Hi there, I have just joined and currently feel like i’m losing my mind. I thought I would explore this way of expressing how i’m feeling right now in the hope that someone else out there might understand and maybe be able to offer some comforting words, or perhaps help me make some sense out of how i’m feeling.
I lost my partner in January to an aggressive brain tumour. He was actually admitted to hospital in October last year following a traumatic bleed on his brain, and at this point, we were told he had had a stroke and his prognosis wasn’t good. We were told he had a 50/50 chance of survival. We were unaware of the multiple tumours he had in his brain at this point.
Following the stroke, he defied all odds, and began, what we (and the doctors) thought, was a miraculous recovery. He woke from a 4 week induced coma and slowly started to recover. He did amazing, starting to talk, and even walk again. He did so well that they transferred him to rehab with a provsional discharge date to come home. I was so incredibly proud of him.
It was when he got to rehab that the doctors requested a further, routine, MRI scan to check that the swelling and fluid in his brain had settled following the bleed. It was then we were told the devastating news he had multiple tumours in his brain and that it was the tumours that had caused the initial bleed. At this point they were unsure of the seriousness of the tumours, but told us that he was fit enough for treatment should he require it.
A biopsy, however, determined that the tumours were in fact Grade 4 Glioblastomas and that they were too advanced to treat. For him to make such an amazing recovery, to then be told that he had weeks to live, was a feeling I can’t even begin to explain in words. He had overcome something so traumatic, to then be told he was going to die within a matter of weeks. From the date we were told his condition was terminal to the day he passed away was exactly 4 weeks. I was by his side every single day, from when he first went into hospital in October, to moment he passed away at Trinity Hospice on January 13th.
I have experienced every emotion under the sun since he passed - numbness, devastation, anger, guilt, confusion, detachment and denial to name but a few. I know these are all normal, but I find myself struggling to move forwards.
The concept I am struggling with the most is that we had a future to look forward to together, and I feel so angry because he was ‘taken away’ in such an awful and unfair way.
I always look for reasons and explanations for things happening, and I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone, and why?
I am currently experiencing, what I now know to understand, to be anxiety. I am having heart palpitations, problems eating, and am easily irritated by things and people. I find myself taking my grief out on those who are trying their best to support me, which frightens me because without them this whole process would be so much harder to navigate. I constantly feel on edge and have this overwhelming feeling of dread constantly. I am withdrawing from spending time with people.
I am also dealing with the added stress of us potentially losing our family home, which my partner so desperately wanted us to keep should the worst happen.
This whole thing feels like a nightmare that i’ll never wake up from. I need to move forwards, but I don’t know how.
Sending so much love to anyone who has experienced anything similar. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I lost my husband January 2024 ,he had terminal pancreatic cancer and lung cancer,so i understand how you are feeling right now .It takes time when you are grieving .Try and take one day at at a time. Sending Love.
I lost my wife suddenly last February and totally understand how you feel,as soon as I overcame the initial shock I was overcome by a feeling of extreme dread that something terrible was going to happen, I rationalised this by telling myself that the worst thing that could happen to me has already happened ,losing Joan,this partially softened this feeling of dread somewhat.
Believe me when I tell you that there is nothing that anyone can say to you or do for you that will ease your heartbreak, it’s up to you.
Ask the people close to you to help you with the problems with your house and car also other everyday problems,when you are grieving your poor judgement will affect your decisions.
You will quickly find out who your real friends are,one thing I found out is that all of the people at the funeral were not there for me, they were there for Joan and most of them disappeared quickly when I needed support.
Never turn down any offer that would get you out of the house or give you the company of others, you will still be lonely when you are with people because you are missing your special person but the distraction people give you is valuable in your recovery.
I hope you find some peace in this awful situation you find yourself in.
So sorry for your loss. My partner Janet died in January also secondary breast cancer in her spine . She’d had the all clear a few months before symptoms started in October by Nov they did MRI found it had returned and spread. Managed to look after her by myself at home. Traumatic but it was just her and me as it had always been.
All the emotions you are feeling are exactly like mine. As you say take each day at a time, try to achieve one little thing . I hope you don’t loose your home , you’ve enough trauma to cope with.
You’ve done the right thing joining us here, we all understand what your going through. If you need a private chat just message me whenever.
Take care of yourself Pete
I watched my sweetheart die a horrific death as well
Hi my heart goes out to you and a lot of how you are feeling I can completely relate to. I lost my husband at the end of December to a cardiac arrest at home after just coming out of hospital from undergoing a quadruple heart by pass which we thought would give him a longer and better quality of life and I feel so robbed of that he just didn’t deserve it he tried so hard to recover from his surgery 
I think the initial shock has worn off a little bit now but I’m still struggling to come to terms with his loss. I find some comfort in coming on here and reading other people stories and knowing I’m not alone because being a young (ish) widow can feel quite isolating. I’m also trying to support my 3 children through their loss and sometimes I just feel completely overwhelmed. Just take a minute an hour or day at a time and try not to look too far ahead into the future and don’t be too hard on yourself what you’ve been through is heart breaking and life changing and it’s ok to feel how you do I’m sure your friends and family understand if you’re feeling a bit irritable I’m the same! Sending strength and love xx
I’m dealing with the same. All the vultures in and out and making his life all about them. I know he hates this. Mark doesn’t want this. It’s really horrible how people can make things all about themselves
They certainly do. An awful ex of mine started coming to my house after Steve died, making himself useful, but telling anyone who would listen how great he was being. Actually came to the funeral (Steve couldnt stand him) and introduced himself as the person who introduced Steve to me. All about him. Freak.