It has been a year since losing my partner. It has not got any easier, in fact I think harder as the realization that I am on my own now has kicked in. A friend really upset me and now I have lost her friendship. I know how hurtful remarks can be. No-one understands what we are going through. I am trying to go out but I am not in my comfort zone as my partner could chat to anyone and I used to rely on him to do the talking
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I’ve just been to a neighbour for coffee. Her husband passed away just over 2 years ago. Lovely sitting talking to her but then I come back to the empty house and the tears flow again. I want to sit and talk with my Bill and I can’t and it kills me 
I feel like I’m getting worse. I just want to be with him… He was my life. I didn’t want anyone else or anything else. Everything I had ever wanted was in this house with Bill and now he’s gone and nothing matters anymore. 
I know we’re all going through this in our own ways but never, in my wildest dreams, did I believe it would be this heartbreaking.
Sending you all my love and hugs 
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For me, so far, the 2/3 month period has been the worst, obviously I don’t yet know what the future will bring, the 4th and 5th month have been better and I do know that I can and will cope but I had to make decisions for this to happen, keeping a journal, even every now and then I found helpful, even a mental journal can help, I sort of listed things, it could be things that won’t change or things that would have to change for my own sanity, I tried to clarify how I felt about certain things, some of this is in other posts I have made.
(This may be a long post but here goes!)
I often see posts on here how the home has become a problem because that person is no longer here, I was the same, I felt it was damaged but my wife and I created this home, we love the place (and I use the plural and present tense deliberately) and crucially, I believe her spirit is still with me, she would want both of us to continue as we set out, once I had got this comfortably in my mind, I found I was happy at home, in fact it has now, once again, become my refuge, I am happy to come home even tho’ my wife is not here physically I know she is in spirit, in the house, in the garden and with all the creatures, I know that some people cannot accept this and that saddens me because it must make bereavement so so hard to deal with.
Another decision I made was to stop going over and over things “ruminating” as I refer to it, my wife died from cardiac arrest, no symptoms, no previous history, I was with her the instant it happened, I started CPR straight away, the ambulance and air ambulance were here very quickly and could not have done more, so I didn’t have the “what ifs” the “if only” so I stopped beating myself up because “I should have done more” now I know people on here do have this as a problem but can you really have made a difference to the outcome? I believe that if you love someone you will always do your best for them so don’t punish yourself for something that you would have no control over, don’t ruminate.
The above was drafted this morning, the morning has been a very sad and tearful time, why? I am not sure, it is the 5th month anniversary of my wifes death but I really do not think it is that, it is just one of those shit days if you are beginning to cope that catches you out, I had to take my daughter for an appointment and was out for a couple of hours, i was constantly fighting the tears as I did not want to upset her, after a 30 mile round trip I dropped her back at her house and driving through our home town and as before the tears flowed, it’s about 5 miles back to my home and I couldn’t wait to get back, once through and locked gate I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed, i was back in our home, back in our refuge, the sadness has not gone but it has certainly lifted, I then read @Harriet4Bill post, almost the opposite to me.
Yours has only been a couple of months, for me they were worst ( I am hoping!) but don’t believe it will be an easy ride from now on (today proves that) but it was after the first 2 months that I felt my wife would want to be with me, if I only stopped the constant ruminating on the fact she was not here and let her back into my life, in the house, garden etc. yes I do talk to her, ask her questions and approval on decisions I have to make, I don’t now turn of the tv programes she loved or the music if it comes on the radio, it’s hard at first but it brings back a bit of “normality” and stops reinforcing the idea she has gone, in fact I tend to think she hasn’t really gone and no I haven’t lost the plot but it works for me! could you possibly try this approach Harriet? far be it for me to interfere but you seem to be having such a hard time.
Take care all.
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I consider myself told. Everyone approaches grief from a different position. One thing that is annoying is when people say “I know how you feel” because they don’t. I know how I feel and you know how you feel and they are probably very different. I know that isn’t what you said and I take on board your comments. I shall endeavour not to post again. I have no family of my own so I will get on with my life as best I can.
I will put one more post on here.
Swift - as you do not know the circumstances of my husband’s death you are not in a position to suppose there was nothing I could have done. Maybe there wasn’t anything but I 'm not sure. Therefore I have to live with the “what if”.
I know how you feel my beloved was good at speaking to people i miss him so much it was 6 months for me it doesn’t get any easier .
@Harriet4Bill I am sorry that I have seemed to have upset you, I had absolutely no intention of that, I certainly would not tell anybody how to deal with things, you are right, we all deal with things in our own way, knowing what we know, I post things on here based on my own experience, that is the only way any of us can do this, it may or may not be helpful to some people but it is only an offering of something somebody may find helpful.
I have read many, if not all your posts on here and I have genuinely been saddened by the difficulties you are experiencing, it is true I do not know the circumstances and i apologise again if this upset you, all I was trying to do was to see if there was something that may have offered a little bit of help to you.
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Hi @swift
Most of what you wrote resonates with me.
I could almost have written it myself.
It will be 6 months for me on Friday. I have to go to a funeral on that day, and I’m dreading yet
But I know I will be ok, I might cry, but that really doesn’t matter.
X x
Mostly I’m coping
Hi @Liro it really is a difficult path, I guess we all start on this forum looking for something of an explanation, comfort, answers etc, then you become almost an “old hand” so quickly, so many new people with the same sad problem and as you may have had help from the forum you may feel able to offer a little support all in the hope that you can offer someone a little help during times that are horrendous, I would hope, one day that I might be able to say yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, yes you will have happier times and you will enjoy life again, long way off, it may not happen, it may take years, who knows? I think we should all get a certificate at some point, its the hardest subject I have ever dealt with!
I hope things will not be too hard at the funeral, at least tears are acceptable these days and I am really pleased you are coping, its what we all strive for.
Take care x
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Yes @swift
I do almost feel like an old hand.
I do try to be there for everyone, I’ve had so much support on this forum.
Sometimes I feel the need to step back, but I think that’s ok. We have to think of ourselves too.
Thanks for your support and understanding
Liz x x
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Hi @Liro, you’re right, you do need to take a step back, particularly on the better days, when it’s turning into a crap day (like today) and you need to just get it off your chest then I get back on here, I now live on my own, I don’t really have anybody to just offload even the small things that can upset you and I think the cat has had enough!
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Oh bless you.
I’m sure the cat doesn’t mind 
I’m sorry you’re on your own.
I’m lucky I have friends and family.
But there are still days I feel very alone.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow
Love and hugs
X x