in there is him laying dead in his bed, washed and dressed and ready to leave me. To me the lounge is a room I walk through to get to the conservatory. Did you feel like that or is it just me? Sorry if I upset you or bring back unpleasant feelings asking this.
Lots of love to you.

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Hi @Kaytoo, I really don’t think there is anything unusual in the way you are dealing with things, we all have our own ideas on what we should or shouldn’t be doing, the important thing is you do what you feel is right and what you are most comfortable with. I was the opposite to you, my wife collapsed onto the bedroom floor, it was where the paramedics and doctor worked so hard to revive her, it was where she was pronounced dead, they laid her onto the bed and laid the quilt over her but not her face, waiting for the funeral people to arrive as she was now under the coroner, I cuddled her and my daughter said good bye, that evening I planned to stay at my daughters but couldn’t do it, I had to “sleep” in our bed and it has been the same every night since, I have been asked to stay with my sister in Australia, it is too soon, 7 months, I really don’t want to leave the house and the thought of sleeping elsewhere makes me really uncomfortable, however, I do know that at some point I will be able to visit my sister it’s just me being comfortable to do this, I will not be put into a situation where I am not happy - whatever it is!
So we are all different and we are all right in what we choose.

Take care.

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I understand what you mean about not being put in a situation you’re not happy with. We had a Macmillan coffee morning in our village yesterday and they did it in Martin’s memory. My niece asked if she could come the day before and stay the night. As we didnt have a spare bed it meant her being on a blow up bed in the lounge where Martin died. It took 2 weeks of me getting so stressed at the thought of it before I had to say no to that. She came but slept in the conservatory in the reclining chair. I felt very mean but I couldn’t have coped any other way.
Take care and I hope you get to see your sister soon, but when you’re completely ready. XxX

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Sorry for the delay in replying.

Please don’t apologise, you haven’t upset me

Although I nursed Roger at home for 3 weeks or so hae was in the hospice for the last 5 days so he didn’t actually die at home.
So I don’t have memories of him laying dead in the bed at home.

My memories are of leaving him the last time in the Hospice

I stayed at my daughters for a while after he died.

However before I moved back home my daughter, son-in-law and Granddaughters completely changed the furniture round downstairs to help me forget the hospital bed and stuff.

I think it helped but for many weeks I cried when I came home because he’s not here.
I eventually came to realise that he is still here. In my head and in my heart and always will be.

I do still cry, a lot but that is because I love him and miss him so much.

The missing I’m afraid will always be there.

Love snd big hugs
Liz x x

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I lost my wife Patricia Nov 2022 we were married 60 years but we’d known each other since we were 15 it’s very hard I’m on my own I take flowers every month on the day she passed away I talk to her as if she’s still with me dark nights are worse when you’re sat on your own all sorts goes through your mind I’ve got lots off happy memories but everything just stopped when i lost her I miss her 24/7 every day I get very emotional thinking about her

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