I lost my husband 5 months ago and I am really struggling with guil. My husband was ill for years, the last 5 years have been particularly difficult. I retired 5 years ago, we decided to move to somwhere smaller and quieter with a beautiful view. I say we but it was really me that pushed for the move. It turned into a disaster we lost our view and the noise and dust have been unbearable. We eventually had the funds to move again and the for sale sign went up the day before my husband died. Ive thought about the last 5 years and while I was devoted to my husband and tried to make his life as comfortable as possible, but on reflection I was also selfish, I sometimes found myself thinking what about me what about my life and the dreams I had for my retirement that I will never fulfil because my husbands cant cope with holidays or going for a simple walk. I even found myself thinking well I will be able to do all these things when hes gone. In the last few weeks before he died he was desperate to get away from the house I was tied up with sorting out my uncles belongings after he died and to be honest I didnt want to go away, nothing would be different, we would just be going from one place to another to do just the same thing we did at home which wasnt much. I look back on these and many other incidents where I put myself first and now Im in the position where I can put myself first everyday I cant do it. Ive come to realise that all I really needed in my life to make it whole was my husband and now its too late. How do I move on I cant see a future, I dont want a future that hes not in. How can I go on that holiday that he would have loved. I now grief is hard but Im not getting any better infact its getting worse. I have sold our house where we were so unhappy and bought a house that we viewed before he died so at least he will have walked the floors and been in all the rooms I will be living in but how can I look forward with so much guilt and regret for the past .
and the future.
@Nett1 I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my darling husband nearly 8 months ago. Like yourself the last 5 years have been horrendous with his health failing on a daily basis. He wanted to go places but I was so worn out that at times I made excuses why we couldnt as getting him in and out of the car and into a wheelchair was so exhausting although I really didnt mind doing everything for him as I loved him dearly. After he passed I felt really guilty for not trying harder and still do although I really know I did all I could at the time. I hope you will find some peace and comfort in your new home. I thought it would get easier as the months passed but for me it hasnt. I miss him so much on a daily basis and sometimes cant believe hes not here anymore. We cant change the past only think that we did our best at the time. Take care. Hugs. Ann x
@Nett1 so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. That is also the case with me. My mum died 6 days ago. I live in UK, my mum lived in Poland where I’m originally from. I’ve lived here for 18 years. My husband is British. My mum wasn’t in good shape. I could see she wasn’t coping with her depression. This led to being overweight and other weight related ilnesses. I tried to encourage her to change her ways but we would end up argueing. Other people also tried to encourage her but always with the same answer “I’m old and not going to deny myself stuff”. All I can think about now is I should have visited more often, should have been more patient, should have not argued, should have moved back to Poland. Believe me I know what you are going through. My mum’s psychiatrist told me there was nothing I could have done as my mum didn’t want to help herself but it doesn’t make it any easier. I hope that with time I will be able to forgive myself and I hope you will too. Sending you warmest hugs, here to chat if you ever need it. XX,
Time does not ease the pain