I lost my partner very tragically whilst on holiday 11 weeks ago now. It was a much needed holiday as he had lost his stepfather in March this year & had been dealing with all what does on with that & selling the house. I had also lost my mum in August this year ( 6 weeksbefoe)
.I had to come home alone which was very traumatic by itself. I had a date for major surgery 2 weeks after we returned & managed to get his funeral for 2 days before my surgery.
That was 9 weeks ago.
I know it’s early days but i am amazed that i still have tears flowing so frequently. I cannot talk about him without welling up.
He was my soulmate if 18 years.
He had closed a book with certain things which had been a milestone round his neck for years & we were going to start the next book together in a much better place.
He was to have a ‘special’ birthday beg January & know he was planning a holiday somewhere i had always wanted to go.
Everyone tells me it’s early days. I look at his drawers of clothes but think that if i move them he won’t know where they are… then the reality kicks in.
I cry before i sleep, cry when i wake in the middle of the night, again in the morning when i wake & that’s without the day time.
I feel so lost even though my friends have been fantastic. We did everything together & were in tune with other all the time knowing what the other was thinking.
I know he is there looking after me as looking for important papers twice i have felt the need to go straight to them when i had no idea where they would be. I also found a white feather next to me in bed on the sheet when i have nothing with feathers near the bed.
This doesnt compensate for the need of his hugs & cuddles & his companionship. I don’t want to be a burden on my friends & family who say i am being strong by being upset all the time but not sure how i can make this stop.
Hi So lost. My deepest sympathies to you. I lost my wife suddenly on 17 November, and a lot of what you say I see in me. The slightest thing starts me crying, so please know it’s a natural part of grieving.
My wife always went to the pantomime with as many of our 21 strong family could go, but today, 21 December, I filled her shoes. I’ve never really been into pantomime but my children and grandchildren wanted me to go, so I did. We had a lovely meal beforehand but the first song was “Somewhere over the rainbow”, and I had tears running down my face. I have no idea why that was!
I’ve not touched my wife’s clothes yet, except to put away the ones she had just washed and ironed, and although my daughters want to help deal with all her things, I just can’t bear to move anything yet. So I really understand you not wanting to move his things either. People don’t always realise how difficult it is to deal with such things - they’re often so personal. I can’t bear the thought of anyone else going through her clothes! In time I’ll start, but it’s not urgent is it? My wife took ages to deal with her parents things after they passed away, even though we all lived in the same house.
I’m so pleased you feel him looking over you - and I feel the same, and talk to her regularly. I think one of the biggest things we all miss is the kisses, hugs and cuddles, and companionship too.
I’d bet that the last thing your friends and family think is that you’re a burden on them. My family is all grieving too of course, but we all support each other, talk about my wife, their mum and grandmother, and we all find some solace from that. I’m confident the tears will reduce in time, but it’s difficult to see that when one is “blubbering” all the time. That’s how I see it anyway! Good friends and family will be there for you, and are probably grieving too.
You’re not alone, and in time, you’ll feel more able to cope.
Much love, and take care.
I was like you would cry all the time when it was ll weeks after he died. I hated going anywhere as couldn’t control the emotions or people’s hurtful responses.
In fact it was ages before it gradually subsided. I felt worn out with it.
Now I have this again because the cat died on the anniversary day he died two years ago on 18 November. I miss the cat.
I feel all these guilty feelings I get about my husband pop up again. Then it feels a mixture of relief no more suffering the same and guilt over those feelings. I put two wreaths on my husband’s grave I made myself. The wind had blown his flowers out of his pot. I felt good I made them myself. I had cut the foliage from his garden and felt I was doing something for him with the growing bush he used to cut like I was giving him a Christmas present. So it looked like someone cared. I had this stupid idea he is looking down and seeing it. But didn’t stop and sit on his bench there too wet and blowy.
But it looked less uncared for like that. I know people often don’t talk about graves but at least there is memorial now.
His photo on his pot. So at Christmas not just forgotten.
Will put his photo on table again on Christmas day.
People say it is a shrine but I will light a candle in church. It helps. We are all different
Enorac, we had problems with flowers blowing away, so changed to artificial flowers in a cemented base. That’s worked really well, although we have to replace the pot every so often.
Don’t worry about what others might think about the grave, and it’s not a silly idea to think he’s looking down on it, and on you. I believe my wife has a hand in what is happening now she’s gone, and we still have the flowers from her funeral on the grave, 10 days on. We’re also placing a wreath on there for Christmas. I’ve gone every day except today, and talk to my wife regularly, so I guess you could call it a shrine. That’s OK to me as she was a committed Christian. It’s also nice to have a beautiful grave, and I and my family will also light candles in church at Christmas and other times too.
As you say, we are all different, thankfully!
God bless, M
Hello Marnee. Yes, its all so difficult. He loved this time of year which makes it even harder as you well know. He was xmas in this house. My family i know all miss him & i hold up when they are here but know when the grandchildren come ( still young) they must feel a huge void in their visits.
I couldn’t bear the thought of putting the big xmas tree up this year as we always did it together so have put up s smaller one & i had a personalised bauble made with his picture in it which now has pride & place on the tree.I feel he can be in the room with us sharing our xmas times & looking over us. They say things happen for a reason which i always agreed with but at the moment I take it all back by the tragic way he was taken from me.
Iidleg, I so understand as my wife loved Christmas - she always bought for so many people in and outside the family, and she always ended up with three times as many presents as anyone else. Strangely our 11 grandchildren seem to have coped very well, but it may be different when we all get together on Christmas Day itself. I also couldn’t put up our normal tree, but I might put up a small one tomorrow. I have found a lovely bauble in my wife’s cupboard, of an angel inside a clear glass ball - it just seems to apt, I’m going to put that somewhere anyway. I also don’t know why she was taken so soon. But she was a committed Christian, and the Minister of her local Secular Order of St Francis fraternity. She was due to step down on 17 November and probably would have taken a different role. She died less than an hour from when the meeting would have started, and to me I get comfort from the fact that it seems she had done what had been asked of her. She was buried in a Franciscan Habit - just as she had planned for herself - but she hid it so well in the house, I searched for days before finding it at the last minute. So although I of course don’t fully understand why, I do at least now know where everything is in the house!
I really hope that you will find the answer to why this happened, and that there will be something good come out of this at the end of the day.
God bless M