Hello Amy
Thank you so much for your message and I am sorry for your recent loss.
So much pain and it’s not getting any easier, if anything it’s worse. Don’t know where all the tears come from.
I do know what you mean about Martin being your rock. I feel exactly the same. Everything you do, and places you go they are always there on your mind and deep in your heart.
I walk around my silent flat calling his name and wishing I could hear his voice, see him, laugh and wish to be a couple again.
I miss the phone calls and texts we made throughout the day, everyday. I dread the phone ringing now as I know it won’t be him ever again.
I just can’t stand this silence and being without him. I just want him back with me.
I still haven’t done anything around the house, ike you i’m just slumped in the chair with the TV on, but not really interested in watching it. Just waiting for the time to go to bed and try and get another day over with, hoping tomorrow will be a better day - but it’s not.
It’s an awful thing to admit, but I feel so envious seeing couples out together, and all I think is why me, why am I alone, why did he have to leave me.
While he was ill in hospital, I prayed so hard for him to get better, promising God all sorts of things. Even shouted at him begging and pleading.
I know there are people worse off than me, but the pain is still the same. How do we get through this? I could just do with a nice hug now.
Hi Joan
The pain is unbearable and it stays with us all the time, the grieving is a process we all have to try and get through, we are on a rollercoaster with our emotions.
I too get upset when I see couples together, especially older couples as I think me and Martin could of been like that. Martin always said he was excited to grow old with me, I’m 49 and he was 56.
I miss talking with him, his silly jokes and the cheeky look he had in his eyes. Every day seems to get harder and I feel more alone, I desperately want him back, but I can’t. I try not to think of the future just yet, Im taking one day at a time.
I am starting to read a book on how to come to terms with losing a partner, as I am desperate to help myself and Im scared that I will spend the rest of my life feeling this unbearable pain. Martin is on my mind All day, its really hard to focus on anything I’m doing.
Do you have family and friends supporting you?
Sending love and hugs xx
Hi Amy
It seems we are all going through the same feeling and emotions. You just think you are on our own trying to cope with these horrid feelings.
I want to look to the future, but can’t see anything to look forward to anymore. I’m just lost. Here come the tears again.
There was a programe on Chanel 5 last week - Esther Rantzen: Living with Grief. My friend told me about it, but I taped it as I was frightened to watch it at the time. I did manage to watch it the other night, and it was quite comforting. Not as painful as I thought it would be.
I only have my daughter and brother-in-law (close family). It upsets my daughter to see me cry, I try not to but it just come out. I can’t really open up to her as I don’t want her hurting. My brother-in-law lost his wife (my sister) and few years ago and it’s still quite raw for him. I’ve cried a few times on his shoulder.
I have a really close friend I can cry to and she is always there for me, but she lives too far away from me. My other good friend since childhood lives in Gt. Yarmouth so I don’t get to see too often. Now with Covid, it’s impossible to see either of them even if I could visit her. I suppose I hve been a bit of a loner and not really got any other close friends that I feel comfortable to share my grief with.
Thank you so much for your kind and warm messages.