So sad and alone.

Losing a partner
#1

I lost my boyfriend and best friend of 10 years on 31st January, and I just can’t stop crying. The saddest memory I have of him is when I had my last hospital virtual visit and he was just laying there with his mouth wide open and all the tubes supporting him. I can’t get that sight out of my mind.
I dreamt of him yesterday and I was talking to him saying "you can’t hear me. He replied “I can” and he stroked my face. It was a nice dream, but it hurts so much.
Every time the phone rings I’m wishing it was him phoning me. I miss the texts and “I love you” messages. How am I going to cope?
I feel so alone, and when anyone asks me how am it just makes me feel worse.
I have my daughter’s shoulder to cry on, but I feel I am hurting her watching me cry My only good friends I have live so far away and I can’t see them. All I do is cry on the phone.
Is there an end to this grief?

Jay.

#2

Hello Jay

I am so sorry for your loss and it will be very raw for a while to come. I lost my wife of 38 years in September and I was fortunate enough to be with her when she went despie Covid. The pain does not go but you learn to accept it and it becomes part of what you are. My children are there for me but I still feel very lonely and sad at times. Lockdown does not help as we cannot get out and do things - not that I have any urge to do anything. There are no clever words of wisdom although everyone will offer them and that is what makes it such a lonely journey. I am 5 months into it and would like to offer comfort by sayin it gets easier and the pain subsides. It doesnt. You just become stronger and handle it better. Take care of yourself. Fond memories do come back and you start to remember why you loved them so deeply. And there IS comfort in that.

#3

Hello Seanie
Thank you for your message. I’m so sorrry for your great loss.
I know people are worse off than me with the loss of their loved ones especially being together for so long while mine was quite short, but it still hurts as much. I just want the pain to go away and for the tears to stop. Feeling so lonely and empty is awful, I just want him back in my life. Thinking of fond memories are hurting at the moment. Just wish I knew what to do.

#4

Hi jay

I am so sorry for your loss I wish I could take your pain away what an awful way to remember
I thought finding my husband at the bottom of the stairs was bad enough

You have to cry you will make yourself ill if you don’t
It’s the way for your body has to cope
I was a mess for months just in a wee bubble

It doesn’t matter how long you were with them if loved each other the grief is so raw
I did take screen shots of our last conversation on text messages as they do disappear
We both worked different hours so the text messages were our way to stay in contact
I would read them and they did put a smile on my face it was as if he was still with me

I’m afraid it doesn’t get easier as time goes on but you do learn to deal with it

Sending my love
Xx

#5

Hi Scotie10
Thank you for your kind words of comfort., and sorry for your loss.
At the moment, it’s just non stop crying. Everything I do he’s constantly on my mind and it hurts.
I have no saved text messages, nor can I hear his voicemail message if I phone his number.
I have the cards he sent me over the years and the memories (some not happy ones as you can imagine).
I look at his photos, talk to him and give him a kiss and that’s all I can do. I didn’t get the chance to kiss him before he went into hospital or say goodbye. I was waiting for another virtual visit the next day, but sadly he died.

We all have our different feelings, but it 's all just pain.

xx

#6

Jay

Your boyfriend would of known that you loved him and try and remember that when your down
And try and not think of the bad times but the loving memories you made with him
Your love was strong but your heart is broken
You will get through it in time
But your grief is like waves it will comes and go
And please cry sob scream when you need to
It how you will cope
Have you thought about counselling
I tried it
I didn’t think it helped me but my sister said it did I was so angry at the world and God for taking him
Hopefully when lockdown has finished your friend and come and stay with you for a bit

Take care
Xx

#7

Scottie10.

Thank you so much again for your kind and comforting words.
I do sob and scream, I shout at him asking why did he leave me.
I question God and ask why, why, why. He didn’t deserve to be taken.
How can I believe there really is a God when he’s taken away the love of my life and left me feeling like this?

No, I’ve not thought of councelling. My friend didn’t think it helped her after she lost her mum.
Don’t want to go to talk to a Doctor because you only come away with anti depressants which just prolongs the pain and heartache.

Thank you again, your care and advice is much appreciated.

Jay
xx

#8

I’m not sure, life seems to go on for everyone else but we feel so sad :cry:[quote=“sad2, post:1, topic:35664, full:true”]
I lost my boyfriend and best friend of 10 years on 31st January, and I just can’t stop crying. The saddest memory I have of him is when I had my last hospital virtual visit and he was just laying there with his mouth wide open and all the tubes supporting him. I can’t get that sight out of my mind.
I dreamt of him yesterday and I was talking to him saying "you can’t hear me. He replied “I can” and he stroked my face. It was a nice dream, but it hurts so much.
Every time the phone rings I’m wishing it was him phoning me. I miss the texts and “I love you” messages. How am I going to cope?
I feel so alone, and when anyone asks me how am it just makes me feel worse.
I have my daughter’s shoulder to cry on, but I feel I am hurting her watching me cry My only good friends I have live so far away and I can’t see them. All I do is cry on the phone.
Is there an end to this grief?

Jay.
[/quote]

#9

I woke up this morning to the sound of the song These Arms of Mine by Otis Redding.
Here I go again crying. I wish I could hold him in my arms right now and tell him how much I love and miss him.
Another day to get through without him and another day of heartache.

