It’s hard to say this, but I’m so angry with my ex-partner for dying.
It was a car accident, and he didn’t make a conscious choice to die, but he was an impatient driver and a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and I’m angry that he didn’t try harder to stick around. To fight to live.
I’m angry with him for a lot of other reasons as well - for ending our relationship two months before he died, for being hurtful and difficult to live with in the months leading up to that. None of it was his fault, exactly, as he had some serious mental health issues, but he also didn’t help himself a lot of the time and I feel incredibly let down by him.
I’m even angry with him for being so lovely when we met and for showing me what it can feel like to be loved and cherished by someone so completely. I honestly wish I’d never had that, because it hurts so much to have it taken away.
I thought we were building something amazing and that all my past struggles had been leading up to this beautiful relationship, but then it felt like he just gave up on me - like none of it was real. And then he went and died. So I can’t even talk to him about it.
I feel completely betrayed and abandoned, and I’m angry with everyone and everything, including myself, for the fact that I now have to deal with all these feelings. It’s going to take me years to pick all this apart - maybe I never will. I’m so furious at the unfairness of it all.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but I wanted to share because I think it’s important to voice these things.
I sorry how you are feeling, i lost my husband January this year ,he had terminal cancer ,i felt angry about how the cancer had taken him so quickly. Take care.
I can relate to your situation. We were married for one month short of 50 years. It would be easy to put on my rose coloured spectacles and claim everything was absolutely perfect - all red roses.
It was brilliant overall, but we were both damaged by life, and had mental issues, and towards the end, things were difficult.
I spent quite a few weeks with some angry thoughts about it all.
I was really hurting myself, knowing that we now had no chance to resolve things, wishing we now had chance to do just that.
I kept talking to her, (her photo, anyway) being absolutely honest about things. Bit by bit, the truth appeared.
It wasn’t entirely her fault, it wasn’t entirely my fault, it was just the damage done to us by the stresses and strains of life, and being human.
It was only then I decided to forgive her, and forgive myself, and a calmness descended on my life.
Finding the way to forgiveness is the key, to not forgive only continued our pain. Please try to find a way.
I get where your coming from, I had a good marriage but we did fall out now & again, as you say we are human & not walking on egg shells around our spouses?.
A long time before he died we had a tiff & awful things were said from either side, we went to bed not talking as you do & in the morning all forgotten & life went on.
After he’d died for some reason this tiff popped back into my mind & what he’d said, it made me question did he mean what he’d said etc… & as you say I couldn’t now seek reassurance from him.
After thinking about it, we both said hurtful things in anger & I certainly didn’t mean what I said so I’m sure he didn’t mean it either, we are human & show all sides of us to our spouses, good and bad, how lovely to have a relationship where we can be ourselves, warts and all !
I read somewhere that when a spouse dies it has a finality about it which is why we look back on the relationship & for some reason settle on things that were misdemeanours instead of looking at the relationship as a whole regarding two flawed normal human beings
I struggled with anger in a lot of unexpected ways. Angry at older people for making it that far. Angry with my wife for not quitting smoking sooner. Angry with the NHS for being underfunded. Angry with the world for turning. I read somewhere that in grief we can turn to anger as anger is an emotion we can control, we can direct and externalise, it allows us to gain autonomy in an emotional landscape we find utterly unnavigable. Anger can allow us to rest and take account, it’s something we understand. Knowing that has helped me a lot, doesn’t stop me getting angry but allows me to accept that I always will.
Thank you @tykey, that’s really helpful advice and I’m glad you’ve managed to work through those feelings. As you say, it’s only adding more pain to an already painful situation.
I do talk to him sometimes, mainly when I’m out walking in the hills, and I’m doing some journalling around it all. Some days it feels lighter, some days heavier. I think eventually it will shift but I know I can’t rush it.
It helps being able to share with people who understand
Thank you @Flower_garden I’m finding I tend to cycle through different emotions - sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I can smile at the memories of funny things or sweet things we shared. It’s such a jumble.
It sounds like you had a beautiful relationship, and like you say, no one’s relationship is without its difficulties. Hopefully in time we can let go of the questions we have and find some peace x
Totally relate @Walan, I have a lot of resentment and envy when I see couples doing things we used to do together - or things we never got the chance to do together. It seems so unfair. And I know life doesn’t play by the rules when it comes to fairness, but it still stings.
Yeah, angry at the world for turning. And I feel sort of outraged that friends and family members are able to continue with their lives without it changing too much, whereas I feel like the entire world has turned inside out.
That makes a lot of sense about anger being a way of externalising grief and I suppose it’s less painful than simply feeling the hurt. When I allow myself to be fully present with the sadness it’s completely crushing - a struggle to breathe. I’ll try to bear that in mind when I’m feeling that rage bubble up
