Hi everyone,
Just been reading some of your messages and sending you all love and the strength to get through another day. I lost my partner if 21 years on the 2nd of July and feel it so acutely every day. No matter what I’m doing it’s like an app of extreme sadness in the background that stops me from being fully present. Unstoppable random tears spring out and I just have to let it out. He was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer in April and went down hill so fast. He suffered horribly with pain the entire time and his happy go lucky personality completely changed. I keep replaying his last weeks in my mind as he became practically non verbal and was so emancipated he looked like a skeleton with skin on it, it ripped my heart into a million pieces. I keep wondering if he could still hear me, what he was feeling inside and if he knew he was dying. It still feels so unreal that I’ll never see him again or have a cuddle. When I see a rainbow or something else my first thought is that I’ll text him and share it and then realise I can’t. It hurts so much. I’m finding it difficult to see a future without him, I feel like half a person.
My husband died a few days ago from Pulmonary Fibrosis, his decline was rapid too. A friend of ours had pancreatic cancer and your story is identical. When he was in the last stages and barely conscious a wedding ceremony for his daughter was held in his room. His wife said when a hymn was sung he opened his eyes and looked cross at being disturbed. Also when another friend was unconscious on morphine (brain tumour, we really have had some bad luck in our friendship group) I was sitting with him alone and I took the opportunity to squeeze his hand and told him not to worry we would look after his wife and she would have lots of support. For a few brief moments he stopped breathing but did restart. What those two little stories are trying to say is that yes I do think they can hear and aware of the love surrounding them. Wishing you peace and comfort
Hi there,
So sorry for your loss. It’s really hard with such a rapid descent as afterwards it feels like whiplash as you’ve no time to take anything in, just cope with the latest thing that’s happening that day. Never imagined I’d be in this position, he was always the well one and me the sickly one. I hope you’re managing. Sending love
I know what you mean…i keep thinking and wondering if David could hear me, he was unresponsive but still alive but his heart stopped in the end.
I have the same thoughts as you…did he know he was dying and what would he have thought, his disappointment if he did know. He always said he wanted to live to be 100 or more. We will get better it is just hell getting there.
My husband had a cardiac arrest. He lived 3 weeks after that in intensive care. He never regained consciousness. I visited him every day, talking to him constantly. At first I chatted about stuff as if he was going to recover and come home. When things were starting to look like he might not recover I spent hours telling him how much we needed and loved him. Eventually, when it became obvious that he wasn’t going to recover, I told him that I would always love him but I understood if he needed to leave us. There was never any reaction. Two days before they stopped life support he raised one hand slightly. I was overjoyed but they said it was because he was having silent seizures due to brain damage. He opened his eyes briefly but did not appear to look at anything.
With the benefit of hindsight it would have been kinder for him if he had died when he had the arrest. My CPR efforts were not beneficial for him. I know I had to try and I would be feeling guilty if I hadn’t.
I don’t know if he heard me talking to him. I don’t know if he hears me talking to him now, I do it all the time. I also write him a letter every day. I don’t know if he knows that. But it makes me feel better, so I will keep doing it. Xx
Whatever you do Willow112 if it helps you then keep doing it.
We all have our rituals and I believe they do help, they may change as our grief moves on and we need to meet different needs but if it helps us cope with our grief then its a good thing. Some of the things i do would make others question my sanity but I like and need my little quirky rituals so i will continue. 