So lost

Hello
My sister died 13 days ago after fighting and suffering so much for over 3 and a half years despite being given only 6-12 months to live. My life has revolved around her during this time, whenever i wasn’t working I was pretty much with her; her human diary and best friend. We have always been so close. Our mother was an alcoholic who was very abusive until.she eventually killed herself when i was 30, my sister 32. My sister was the best mother i ever had, and everything i have ever achieved is down to her love and care of me. She called us twin souls, she was there for me completely. I coped better than i thought i.would following her death and getting through the funeral. Her suffering was torturous and relentless the last few weeks, and when she passed away i was so pleased for her that she was no longer suffering… but i think I’m now beginning to feel the grief, the realisation, and it terrifies me. I feel quite paralised by it and honestly don’t know if i can cope with what is to come as the enormity of loss hits me. When the numbness goes how will i get through losing the only person who has ever been there for me consistently? I want to live again but am scared i will get too low, too depressed to find days in the sun again.

Hello Debz,
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved sister of only 13 days ago. My sister lived only a year after her cancer diagnosis, and her death was sudden and unexpected (in May of this year) because she had been doing well. I so like your term “Human Diary,” and I can relate to that being what my sister and I were to each other as well. We also had a tumultuous upbringing, for different reasons than yours, but it also caused us to cling to each other growing up and into adulthood. Our sisters filled so many roles for us and I know you are feeling the tremendous void, as I am. How do we go on when we’ve lost a part of ourselves, our past, present and future? I am still struggling with that, 4 months on.
Were you with your sister when she passed on? I held my sister’s hand as she slipped away and I can still feel her little hand in mine. I am so sorry your sister suffered so, but she was blessed to have you there to comfort her. Not many people understand the impact losing an adult sibling can have on one’s life. Coming to this site I found others who also lost siblings, but even if they did not, they could identify with the universal pain of losing that one person who was our world and our “life line.” I hope you have people you can turn to for support, it is so much harder going through this nightmare alone, but having this site to come to is a great help. I just want to talk to my sister like we used to. I want to text, phone, laugh and talk for hours, watch TV and go to cinema together, vent and rant and share our daily events. For me, I see this as being “sentenced” to the rest of my life without the love and light of the person I cherished the most.
I wish you the strength to get through these difficult days.
Here for you whenever you need to share.
Sister2

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Hello Sister2
Am so sorry to hear of your experience. It really is a rest of your life sentence. That fact is unbearable when you actually allow yourself to feel that. I honestly think that as it’s quite early days for me I go from being numb, to crushed, to distraught etc etc. It’s like being different people almost. For me anyway. I was with my Sister when she died. I’d been staying at the hospice sometimes and me, her husband and daughter were there as we knew the end was close. The Drs were simply unable to manage her pain no matter how hard they tried. She was on so many pain killers - morphine, ketamine, other stuff I can’t pronounce never mind spell. She was constantly in agony, even when she was so dosed up she couldn’t speak or be awake, she was still moaning and crying in pain. Sometimes she was conscious and it was hell for her, and us witnessing her suffering so much. She and we eventually agreed with the Dr for her to have a tranquilizer type pain killer. It was the only thing to allow her no pain they said, but it is an end of life medication and they said she wouldn’t wake again, although she did a few times. They said as she was young, her body and mind was so strong and drugs which usually work just weren’t as effective on her. Witnessing her decide to have that was one of the hardest and distressing times of my life. She fought and endured so much for so long to not leave us but it was just so, so bad. I kissed her head and told her to let go as she took her final breaths. I was calm, in a way I never thought I would be. I wanted her to finally no longer be suffering. That is the only consolation in all of this; that she is now at peace and no longer in the emotional and physical agony she once was. I wish I could take away some of your pain, as I know how you hurt right now xx

Hello Debz and Sister2

So very sorry for the loss of your lovely sisters and what your sisters endured in illness. It is early days for you both. Take things a day at a time. I lost my sister in her 30s some years ago xx

Dear Debz and JayDee,
Thank you for your response. I always get excited when I see I have a reply to my post, it shows me someone is listening and cares. Grief is such a lonely journey and it can cause us to feel isolated and abandoned.
Debz I am so sorry for what you had to witness in your sister’s final hours, and I hope in time you will be able to replace those memories with the many happy and good times you shared throughout your lives. You were there for her until she had to transition on to the next realm, you saw her through until you had to let her go (as I had to with my sister, when she slipped away from me that night as I held her hand). The love we had for them will never die.
JayDee I am sorry for your loss too. No matter how long ago, we still feel that void. How did you get through it and find a way to carry on? I still struggle with getting to the next day without my sweet sister to share my life with.
Please keep posting and I will be here to listen, as will all the other good people on this site.
Sister2 (still lost and looking for the light)

Hi Sister2 and JayDee
Thank you for your messages. I feel flat at the moment. Not in the depths of despair where i do find myself quite often at the moment, but completely joyless. I know this is part of the process and i know it’s going to be like this for a long time. I just wish i could fast forward time to a place where i can feel happy again and i feel depressed knowing it’s going to be a long time yet. A lot about me, and a lot of gloom i know. Sorry. I do hope you are both having a better day xx

How are you getting along Debz? I know each day can be different, and even parts of our day go from being “okay” to being in the depths of despair. I understand your feelings of “lack of joy.” I cannot even think of a “future” because my sister was my future, and we looked forward to growing old together. I do not know if you have family support, but I do not, so this is a solitary journey for me. No one was as close to my sister as I, and no one knew her better. We were best friends, and told each other our deepest feelings. There is so much I need to tell her now, that only she would understand. I hope you are finding some solace in any small way you can. Peace to you in this struggle. Reach out anytime. xx

Hi Sister2

I think the truth is that I did not do anyrhing to actively find a way through it but instead one day moved onto the next and time passed and the shock and disbelief moved to an acceptance. I lost my mum last year and still struggle to believe this is forever

Xx

Hi Debz

I do understand your comment about flat and joyless. That about sums it up. Just keep moving from one day to the next for now and we must all hope for an acceptance at some stage xx

Hello Sister2,
So sorry for the delay in replying. I haven’t checked my emails in a few days and didn’t realise you’d written to me. I’m doing better. Which is surprising in all honesty. I expected to be broken forever, really did, but I think that due to her being so ill for so, so long, we grieved so much together. We used to go to the same café 2 / 3 times a week for lunch and we used to joke how we were likely nicknamed “The crying ladies” as often all we would do is cry as we sat and talked. It really was a truly difficult time. I wonder if maybe because of that I’m now coping better than I thought I would. I have support, not much in terms of family, but the support I do have is very good. I am extremely lucky in that respect. During the times when only my sister will do however, I write to her. She bought me a journal a few years ago which was truly beautiful, and I made the decision then, to save it and use it to write to her when the time came for her not to be here with us. It has helped. It’s like talking to her, even though she’s not here. But hey - who knows. Maybe she is sat right next to me during those times, reading what I’ve wrote and I just can’t see her! I’m not sure if we can communicate privately on this website but if we can, please feel free to message me privately if you wish. I am here for you xx

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