#10

It’s awful I know
Why don’t you go for a wee walk
Get some fresh air
The heartache will still be there
But may being outside will make you feel a bit better
Even for just an hour
Take your daughter with you
If you feel you can’t manage that
Why don’t you phone your friend

Sending my love
Xx

#11

Hi Scottie10

I know I should get out the house more, apart from once a week shopping.
I swas walking around the park a week or so ago plaiyng music on my earphones, and some special songs came on and I just ended up in floods of tears. I don;t wear them anymore. Will I be able to listen to “our tunes” again and not feel like this?
In Dreams by Roy Orbison s my favourite but can’t listen to it yet as much as I want to.
My daughter doesn’t live with me, I’m on my own. She phones me a lot during the day checking up on me. I try not to cry. We did got for a long walk the other day, but not been out since.
I do cry lot to friends, but feel a nuuisance sometimes. We all have our own problems.
xx

#12

@sad2 I can only echo what @Scottie10 has suggested, there is a beautiful spring day out there, try a lap or two of your local park and listen to the birds rather than your headphones.
When you feel up to it, you might want to share some of you and your hubby’s favourite songs on the “song thread”

1 Like
#13

I,m so sorry for your loss,i lost my mother at the end of january and now my younger brother a month later.Just so much pain and grief and guilt and regrets.

#14

Hello RichardM

Thank you for you kind advice.
I want to get out more, but it’s all such an effort to get myself ready. Siting here in silence everyday thinking about everything that’s gone on doesn’t help I know, and it won’t make it any easier to bear.
I’m trying to convince myself now to get up out of this chair, wash my hair and go over the park. I like to feed the birds and squirrels when I do go. Perhaps that should be my incentive for a daily walk. I need to give myself a good talking to!

Jay xx

#15

Hi rafthorney

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through losing two people you love so dearly. It’s devastating.
I’m not in a good place at the moment where I could offer anyone any words of assurance that it’ll get easier, but we do have to stay strong and just long for the day when these feelings and tears are not so bad as they are now.

God bless you and your family.

Jay xx

#16

same to you jay and family

al

#17

Jay

I’m sorry I didn’t realise that your daughter didn’t live with you
And your right you don’t want to bother other people as they have their own problems
But think about it
Would you want them to talk to you if it was the other way round
You need support comfort reassurance
You have just loss the love of your life
They are there for you

My David loved music so much he was the IT guy and would download music for me on my iPod it’s only the last month that I have been able to listen to the music on it
It made me feel he was with me and put a smile on my face and the tears too
So in time you will be able to listen to the music you loved together but maybe not right now

Try tomorrow get up and get dressed and do something completely different
Anything like dying your hair a different colour
Anything that just takes mind of your heartache

Sending my love
Sharon
Xx

#18

Hi Sharon

Yes, I would want my friends to talk and cry to me, but when it’s me needing to talk and cry I just feel so daft. My daughter keeps telling me to cry and not to bottle up my feelings.

I’d love to be able to listen to our songs, but there are some I don’t think I ever will, far too many memories. Do hope though that one day I can without too many tears but thoughts of happy times. Oh here I go again crying.

Well, after a good talk to myself, I did finally get out of the chair, washed my hair and went off to the park for my walk and fed the birds. I had one fly onto my hand and it just sat there eating the seeds from it! You can imagine what my thoughts were - silly, but a little comforting.
Felt a bit better for getting out, but then you have to come back to an empty home and it just feels like I’m back to square one again. Haven’t got much interest in doing much at home (that sounds bad!).

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your kind messages. You are such a beautiful kind hearted person.

Jay xx

#19

Hello Jay

I’m so pleased you went out
The bird eating out of your hand you never know that might of been him
It’s a nice thought to have
It’s like when I find feathers I always think it’s David or Mum letting me know there ok
I don’t really believe in the after life or understand it
But it puts a smile on my face

I know it’s so hard to come back to a empty house
And I understand you don’t want to do anything
But it’s little steps at a time
And please please don’t bottle up your feelings
People love you and probably need you
But at this moment you need them

Take care
Sending my love
Sharon
Xx

#20

Hello Jay
I lost my Martin of 27 years on 13th January to covid. I too cry almost hysterical cries every day every hour, its exhausting and I get so panicky because I know I will never see him again. He was my rock and he always made me laugh. I go out for a walk and come back and cry again, everything and every whete I go I feel different, everyone else is getting on with their lives but me, I have stood still.
That’s so nice that a bird Sat on your hand, its a sign from your boyfriend :heart:
I’ve got a cat and he comes sleeps on Martin’s side of the bed, as if he’s saying 'will I do
Today is the first time I hoovered my house as I’ve done nothing else except stare at the telly and read on here. I find it comforting reading on here as we all are in this grieving together and we all have the same feelings from crying, anger, guilt and loneliness.
From some posts I’ve read we won’t feel the same but we cope, we will have good days and bad days. Our loved one will always rest in our hearts, we will never ever forget them but somehow we have to cope and live our lives the best we can, as im sure our loved ones would want us to be happy and no doubt they will be looking down on us and guiding, helping us to heal.
Love and hugs to youxx

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